A
female
age
51-59,
*uliebug
writes:I have had a deep longing for another child for ten years. It has only gotten stronger. I have a new husband (1yr tomorrow). Before we dated three years ago, he told me he wanted more children. I have a 16 year old from a previous marriage. He has an 8 year old natural daughter and a 4 year old adopted daughter (internationally) from his previous marriage. He knew a huge factor in my last marriage breaking up was due to my ex-husband not wanting to have children. Of course, there was a huge age difference also so the baby thing was just one factor. My current husband and his ex-wife had fertility problems. She finally became pregnant (the child is now 8). But then she wasn't satisfied. Even though their marriage was already on the rocks, he allowed her to pursue international adoption. So, now they have another child (4 yrs old). He tells me that his ex took no responsibility for helping take care of the oldest child even when she was a baby. So why did he adopt another with her? Now, he says he has all the kids he wants and he wants to experience life just with me. I think he is being incredibly selfish because he knew that having a baby was my heart's deepest desire for many years. I am really hurt because I believe he must have loved his ex-wife more than me. Look at the lengths he went to to give her two children - fertility treatments and then adoption. Why am I not worth even trying naturally? It really hurts. I feel unloved and I feel like he doesn't care about my dreams. I will not leave him if we don't have more children. I love him more than anything in this world! Every other area of our marriage is wonderful. But I know I will resent him for this. What do I do? We are in counseling for this but it doesn't seem to get anywhere. He says "OK - we'll have one" but I can tell he really doesn't want to. Then he changes his mind again. I don't know what to do at this point.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2008): Well, I see only women have responded to you so coming from a man's perspective if you already have 3 children one being 16 why would you want to start all over? I myself have 2 children from 2 different women. I would suggest you enjoy the 3 you have. You said everything else in your marriage is good, why would you want to chance ruining a good thing? Don't get me wrong, I LOVE both of my children, but am very satified with what God has giving me. Hope you two can come to an agreement.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2008): Just becuase he has kids with the first wife doesn't mean he don't love you, in fact, i believe he loves you even more. I could be wrong. But don't think so. You said every part of your relationship is wonderful. Why are you looking for a child? You may be the selfish one in this case? My suggestion is find activities you both like and enjoy them together. Can you arrange to have them more often to fill a void? In reality kids are a small part of life that should be enjoyed together, you already have three together. Enjoy them My suggetion is to spend time with him and enjoy the kids you already have. If i had a man who cared for my kids and loved me i would not hesitate to spend my life with him exploring each other. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2008): My husband (41) and i (38) almost lost the best marriage we had with this exact issuse. He wanted another child and i didn't (we have 4). Many conselors suggested different goals for him and i to challenge ourselves to occupy the "void". It was the best decision he finally made. He enjoys nature walking with me and i enjoy the quiet evenings we share every night. Kids are great but you need to spend time in your marriage and the man you said you love. Hope it works out for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2008): talk to him about how you feel and tell him everything. if you're not going to leave him then thats about all you can do. hope everything works out :]
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2008): He doesn't love his ex more than you. He is satisfied with the 2 kids he has already, and now that he isn't in his 20's anymore, he does not want to start over with a new born baby. I have 2 babies under 1 year old, and it has totally strained mine & my husband's relationship. There is no time to just enjoy being together. And this is what your husband wants, to enjoy being with you. I don't know what to tell you except that he may resent you for pressuring him into making a new life that he does not want to make. I think you need to talk more about it, and go to counseling with him. If he still decides that he doesn't want another baby, and everything else in your marriage is great, focus on doing something else. make new goals for yourself. Do something to fill the void that you're looking to fill with having another baby.
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