A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi Please can you help me? I have been going out with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years now and i really struggle being away from him i dont have many friends and i hate it when he goes out because i am always in by myself but recently my boyfriend said he is going away to Amsterdam over the weekend and i got really upset about this because i dont want him to leave me by myself and i will really miss him. I am also really worried about him going to strip clubs and getting really drunk and sleeping with a prostitute as its only the lads going. I am pretty sure this is what he is going to be doing and im really scared i dont want him to go but he said its his friends birthday and he is going wether i like it or not and that really upset me and i dont know what to do anymore.He always says that he would never do anything to hurt me and he loves me too much to cheat on me but i cant stop thinking he is just saying these things to try and make me feel better. He does look at other girls quite often and this also makes me feel never good enough for him but when i say to him please dont do that in front of me he just says im not even doing anything when i know for a fact he is! I do have really low self esteem and i never feel good enough for him but i dont want to lose him.Please Help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): I think what we were trying to say is that he is in large part the cause of your worries and self esteem problems.Here are the reasons I see: 1- He looks at others frequently in a way that upsets you and then denies it when you try to discuss it with him.2- He is away a lot, I'm not sure why he is away, but you're worried about it. When we worry there is usually a reason for that. Clues and things in our partner's behavior that make us think we can't really trust them.3- His first trip with the lads: instead of trying to talk to you calmly about your concerns, he tells you he is going no matter what- your feelings don't count at all, he will do whatever he wants to do no matter what. If he is doing this now when you're his gf it will only get worse if you marry him.4- He goes out by himself a lot and lets you sit at home worrying.Read your own words:"I am pretty sure this is what he is going to be doing and im really scared i dont want him to go but he said its his friends birthday and he is going wether i like it or not and that really upset me and i dont know what to do anymore."He is not a respectful person and that is NOT someone you want as a partner. A partner who really loves and who wants to be with you alone will not treat you this way.It could be that you have some self esteem issues that have nothing to do with him, but it seems to me what you've written here has a lot to do with how he treats you. The problem is that you're so attached to him and afraid of losing him that you are in denial of all of this.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all of your comments and replying.
I dont think my partner is a bad person but because i never feel good enough for him i feel that he might find someone else and i dont know if this is me reading to much into it all. I dont know if he would but because i constantly worry about this i feel like it is going to happen and i am not sure whether or not i am just over reacting.
My boyfriend hasnt been on a lads holiday before and i think this is why i am worrying so much because im scared if something might happen and this comes down to trust even though he has never given me any reason not to trust him i just feel like i am being paranoid about everything and getting all worked up for no reason about him going away especially to amsterdam as i dont feel comfortable with the whole red light district but am i being unreasonable? I know this sounds crazy but i have heard that the girls in the windows in amsterdam are very pretty and wear very little just underwear or a bikini and i feel upset about my boyfriend seeing pretty girls wearing not much at all. I dont have much confidence with my body and i will just be thinking that he will be thinking how nice they look etc.
I wish that i could have some confidence in my self, some days i feel okay and other days i really struggle and i look in the mirror and get all upset because i wish i could feel okay with myself but i just dont.
Deep down i do believe that my boyfriend wouldnt do anything to hurt me, he is good to me but that doubt is always there.
I just wish i could get over feeling never good enough for him and stop being so paranoid about everything but every time i try to stop thinking about all the negative stuff it seems to just stay in my mind and not go away.
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female
reader, cat lady  +, writes (5 January 2011):
 Take careful note of the anonymous reader's last sentence here when he or she responded to you: "If your self esteem took a dive since your relationship with him you need to be concerned."That was a VERY perceptive remark! Keep it as a souvenir because that kind of true aim for the heart of the problem is so rare. My dear young lady, having lots of friends only requires that you feel like BEING one to a lot of people. Who says you always have to wait for somebody else to act? Look around you, girl: your own neighborhood is full of people more lonely and miserable than you and through no fault of their own. Go say 'hello' to some of them. If they're elderly, you can tell them about your bad boyfriend and they can tell you some of their stories in return that might amaze you. You are part of a community, a nation, a people and you share a history together. What part you want to play is up to you but being 'alone' is an illusion, if you look at it right. Who says your boyfriend is 'good enough' for you? Plainly he is not! You wouldn't knowingly eat something you knew was going to make you sick, no more than most people would, but you'd be surprised how many of us will loyally stay in a relationship and be utterly miserable the whole time. I can see you care deeply for this individual and the pain you're experiencing is palpable even with this abbreviated post on a web page. You have expressed yourself with true natural talent! Are you not aware of this talent?Consider your low confidence now in the same way you would an injured leg. You know it still hurts and you definitely don't want to put too much weight on it, let alone run down the pavements. You need healing and you need time before you're ready for adult entanglements. You want to be well and strong, strong enough to protect yourself from abuse and clear-sighted enough to trust your own judgment of the people you let into your life. Because you didn't wait and led with an admirably trusting heart, you now find yourself in a toxic relationship that instead of helping you heal has added a few compound fractures of its own. Well, it happens to most of us at least once in life and you can get over it. It may feel 'terminal' but it isn't. Remember what Shakespeare said: Men have died from time to time, and worms have eaten them, but not for love." Then, my dad always said, "Bad situations never get better; they always get worse."Open your door, take a deep drought of fresh (cold!) air and walk out of this situation and into your future. Do it now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): I think it's unfair of him to disrespect you by constantly looking at others. It's ok to notice attractive people, we all do, but you shouldn't hurt your partner. He also seems like he wants to go and have fun on his own in dangerous environment too much maybe. Which suggests he may be a player.
Tell him you are going to go out with gf while he is away for a night on the town and see how he feels when the tables are turned.
If your self esteem took a dive since your relationship with him you need to be concerned.
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