A
female
age
41-50,
*ngel delight
writes:Please no negative replies!!! I feel low enough!!I was seeing my boyfriend for over a year. I had known him for 2-3 years before that as a friend. We split about 4 months ago but have kept in touch. The reason for the split was because a best friend of mine at the time told me things which made me think he was lying to me and cheating (I have trust issues) I took her side and he dumped me, after 3 weeks of arguments. Since we split I have always been there for him. I have sent messages to say i'm thinking of him on important dates, anniversay's, Christmas, Easter, valentines day, as well as a present/card for him. He always replies to my messages within 2 minutes, tells me how happy I made him and how he doesn't want to be with anyone at the moment. He's happy on his own.I turned up at his work 2 weeks ago because we had been arguing by text, he wouldn't answer my calls and it was getting out of hand. When he saw me he said he wanted to look into my eyes and tell me he wasn't seeing anyone and hadn't heard from the girl I am going to mention for over 2 years. He kissed me on the lips and held me and told me he didn't like me hurting. He told me he was relieved to be able to tell me to my face and hoped I would believe him. About 7 years ago he went on a date with a girl he used to work with. They didn't see each other again because she claims he wasn't her type and he spread some rumours about her sleeping with him. He always denied going on a date with her.A few months ago she started talking to me. I told her I wanted to get back with my ex and she was supportive. I then told her who it was and she said she wanted nothing to do with him in any way, shape or form. She didn't want to discuss my relationship as it was none of her business and became VERY off with me. She told me she didn't like him and that I could do better and that I should move on from him. it was a very strange conversation. She told me she had been on a date with him years ago and he had spread even though when I repeatedly asked him my boyfriend said it was just a drink. I became suspicious at how she changed and started to think she was seeing him, which is why she didn't want to discuss him.For months he has denied having any contact with her and swears on the lives of his daughters, his family, my family and his dads grave that he isn't, however, whenever he is on whatsapp she is!! They could have not been on for hours but the minute one is so is the other. Every time i see her she smirks at me then goes onto whatsapp and he appears on there. I don't think I am being paranoid and don't think its a massive co- incidance, I think he is in contact with her. I am really sickened because I keep saying to him that I will walk away and leave him to it, that I don't want to stay friends cos I don't want to get hurt when he goes on holidays with her, moves in or gets married and he repeatedly denies it, saying he hasn't been in touch for years, doesn't have her number, hates her for what she told me and wants to stay friends with me but only if I believe him!!!....Why would he do this to me??? I think if he is in touch with her his behaviour is evil/sociopathic, controlling!!!Can anyone advise please?!!! I feel like I am going out of my mind!! He knows I work with her, I understand he's not with me and doesn't have to tell me but I want the option of avoiding her rather than have her laugh in my face when she sees me!!!! I don't know if its just my mind playing tricks and im being irrational or they are both plain nasty! Before anyone says it, Im sorting out myself and my trust issues and I would like to stay friends with him but I don't know if I should believe him.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 May 2017):
 I fail to see why it is any off your business if they are both in contact? Look I feel sorry for you that you have trust issues, and I hope that you get them sorted believe me we all have our issues. But you ended things with this guy and now all you are doing is playing games with him. You accused him off something based on what someone told you, which shows you had no trust for him. Stop leading him on now, stop caring if he is talking to other girls. End all contact and get yourself some help.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (9 May 2017):
 You need to stop stirring the pot here.
HE is your ex, it's OVER. LET IT GO.
STOP all interactions and contact and jeez OP (I know you said go easy and I'm trying... I really am) but you expect his ex to discuss HIM? with you?
You and he didn't work out. It happens. If your friend told you the info with GOOD intent and GOOD source info - then you know he could be lying. UNLESS your friend has a reason to tell you bogus stuff?
CUT this man out of your life. Doing things for him, rubbing his ego, giving him attention will NOT make what happened in the past disappear.
You are in your 30's so you probably know by now that some people will LIE to you, some people will manipulate you, and some people will take what they can from you - as far as attention, affection etc.
I have to ask ARE you enjoy the drama over old shit? Does it make you feel good to have these trust issue?
If the answer is no, I don't like drama and no, I don't want to HAVE trust issues - then you NEED to look at the source of your drama and trust issue - YOURSELF and this ex. CUT him out of your life. You are no longer his GF, you are CERTAINLY not friends so STOp using him to make yourself not feel lonely. HE can't fix that for you. Nor can he fix your trust issue.
Having trust issues suck. And it takes WORK to get past them. DWELLING on the past and this ONE guy is not helping you, because as time goes by MORE and MORE crap from the past crops up and makes you question everything.
You LIKE the IDEA of this man, but not the ACTUAL man. The man you "think" he should be or could be. Time to accept he is who he is and if he cheated on you with this other women ALL THE MORE reason to CUT him loose!
It's time you WORK on you. And your life.
You don't show up at his work-place to continue an argument either! What is wrong with you? Can't you see that it's WAY out of control? That it's NOT how you FIX your own issues? It's CERTAINLY not a way to get him back either (not that I would suggest you try that).
You NEED to take some time getting to know yourself and find what makes YOU happy (and no, not a man) what makes you feel fulfilled in life.
If he and his ex-gf are OH so nasty to you - WHY do you KEEP jumping into the melee? WHY? It makes no sense.
Time to CUT the DEAD WEIGHT and DRAMA out of your life. Start with this ex and his ex-gf. Since you WORK with her, be polite, be professional but LEAVE your personal issues out of it.
The ONLY person you are hurting with all this drama? IT's you. And I don't think that is what you want. Join a gym, take some yoga classes and learn to focus and chill - or take some kickboxing classes and take ALL that "grrrrrr" out on a bag of sand. DO things that make you FEEL happy. Spend time and EFFORT on people who are a POSITIVE influence in your life. STOP living in the past. The past is over.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2017): You obviously care about this man. You need to give him the benefit of the doubt. Don't trust what someone else tells you, unless they have real proof.
I'd give him space, be there if he needs you, and don't accuse him, trust what he is telling you.
You two are no longer together, so if he was seeing someone, I'm sure he'd tell you. And she doesn't sound like she likes him because of the rumors he spread about her, that was a long time ago, keep it in the past.
I wish you the best of luck.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (9 May 2017):
You two need to stop playing game with one another. Stop calling him, stop texting him and stop going to his job.
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