A
female
age
51-59,
*obie
writes:I met a guy online he was in iraq at the time.I never belived in dating sites before,it was my first time chatting with someone oline we start chatting and he was so sweet the more we chat the more I liked him,on one of our chats he asked me if I had any kids and I answered no..not because I was afraid he won't eccept me but because I have very strong reason not tell him the truth and I did't feel safe to tell him..I felt that I had to meet him first and see for my self that he is real..days before he came back to the states I mention to him that I had to tell him something I been hiding from him and I told him that the day we meet I will tell you everything..so when he came back from Iraq we decide to meet he lives in diffent state he wanted to come and visist me but I told that I will go fisrt..so I went it was the most beautiful two days,I liked him and I know he did too I was so happy and every time I tried to tell him about my doughter a voice inside of me told me not to say any thing so I didn't..and finally last week I called him and told him that I was going to send you an email telling you what I'm hidding from you..so I did and explain every thing his reaction was really bad..he was in shock and ask me to give him time to think about this, it has been week and he wont talk to me..and I don't think he's being fair he needs to give me a chance to let me explain that I had a very good reason to do what I did..he's being to hard on me and I love him with all my heart and I'm sure he feels the same..I think? I care for him and he is all I want I been waiting my whole life to find him and now I feel like I lost him and it hurts I don't want him to think of me as this person who lied to him because I feel that I did what I had to do at that time. I want him to know that but he won't call me. I feel bad, hurt and lost I don't know what to do or think some times I feel that he don't want me anymore because I have a doughter I'm really hurt please help me..what should I do I don't want to loose him. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, hobie +, writes (1 November 2010):
hobie is verified as being by the original poster of the question I think you right..he is not coming back to me.I'm going to move on and like you said take it as an experience..its going to be hard to find onother him. but life goes on...thanks for your help you open my eyes to my reality.
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (29 October 2010):
 I hate to say this, because you sound truly penitent, but I don't think he's going to get over it. I don't think I would, in his position.
Let's go back to your original post:
"I have very strong reason not tell him the truth and I did't feel safe to tell him..I felt that I had to meet him first and see for my self that he is real"
I'm sorry, that's not a strong reason. Having a kid is a major thing to lie about, and your reason, to a male mind, sounds like vague rationalizing.
Most guys simply do not want the baggage of dating a single mother. They know that they can never replace the real father to the kid, they know the mother's first priority will always be the kid, and they know they'll have fewer of their own biological children (if any), and have to split resources with the other kid. It's a lot to handle.
Some guys, obviously, are willing to date single mothers, but the point is that the dating pool is much smaller, and it's more difficult for even the willing guys to cope. He is probably not part of that group.
When you add in the lie on top of that, there is basically nothing you can say to convince him that he wasn't just a meal ticket. It's the equivalent of a guy claiming that he earns $30k more per year than he actually does. You would be (rightfully) angry and betrayed.
I'm very sorry this worked out so poorly, but I don't think there's any way to get him back. If it's any comfort, there are still millions of guys out there who would make great boyfriends and would be attracted to you. The trick is just to stay persistant until you find one. Consider this whole thing a learning experience.
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A
female
reader, hobie +, writes (28 October 2010):
hobie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt has been over two weeks and he didn't call me, will he ever forgive me? I send him a text massage asking him to let me talk and explain..and he answered that he was upset that he needed time that he would call me to talk but never did..I even send him an email telling him how sorry I was, I really I'm sorry I love him he is the most sweet man. I never felt so loved in my life even that I met him only once, but the times we spend while he was in Iraq was unique we made each other happy we laughed and enjoyed every minute of our chats. He was so sweet to me and I was the same I gave him all my love because he deserve it I love this man with all my heart and I want him back. I know that no one will care and love him the way I do. Me having a child in my life is not going to change any of the things we planned together I'm not expecting him to take over my responsibility I work hard and been taking care of my child..all I want is a good man and I know he is the one..I came from an arabic family and escape 17 years ago if you are familiar with arabic culture what I did was a big sin us Islamic girls can't do such a thing. The fear that my family is still looking for me wich I know they are...makes me be this way it wasn't easy to survive all this years I'm always carefull with who I talk to about my personal life..meeting him on that dating site wasn't some thing I planned my friend and I were joking around and sighn up I had so many emails I didn't answer to any of them.. till I saw him and it was love at the first sight the more we talked the more I liked him..when he asked me about if I had any kids I lied yes.. but like I said I wasn't afraid at that time that he wont eccept me I was more concern that even that I liked him I needed to be carefull after all i don't know who he is so I decide to wait till I meet him..I did what I thought it was right at that time I'm not trying to make an exuse about what happen to me but this is my truth and if I'm not carefull I could end up like all the other Islamic girls who did what I did and didnt survive..I need some good advice on how to deal with this..I never did any thing like this for any man. I think that he is worth to fight for..I did what you guys suggest me to do and emailed him so I'm not going to call or send any more emails I want to give him time to think. so do you guys think that after knowing my reasons he will forgive me or not???
