A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm going to apologize first because this is long but I am very desperate now so please help me.My ex and I were together for one month. That one month was amazing. We connected at first site. Long story short it was special. It was a short but strong relationship. We broke up because he couldn't be in a relationship. But he desperately wanted to stay friends with me because he didn't want to lose me. Reluctantly I agreed because I wanted him to be in my life either way. I always wanted him back though. He still looked at me that told me he still felt something for me. He told me he cares about me a lot and that he miss me. But still, he needed to work his issues out first because he felt that it was unfair to me to only be able to give me part of him and not all. At first I thought he was just using me because he broke up with me right after I finally had sex with him. But eventually, I realized that he is a good person. That he really meant what he said.Then a few nights ago, I went out and he was there too.[ I do not remember the following because I blacked out. I don't even remember seeing him. All of this is what I got from my friends and him.] I was intoxicated from alcohol and my friends were no where to be found. His friends told him to take care of me because he knew me best. So he took care of me but then my friends came up and tried to take me. He told them to just go and he'll do it. But he claims that he was forced to take care of me. My friends said that he told them to just go and he can do it. I don't know who to believe but now the thing is that he won't talk to me anymore. Told me that we're not friends anymore because he can't trust me to not do that again. He was very mad that night that I became that way. He told me at that point he felt that he shouldn't care about me if I didn't care about myself. He says he can't even see me. I had to literally force him to talk to me because I didn't remember what I did. He said the way I acted, it makes him so disappointed in me. Now he says he doesn't care anymore what I do. The thing too is that I am moving an hour away now. So he feels that there is no point to even discuss it. He told me he regrets ever meeting me. That there is nothing between us now. All that hurts me so bad because I still care about him and I still have feelings for him. I don't want it to end this way. He told me that maybe we'll talk again one day but now all he can think of when he talks to me is that night. I don't know what to do. I lost his trust and even his friendship. I wanted so bad to get back with him and now I screwed up even more. I literally destroyed my chances of ever being with him again. He is so cold to me now. Please any advice or insight into this situation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for your advice. Natasia, I followed your advice and I sent him that message. I added a few things to it but it really got my thoughts straight and I feel so much better now.
I feel that I can finally move on. I do deserve someone that cares about me as much as I do them and I shouldn't feel the need to chase someone unworthy of my care.
Thanks again!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionjust to let everyone know. when i got drunk, it was to the point where I blacked out and had to go to the hospital. When he took care of me, I just kept pushing him away and yelling at him. I told him I didn't know him and then ran away from him. He had to get into his car and chase after me. When he finally got me back in front of my place I kept on hitting him and telling him to let me go. But when my friend came to help me I got scared because I didn't know them either and then clung on to him. I made it so difficult to the point where he was so frustrated.
I didn't know if that would change things...the fact that I was that bad.
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A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (12 May 2009):
 ps
It's not that you've destroyed your chances - he's destroyed his!
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (12 May 2009):
I'm sorry but he sounds to me like an absolute monster, very controlling, and incapable of a normal, warm, loving relationship.
What did you do? You got drunk, yes. Better not to have done, but it's not as if you had sex with a football team or drove a car and ran someone over. All you did was NEED him. He had to look after you. And it annoyed him.
Think about that. What would you feel like if he was incapacitated and needed your help? If he got stupidly drunk and you had to look after him? I imagine you'd feel sorry for him, you'd want to look after him, and you'd want to help him, the next day and afterwards, forget about it and not feel bad.
He is doing the opposite of what a proper friend would do - he isn't your friend, no. He is cold and frankly pretty strange. If your 1-month relationship was so good, why on earth did he ditch it? And why is he totally cutting you out now? He has some serious problems with opening up, loving and caring - trust me. I'm sorry, because he sounds charismatic and as if you have really got hooked on him, but sweetheart, you need to let him go completely. He will only ever hurt you. He is literally incapable of loving (you, or anybody), I think. And for him to punish you for that night - what a lot of nonsense.
Tell him this:
As you know, I'm really sorry I got drunk, and I'm grateful that you looked after me, but I'm even sorrier that instead of helping me now and being kind, you are trying to make me feel even worse. I didn't do anything terrible - I did something silly, and foolish, but I'm not the first or the last person who will have too much to drink, by accident. If you were my friend, you'd say 'hey, come on, no big deal - I still love you'. I'm sorry but it doesn't feel like you are my friend, so you trying to punish me now by cutting me out doesn't really matter, to be honest - you've shown that you aren't a proper friend, so I'm not really losing anything.
As you know, I have had very strong feelings for you - I really did like you, a lot. If you ever get to the point where you can like someone back in the same way, give me a call. I'd love to hear from you.'
That is what you should say, or send him, and then you should FORGET about him. At the moment, he is an idiot. Who knows if he'll ever change.
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A
female
reader, beehive +, writes (12 May 2009):
I have to agree. I think that if he cared about you on the same level that you care about him, he would have excused your indiscretion. We all have those nights. However, his actions sound selfish and manipulative. Perhaps he was trying to work on himself when he broke things off with you, or perhaps he just didn't want a relationship with you and what he told you was his attempt to break it to you easy. Regardless, his actions towards you now are indicative that he truly isn't worth your time and worth fighting for. I agree with the opinion that came before mine, you should do your best to take good care of yourself and move onto someone that will appreciate all of your qualities.
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A
female
reader, iracetobeatguys +, writes (12 May 2009):
hun...just back off him for a bit. give him some time to think this all over. guys are so much different than us. they need time to think about things, that is, if they think about it at all. either way, give it some time. if he left your after only a month, then it obviously wasn't that strong..
give him a few weeks, then maybe text him just saying hi. don't get all deep and emotional.
I pinky promise this will help lol
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A
male
reader, dave green +, writes (12 May 2009):
I hate to break it to you, but you got to respect his wishes, otherwise he will think you don't care about him at all, or perhaps you are ignorant of what he wants.
But more important than that...
It seems you are much more attracted to him than he is to you. why do I say this? Because when someone is really attracted to another person, seriously attracted, they can forgive silly mistakes, because they really want to be with them. It seems to me, he wont forgive your mistakes, wheras you will readily forgive him for dumping you straight after you had sex, and for saying really awful and hurtful things unneccessarily. A real caring mature man/boy would consider your feelings as much as his own, if he really cared at all in the first place.
my verdict: be more careful on nights out, and the next time a guy tells you he couldn't be in a relationship, listen.
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