| A
male
,
anonymous
writes: Marriage: am I wasting everybody's time?I have just asked my girlfriend to marry me. The trouble is that I don't feel elated. I feel anxious. In truth, and I have never said otherwise, I would not have asked if I had been left to my own devices. It's just that my partner has made it abundently clear that she expects marriage, and that she interprets an unwillingness to marry as a lack of respect.We have been together for nearly five years and so, in a way, I can see this point of view. We were getting on well and I suggested that I would not be against the idea of an engagement. We are not well-off and I set a timescale. However, as always seems to happen, timescales and budgets have been torn up and scrapped.I have now bought a ring I was not ready to buy, and the planned marriage is massively bigger than I had envisaged. I have a guestlist of 8, she has a guestlist of 58. I am also told that the wedding might happen sooner than in the two years we planned.Most importantly though, I simply don't think long term, and at times I wonder whether I should leave. Fundamentally, I am unsure of whether I am staying (even marrying) because of my girlfriend's son (who I am a now a father to) and because I am afraid of the acrimony, financial (for her) and logisitical complications that would arise.
View related questions:
wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (21 May 2006):
 You are being steamrollered into this hun, and you need to put the brakes on fast! Communication is a huge issue in a marriage and there does not seem to be much of that in your relationship. Tell her what you ahve told us, and make her listen to your misgivings. Then decide what to do based on what is best for you! The child will adapt to a situation that may arise if you split up, so you must not do anything you feel isn't right. You will be in the divorce courts this time next year otherwise.
Good luck.
xxx
A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (21 May 2006):
 Getting married because "she exepected it" is pretty far down on the list of Good Reasons, don't you think?
You need to put the brakes on the wedding plans right NOW -- with an ear-splitting screech, if necessary -- and tell her the truth. The truth is that you're not ready to be married, you think that the wedding plans are already out of hand, and you're feeling pressured to do something you don't feel confident about.
Come on, if she was urging you to spend $5000 for a skydive, and you didn't want to, would you just go along with it? And a skydive only lasts a few minutes!
She'll be upset. Count on it. Judging by the way she's marching you around already, your girlfriend has learned that she can hold her breath 'til her face turns blue (figuratively speaking) and you'll comply. Ask yourself why that is... Why do you give in, even when it makes you unhappy?
Then, get thee to a couples' counsellor (grab the phone book right now and look it up). You two need to discuss why, in a reasonably long-term relationship, she feels it's OK to step all over you to get her way, and why you feel that your opinions are secondary to hers. Marriage is about partnership, cooperation and compromise, and from what you've written, your relationship is too one-sided to survive long.
I certainly understand your fear about losing contact with the boy who regards you as his father, and about her financial situation, but your girlfriend hustling you into a marriage you don't want is no solution to those problems. If anything, your resentment will build and will likely damage your relationship even more. You may still be able to see your stepson, and, honestly, if she's in financial strife, it's her own responsibility to get out of it. She's a grown up, right?
At the very least, you need to tell her that you've rethought all the issues and you're NOT READY for marriage, yet. Let the chips fall where they may. At least you'll have opened a dialogue with her, which seems to be more than you have at the moment. Remember that your feelings and opinions count, too, and don't let her run roughshod over you.
Otherwise you're going to be shackled in Holy wedLOCK to your girlfriend for all time. And having established a precedent of insisting on "her way or the highway", you'll have started on a terribly disrespectful life together.
Good luck, and be strong. You deserve to be happy too!
...............................
A
female
reader, matron +, writes (21 May 2006):
 Hi, I really think you should stop right there, you are being bulldozed into everything. You obviously made plans together but she has decided to change those plans for her convenience and you've just nodded in all the right places!
You have to ask yourself a few questions before even discussing the future with your g/f. Marriage is a big committment to make, you have to be sure you really want to spend the rest of your life with this person, the child will adapt which ever way it goes and you can agree on access, but that aside, do you love this girl, do you miss her when you're apart, does she make you feel loved, respected,wanted or needed in this relationship? If the answer to any of these is NO then you need to sit down and have a serious talk not missing anything out. Life is to short to grow old with regrets. Good luck LoLx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2006): Phorah, sounds like you need to have a serious heart to heart with your fiancee about all this.
Don't get led down this path unless you feel completely sure it's all for the right reasons. It's far easier to sort out now, than a few years down the line when you are married and commited to her.
If it's meant to be, she will understand your concerns and come to a compromise so that you are happy. Good luck.
...............................
|
