A
male
age
51-59,
*avidfvuk
writes:Hi , im telling you this story as its ripping my heart out and i dont know what to do , my fiance left me two weeks ago , she said she couldnt take it anymore , the way i spoke to her and that i never shown our son who is now 7 any love , it all started in 2000 when i meet her and we both fell in love we were both married to diffrent people it was difficult but we carried on with our relationship we lived over 200 miles apart but as i left my ex wife and she left her ex husband we both got other places to live and id drive 250 miles every saturday when i finished work and drive back on a sunday , this went on for months untill she decided to come and live with me , she moved in with her 3 children from her first marrige , we had laughs love and of course rows , any way time went on and we brought a house together she got pregnant and had a beautiful little boy then after a few years it all went pear shaped , i had a lot of trouble in my life and i was sent to prison for 5 years , she came to see me every week , and we both fought the term and won i was realised after serving 13 months instead of 5 years , it was one of the happiest days of my life walking out of those jail gates and into the arms of the lady who had kept me sane for the past 13 months , i had often thought to my self how much i love this woman for sticking with me and not walking away when i told her this she said "walking away was never a option" as she loved me that much , we wrote each other letter every day they were our lifeline while i was in prison , in one of those letters she said "if we can get through this we can get through anything", anyway we carried on when i came home as i said before we have had several arguments but it was always sorted out and over silly things , to be honest mainly down top me being silly , id laugh and joke with women i new but i had never ever been unfaithful to her , when ever she had found out i would lie to her about it and always got caught out , then i felt things were not right and maybe thought she was having a affer , witch she wasnt , i brought several things off the internet to spy on her and see if she was , she found out and i lied again only becourse i didnt want to tell her i didnt trust her , she found out i was lieing we argued and things settled down for 2 days , monday morning came i went to work then at 7 i phoned her to get her up as ive always done and her phone was turned off , i came home and she had gone with our son to her mothers over 200 miles away , ive spoke to her and she says she isnt coming back as she doesnt want to live like that again and there isnt anything here for her ! , ive promised her i would change for the better as i love her that much but she still wont come home she says its happend to many times before , ive asked her several times to tell me she doesnt love me but as of yet she wont so that makes me fell shes being stuborn , then again she is carrying on with her life at her mothers like getting a school for our little boy and somwhere to live, im finding it very hard to accept that we are finished as i realy do love her and our son , she wont give me the opportuity to prove to her that i can change for the better , ive never cheated on her and ive never hit her as i despise any man who does do that , im just hoping somebody out there has a answer for me that will helpmany thanksDavid
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ex-wife, fell in love, fiance, her ex, in jail, moved in, my ex, the internet Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (9 October 2009):
 You said she left two weeks ago. Is that really a long enough period of time for you to seriously address your problems and change completely and enough to make her happy, or are you just hoping that you can put on a temporary facade of change to make her come back? A good way for her to see you have changed is by her observing, (but not living with you)and actually finding you happier stronger and truly turning your behaviour around. If she comes back now before you have really faced your demons, then things may slip back quickly.
Seriously I'd give it a year to really get your head together and improve your life...that way she can see its a permanent change and not just a half arsed effort to pull her back.
Again you have my sympathy but if you really love her, you will do what it takes. True love demands no less than your absolute best!
regards
Aunty Em xxx
A
male
reader, davidfvuk +, writes (9 October 2009):
davidfvuk is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi thanks for the reply , i dont mind taking the blame at all in fact all of it , id do any thing for her as she means that much to me , but is there anything i could do to prove to her how much i do love her and that ive changed
im grasping at straws here and its so bloody hard with out her , i keep thinking back to the dark days when i was in prison and in the letters we wrote each other she said (if we can get through this we can get through anything) god all i ask is give me the oppertunity to prove i have or even i can change thats all i ask .
but thank you for your thoughts
regards
David
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (8 October 2009):
It seems cliche but there is a lot more to Love thn just saying I love you. I don't have to tell you that lying spying and mistrusting behaviour all stems from control. When one person in a relationship seeks to gain control over the other they will employ all kinds of tactics to manipulate that person to satisfy their own fears or doubts. You did those things not because you had a problem with her, but because you have those problems with you.
It seems everything was going great up to when you went to prison. I am sure the experience impacts deeply on your life and when you were released it probably left you with many doubts about yourself and your future. Up to that point your partner had stuck by you but you allowed your insecurities to plague you and you projected that onto her...it is little wonder she left. Imagine how she felt at standing by you for so long to have you treat her so despicably, enough so she upped and left.
Asking her to tell you she doesn't love you is like sticking the knife in and twisting it on her. You want her to tell you so that you can feel vindicated by her leaving. You can twist it to look like she didn't care.
She won't say it, not because she is being stubborn but because she probably still loves you very much but things became so intolerable she simply couldn't take it anymore. She did her best but at the end of the day we are all individuals who come into this life alone and leave it alone. There is no law on earth that says even if she loves you deeply that she has to tolerate your manipulative, lying mistrusting ways.
It seems you are blaming her even though you know it's your fault.
I think you have many issues of your own to address in order to change enough and become a loving trusting man again. You need to deal with them until they are no longer a problem and you need to do it away from her. Seek counselling, anger management, stress management or whatever you feel you need to change all those negative things you see in yourself, perhaps then she will recognise the man she truly loves again and come home.
I am so sorry for the tough talk and it is in no way intended to put you down, but sometimes when your in a situation, you cannot see the wood for the trees and you cannot see clearly how your actions affect others. We are all responsible for our behaviours and attitudes towards others. When we begin to act badly, people do what they feel they must...they leave.
I am sorry for you grief at losing your partner. I truly hope you can find a way to put things right, firstly with your self and then with the woman you love.
with best wishes
Aunty Em xxx
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