A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This is a long story and I apologize but I really need some advice from some neutral parties here. I am wanting to reconcile with my ex-husband. We were married for 4 years. He was and still is the love of my life but he left me for another woman and I was devastated. The split was never a complete one. Although he carried on a new relationship, he still was dependent on me for advice and support whenever it suited him. I allowed this because I still cared about him and truthfully, I didn't want to cut the ties. I did not think he still loved me. Last night he came by my house out of the blue. He had obviously been drinking but not to the extreme. He asked if we could talk. His relationship had recently ended and we talked about that and other things. He apologized to me for the first time over how he treated me and lamented that he probably had made a big mistake. Against my better judgement, I let him kiss me. The kissing led to more and I let him have sex with me. Afterwards he left after saying he still loved me. I'm not sure what to think here. On one hand, I'm happy that we were intimate and want him back. On the other, I'm worried that I was just a rebound fling. He said all the right things but then he didn't contact me today. It's taking everything in me not to contact him. What should I do? Wait for him to make a move? Should I just let it all out and tell him my true feelings? I don't want to come across as needy and emotional but I dearly love him and want him home. I'm heartbroken and hopeful at the same time but I don't trust my own judgment right now. Does this sound salvageable? Should I push ahead and try to force the issue? Should I wait and see what happens? If he tries to sleep with me again, I doubt I'll be able to say no. I'm a wreck and don't know what to do. Advice?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2017): I have two ex husbands and yea they are assholes at times but even though they are married to someone else they still visit my bed. Men are men they get bored with sex easy. Was it lack of love that split u up or just bored sex ? Look at everything that has happened and think can he be trusted or not . I’ll never get back with my ex husbands, I don’t think I can trust them not to hurt me emotionally, ( they know and hate each other) but I wouldn’t mind having both guys in my bed every day. Only you know what is what . That sexual desire will always be there. It’s the emotional roller coaster ride in your heart that you have to deal with.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2017): He was drunk and feeling sentimental. He stopped-in on "old-reliable." That's you!
That visit is what's called a "booty-call!"
All you did was crush your heart in a vice by submitting to him. You didn't change a thing. You need to stop lying to yourself. The divorce is final...go look at the papers; if you need a reminder. You're just part of his harem. He's a cheater; so I'm sure he knows a few other ladies he can call on for some comforting and sexual-healing.
He is very much aware of your undying-devotion; and he exploits it every chance he gets. You are simply his wife on-hold; when he needs you to supplement the other woman's shortcomings. You're sure, dependable, patient, understanding, and USABLE. He has you wrapped around his pinky, and can always use you as his backup-girl. Yep, that's you!
Men handle our emotions very differently from women. We are all human. Both genders have all the same emotions. We just express them differently. A woman will surrender to her emotions and allow herself to cry. She will let her emotions flow, and she can put them in words. We men are wounded beasts. We go hide and lick our wounds. We try to find things to do or ways to avoid feeling pain. We choke-back tears and cover-up our soft-spots. We fake strength.
We can even conveniently turn-on tears; if it will manipulate or fool you. We can stun you with the L-word like snake-venom.
Women have their tools for survival, and so do we.
We pretend to be heartless or ruthless; and when we are rejected by one woman (or man), we'll just go find another. Men use sex as a pain-killer. We will sometimes show vulnerability only to use it as a tool of manipulation; or to make you drop your guard. Mostly bad men do this, but we're all capable.
He used your body to spite her for her rejection. He also used you to boost his damaged-ego; while he used your love as a bandage. You're a handy tool, or a dandy utensil. Someone he uses until he pulls himself together. Then he's on his way; as soon as his batteries are recharged.
How does it feel to be a "resource?" Not too good, huh?
See a therapist to help you move on, if necessary. You can't keep your life on-hold waiting for him to comeback. The man divorced you!!! He underwent that whole process to leave you for her. Get that through your skull.
It's sad to see a woman suffer; because she listens to her heart in spite of what her eyes and brain tell her. You can't be the captain's widow in the tower for the rest of your life. Waiting and looking into the horizon waiting to see any signs of his return. He always gives you a fake comeback. You fall for it every-time. Don't you?
When he put you through a divorce; those actions are how he really feels. He doesn't mind using you in a pinch; but his heart is in another place.
You need to get yourself some professional-help. You apparently can't do it by yourself. He will continuously use you, and walkaway into the arms of another woman. He'll throw you a bone, to make sure you stay put.
