A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a 33 year old, frustrated male and I am really hoping for some impartial advice.I have been with my girlfriend for just over eighteen months. We currently live apart but I know that she is eager for me to move in with her and her little girl. I get on well with my girlfriend's daughter and I have grown very fond of her. I do not have any children of my own. The problem is, there is little if any passion or sex in the relationship anymore. When we first met we had great sex and on a regular basis. I am getting sick and tired of her just turning over in bed and simply wishing me good night. Whenever I stay over her daughter also refuses to sleep in her own bed and so ends up in bed with us and. This has been going on pretty much since the beginning and I have addressed my concerns with her about this. The truth is I am starting to feel unattractive. I am a very patient and understanding male but I fear that she wants me to move in just to share the responsibiity of her daughter as well as the bills. She swears this is not the case but can I believe her? My ex girlfriend admitted to me that I was a mere "safe option" for her in the last two years of our seven year relationship. I know I should not let the past rule my head but I feel I have every right to be cautious. My girlfriend and her five-year old daughter constantly argue with one another and I am not sure I can deal with that either. My girlfriend can be very moody too. Last month she cancelled on me twice and didn't want to see me over the entire weekend because she was in a mood about something! I work long hours in my job and find it difficult to see her during the week so weekends are very important to us! Quite often I have suggested visiting her in the week even though I have had a long day but she often replies that she is tired and is often in bed by nine-o-clock. She then has the audacity to confront me about our relationship and tell me she wants confirmation of what the future holds for us and that she is not sure she wants to be in a relationship forever with a man she only sees once a week! I simply cannot win. What is wrong with her getting a baby sitter more often? We seem to include her daughter in much of our days out which is fine but I feel hardly ever do anything alone together. I do care about her but I feel she is being somewhat silly if she thinks our relationship can sustain without intimacy and sex. She also says she wants more children one day and wishes to get married again.I guess I just need someone to tell whether they think I am being selfish.
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female
reader, Trinklett  +, writes (5 September 2011):
 Didn't know you guys do get away together. I feel she may be a complicated person (but who isn't)- Since you have spoken to her and don't see the relationship as a complete loss yet, maybe its time to take action. Stay away from her and see if it bothers her. When she asks tell her you're very unhappy with the way things are and can't go on like this anymore. Does it sound like a break up? Basically only you be willing to give her another shot. HER not you. She should come over to your place, leave her daughter with a friend. You're in courtship. If its not working out now, it'll never get better with marriage. And if she can't play along, I'll say its time to move on.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2011): Sorry but if I was with a man for 18 months and we didn't have sex in the situations you describe - away for the weekend, alone at yours - let alone just normal weekends - I would be off.She sounds like a mate - not a passionate,loved up girlfriend.She sounds like she makes empty promises too.How can you be expected to predict a future with her and her child when she can't even show you simple affection. If lack of sex didnt bother you it would be fine, but it does bother you, along with her temper and it would most people.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI took her away to the Isle of Wight for a romantic weekend and although we had a nice time, the weekend was passionless and we may as well have just been friends. I was disapointed that we didn't have sex at all and felt very selfish for having such thoughts. I have also tried to explain to her that sometimes I find it difficult to predict exactly how she will react as she can often lose her temper or become upset very quickly. True to form, she attempted to storm off yet again and I stopped her. Perhaps I will not the next time. I don't wish to paint a negative picture of her, nor an overly positive one of myself. I do have faults; I am a very affectionate male, one who believes in expressing my feelings for a person and not necessarily just in sexual terms; she is a good mother and does, and has, offered support to me at times when I have neeeded it, as I have for her. She keeps bringing up the idea of us living together in conversation and text, often jokingly but with serious undertones. As far I am concerned we are experiencing what most married couples experience after a few years of marriage and after our first child! We are still boyfriend and girlfriend, and surely our relationship can be exciting on so many levels. I do involve the little girl as much as I can; I took them both on holiday last year. She has said she will try to get her daughter to sleep in her own bed but is unhappy that I waited so long before bringing it up. How exactly does one approach something that should not be happening in the first place? I was trying to approach the situation from all perspectives. It is all fair and good requesting that the little girl sleep in her own bed when I stay over but, ovbiously, no man wishes to make an enemy of his girlfriend's child and what about when I am not there? I have no control over that! Often I have thought to myself; "Is she happy to have the little girl here so we will not have sex"? I feel unwanted on a sexual level. We don't have sex when she stays over with me either and I live alone. Surely this is the ideal time? The gap between sexual encounters is becoming greater all the time. She told me just days ago that it hurts when we have sex and that is why she has been avoiding having sex. She said she would see the nurse. I felt awful but again, why mention that just now? Is she buying herself more time? I will support her in any way I can and I am busy researching to find out how I can support her. Surely we can still be intimate however in the meantime but there is nothing happening at all. I have quite a high sex drive but I am not selfish with it. I really cannot see how my moving in will improve the relationship and so it really isn't the next step. I perfectly accept that she has every right to know what my long-term intentions are. Had she asked me in the first six months, I'd have replied that I wanted marriage and children. I do find myself questioning that now. I do not see the relationship as a complete loss which is why I am sticking around but I am not prepared to give up my apartment and play the family man unless it feels absolutely right (I do not mean perfection).
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A
female
reader, Trinklett +, writes (4 September 2011):
Thank goodness you're not yet married to her or you would be having concerns already. Talk to her and let her know what your needs are. Let her know you enjoyed the first few months because of how close you were. Sure her daughter is a part of her life but she's got to make out time for you too. Communication is really important and she should be ready to listen and respond. You sound very tight with time. Are you able to make out time to go out and make her feel special? Relationships involve a lot and of course she wants to know if you're going and willing to accommodate her daughter and her for the long haul :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2011): No your not being selfish at all....she is though. I don't know her age but she also sounds very immature.There are several issues...and you have listed them all.Yes she has a child, that you accept, but as you say getting a babysitter sometimes is only fair on you, its not unreasonable to expect some alone time.Nor is it fair or right the daughter shares her bed when your there. Have you taken her away, had a romantic night in a hotel, wined n dined her - do you go out together at night to the pub,clubs or whatever? Do you cook for her? Spoil her?If you have tried everything and she's not prepared to compramise or find solutions then there's no effort on her part.Add the no sex or intimacy after only 18 months - its not a recipe for a great future is it.If she's not meeting your needs.I would end it and move on.
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