A
male
age
51-59,
*ature Man
writes:Last year I went out with this woman for 8 months. 2 things caused us to split up. The fact that she keeps in touch with an ex-boyfriend and secondly she moved away because of a job.9 months on, and she started texting me again, saying she is unhappy with her job and is moving back home again. I am single, so saw no harm in meeting up with her. So I took a trip to see her. We had a big discussion, She was pretty upset I ended it 9 months previous but my reason I gave was that I wasn’t keeping a long distance relationship, spending money on transport etc.. with a girl who kept in touch with her ex. After we had a good couple of days together she strongly hinted about us giving it another go, and is coming a long distance next month to spend a couple of days with me.Trouble is, she is still in contact with this ex-boyfriend and freely admitted he had came to see her once in the past 9 months. She tries to play him down and says stuff like “I can’t remember the last time I spoke to him” and of course she denies any type of romantic/sexual relationship with this guy since they split about 3 years ago. In fact she laughed when I asked her again if she was having sex with him, pointing out that he has a girlfriend and she wouldn’t go near him because he has been elsewhere. She went on to say the same thing she always said: they were friends before, tried a relationship, he dumped her after 2 years, so they decided to going back to being friends. I totally HATE it! I really get the feeling this guy is just holding her in reserve in case things don’t work out with his girlfriend.I really don’t understand why she won’t just let this guy go and move on. She actually admits that she wouldn’t like it if it was the other way round, yet she refuses to let this guy go. No, sorry, she said that if she was ever getting engaged/married she would let go…but come on…would she be letting go because she wants to or feels she has to?When she moves back home in a 2 or 3 months, I am scared the same thing is going to happen all over again, ie she just blames me for not trusting her, but I think it is more than that, I don’t feel comfortable with her having a man in her life, albeit to a small degree that she was in love with at some point (and may still be?). Does that make me an unreasonable person? She is about 10 years younger than me, is this the new thinking now?...having ex’s as friends?I quite like her, I see I have 3 options:a) I give it another go and find some way to accept her and this guy.b) I just leave it.c) I put my foot down now and say no, unless she ceases contact with him.Thanks in advance!
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broke up, engaged, has a girlfriend, her ex, long distance, money, move on, split up, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, elsie  +, writes (16 April 2007):
 oh boy do i know where you are coming from.im in a similar set up with my boyfriend only they have a child together and he relies on her every time something goes wrong and it drives me mental.anyway i can tell you from 3yrs of experience that you wont feel any better as time goes by.i tried so hard to swallow my pain,rationalize and make excuses.it swells up inside you and overtakes and you know why because ITS WRONG.you had the guts to walk away the last time so i guess thats a positive because unless she backs off from this other guy youll be off again.i believe that she probably doesnt contact him that much but why the contact at all if thats the situation?she was dumped by this guy.they DID have an intimate relationship and youll always wonder if that could spark up again.i see bad signs that she wont give up this guy even though she knows it hurts you and wouldnt like it if your were doing it.she has a potential relationship with you isnt that enough?the good thing is you can survive without her youve proved that and you have got the sense to realise that she is slightly taking the .... .i would give her an ultimatum and just say no ex or no us.good luck,let me know how you get on whatever you decide.
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