You're still young and should be seeking love in another place. The marriage died, and he made his choice. He hasn't returned or called; because he's sober now. You were the perfect pain-killer. You're back in the toolbox or the medicine cabinet, until he needs you again.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 September 2017):
 My guess is that it was rebound. He said he loved you, but he cheated on you, and not only that but never apologized for leaving you for another woman until last night? That is shocking. I understand you love him but surely you deserve better than to be treated like that, to be used for sex because his girlfriend left him. You haven't heard from him because he doesn't know what to say to you. For your own sanity you should stay away from him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 September 2017):
 I don't think he had sex with you out of "love" but out of hurt - so yes a rebound "thing".
He had recently broken up with someone he had DIVORCED you over.
His apologies weren't really for you per se. They were for himself, to make HIM feel better about what happened and how your marriage ended. You probably told him ALL the right things too so that he can stop feeling so guilty for hurting YOU.
Someone who shows up at your door drunk(ish) is not looking to redo the past. They are partly there out of loneliness and partly because he KNOWS you still care.
Being his counselor - helping him in his new relationship was probably NOT a great idea. Him keeping you in his life while dating someone new was probably NOT a great idea. Because it meant YOU didn't get to move on. You were in limbo hoping he would realize the "mistake" of divorcing you.
My advice? Next time he shows up drunk wanting your company, tell him to come back when sober.
Personally? I think the WORST thing you can do is take him back or get involved with him again. Did he cheat? and left you for another woman. Now that she is no longer around he comes sniffing at your door for comfort and then ignores you.
If you were hurt the FIRST time he hurt you by leaving, he will do it again. And it might hurt a thousand times more the second time around.
Sex doesn't mean - I love you and want to be with you again. It means I want physical contact with someone who is willing to have sex with me. Someone who will fuss over me, rub my ego and assuage my guilt.
I think you are in for more hurt by keeping him in your life. And... you are wasting your time with him.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (22 September 2017):
 Op, it seems to me as if he's playing at something.
We can analyze all of the information that we're given and it just looks really suspicious.
Firstly, when he was married to you he left you for another woman which shows where his mind was all along. Although it is emotional cheating, it's cheating nonetheless and whether you believe in it or not it's obvious that something was going on behind your back the entire time. Now, just based off of that, what would make you want him back? That wasn't a decent thing of him to do at all and also, he hasn't indicated that he wants you back. It just seems like he needed some comfort and you were there because he knew you'd be.
He probably hasn't contacted you because he realizes what the situation was and he's taken it for what it is. Honestly he just seems like he's keeping you around as an option so to speak and now that you've slept with him, he knows for next time that there are no boundaries if ever he needs any cheering up again. I think that he was just feeling down and got soppy just to get what he wanted out of the situation.
I also think that you deserve better than this awful ex of yours. That's not to say he's all bad, that's just to say that he does bad things.
Next time you should stand your ground and stick to your guns. Don't make him feel like he can do as he pleases or he will do as such.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (22 September 2017):
 I suspect the sex was "comfort sex" - he was hurt and alone, and you were familiar and available. I hope you were sensible enough to use contraception.
If he is recently out of this relationship, it would not be a good idea for him to just step straight back into a relationship with you - even if we assume he wants to. You two need to sort out what it was that led him to cheat on you in the first place to try to prevent it happening again if you get back together otherwise you could just be storing up a lot more pain for yourself. To be in that situation once is unfortunate, but to be in it again with the same person is a CHOICE. You KNOW what hurt he is capable of inflicting on you.
Could you trust him if you took him back? How do you know he would not be going to his ex for advice and support, just as he did with you?
You say he is the love of your life but have you given yourself chance to meet other people? Or has the fact that the two of you never split up completely prevented you from moving on and kept you "available" to him as a Plan B if his other relationship didn't work out? How many times would you allow him to put you through such treatment? You may feel he is the love of YOUR life, but are YOU the love of HIS life? I would guess not, if he dumped you for someone else.
Please go into this with your eyes open and realize you could be just walking into a whole lot more pain. There is no saying he even WANTS to come back. Just because he had sex with you when a bit drunk and in need of comfort does not mean he wants a relationship with you again. He is probably not contacting you because he feels guilty about what he did as he must realize you will see it as a lot more than he does.
Please be careful. Love is a two way thing and you deserve to be loved just as much back as you love the other person. You deserve so much better than to be someone's Plan B.
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