| A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: This evening my boyfriend came round to my house. I couldn't go out as I was working from home.He went to the pub.I fancied a nice evening together when he got back but I didn't wish for him to be drunk. He does drink everyday and when I used to live with him, I didn't have much of a choice about putting up with him being drunk.I sent him a nice text message, suggesting intimacy but that I didn't want him to be drunk. It was all written in a flirty type way.I sent him a saucy picture too.He sent me a text saying it shouldn't make any difference if he was drunk or not but it does to me. He snores when he is drunk and I have to sleep elsewhere and I don't like sex with him when he has been drinking as his response rate is different and he is more clumsy (has even fallen asleep before so not fun!) He does know all this, I have told him before but he can't understand the sex bit and feels I should still want it even when he's drunk.Anyway, when he got to mine, he was a bit drunk, affecting his attitude, etc. I told him again that I didn't think I was being unreasonable and he said I was just being awkward and funny. He went off in a huff and that was that. I haven't heard from him since.What do you think?
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female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (13 January 2007):
Seems to me like your bf isnt thinking about how you feel or he cant seem to understand. He seems to be focusing more on what he thinks.
Have you ever talked about this issue to him when hes SOBER? if not i suggest you do this as if he is not drunk he might have more of a chance of understanding your point of view. If this does not work then I suggest just continuing telling him what you think and remind him that sex isnt all about him, its suppose to be enjoyable for BOTH people, for you and him. He should understand this when hes sober...if not then maybe hes a bit selfish at times?
A
male
reader, idoneitagain +, writes (13 January 2007):
Know what you want and then tell him what you want. (You have actually already done this, so you have done the right thing). I give this same advise to lots of people, it is a common theme. You know what you want, you want to have sex with your partner when he is sober. You have told him. So your question is really, what do I do now that he is not interested in what I want from him. Give him a choice. Tell him you will not have sex with him when he is drunk, and if he wants to drink all the time, tell him you will find someone else to have sex with who can give you what you want. Then ask him what he wants to choose. Tell him you respect his freedom, and he is free to choose to drink, and to be whoever he wants, but that he has to understand that if his choices make him someone who doesn't satisfy your needs or desires, you are going to go elsewhere. Then let him choose, and give him some time to come round to those choices. The key is, if you ask him to change and he agrees, and then after a week he is getting drunk again AND YOU ARE GIVING IN TO HIS REQUESTS FOR SEX he will never want to change. You cannot change him, you can only give him a reason to want to change, so you have to stick to your decisions. If you don't have any luck, dump him and get what you want.
Good luck.
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