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A
female
reader, hobie +, writes (28 October 2010):
hobie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt has been over two weeks and he didn't call me, will he ever forgive me? I send him a text massage asking him to let me talk and explain..and he answered that he was upset that he needed time that he would call me to talk but never did..I even send him an email telling him how sorry I was, I really I'm sorry I love him he is the most sweet man. I never felt so loved in my life even that I met him only once, but the times we spend while he was in Iraq was unique we made each other happy we laughed and enjoyed every minute of our chats. He was so sweet to me and I was the same I gave him all my love because he deserve it I love this man with all my heart and I want him back. I know that no one will care and love him the way I do. Me having a child in my life is not going to change any of the things we planned together I'm not expecting him to take over my responsibility I work hard and been taking care of my child..all I want is a good man and I know he is the one..I came from an arabic family and escape 17 years ago if you are familiar with arabic culture what I did was a big sin us Islamic girls can't do such a thing. The fear that my family is still looking for me wich I know they are...makes me be this way it wasn't easy to survive all this years I'm always carefull with who I talk to about my personal life..meeting him on that dating site wasn't some thing I planned my friend and I were joking around and sighn up I had so many emails I didn't answer to any of them.. till I saw him and it was love at the first sight the more we talked the more I liked him..when he asked me about if I had any kids I lied yes.. but like I said I wasn't afraid at that time that he wont eccept me I was more concern that even that I liked him I needed to be carefull after all i don't know who he is so I decide to wait till I meet him..I did what I thought it was right at that time I'm not trying to make an exuse about what happen to me but this is my truth and if I'm not carefull I could end up like all the other Islamic girls who did what I did and didnt survive..I need some good advice on how to deal with this..I never did any thing like this for any man. I think that he is worth to fight for..I did what you guys suggest me to do and emailed him so I'm not going to call or send any more emails I want to give him time to think. so do you guys think that after knowing my reasons he will forgive me or not???
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 October 2010):
 Next time don't lie. I can understand not wanting to tell him EVERY little detail, but lying is never good.
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A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (20 October 2010):
 You may not have wanted to hurt him, but you did and you also presented yourself in a bad light...you see, being a mom, your child is the most important factor in your life. YOU know you love your daughter but because you lied to this man about this, all sorts of doubts are running through his mind. Why would you lie? Are you hiding something? What else could you have lied about? Remember, he hasn't known you long, he doesn't know what to think. I don't what else you can do but write an honest e-mail. Tell him that you are sorry (as you are) and express that you don't want to lose him (but stay away from declarations of love, it's not the right time!). I don't know if he'll come around...after all, maybe he wanted something serious but didn't feel ready for kids or didn't want the difficulties that sometimes come from raising a child not your own. In any case, I hope it works out. He might be doing some thinking and need the time apart. Best of luck..
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (20 October 2010):
Chalk it up to experience. I hope he comes around for you, but I doubt he will.
Two things are at work here. I'll try to explain his thought process for you. The first is that you have a kid - I'm sure you know how much that hobbles a dating life. Guys assume that women with kids are looking for some guy to take responsibility for them, and many do not want to do so unless it's with kids of their own. Even then, they don't want their future kids to have to compete with the ones already their for love and affection. Even if that was not your plan, it's what he is going to assume until he sees otherwise.
It's a pretty powerful avoidance instinct.
The second is that you lied to him. I see that you tried to justify it, but it's still a lie. No life was at stake; to him, it looks like you lied for your own convenience to waste his time. He doesn't see your reason as a good one.
So, no, he's not being hard on you. His reaction is justified - the silver lining to that cloud is that, since he's not overreacting, he can probably be reasoned with. He needs to see you prove that (A) you aren't just looking for a meal ticket, and (B) you aren't going to lie to him again. You have to prove those things without accusing him of having unreasonable fears or of overreacting to your deception.
Not sure how you could convince him of either point, but at least that's your starting point.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2010): Not telling him that you have children is a fairly major issue. Aside from lying about it, many men for whatever reason do not want to date single moms. You might have had your reasons for not telling him the truth but then you have to understand why he reacted the way he did.
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A
male
reader, Ven +, writes (20 October 2010):
I think you have to give him time to come around. If he isn't talking to you, there really isn't much you can do anyway.
You may have good reasons, but you did lie to him. Depending on his life priorities a child can change things. Depending on his past, lies may be something he can't work through.
Give him time and hope for the best.
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