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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I am feeling so depressed. My husband and I have been married for 11 years. We have a 5yo, 8yo and 12yo. My husband has been depressed for the longest while due to finances. Things started looking up for us early last year, but by July/August things took a turn for the worst. He started spending nights out. I have my own home and he has his place that needed renovation and said that is where he was at nights. Come to find out he was fixing the place so his BM could live there as it became difficult for her to rent. He cheated and got her pregnant but I forgave him. After she moved in, he still spent nights out.I spoke to him about how I felt, he never considered how I felt so we have been separated for approximately 7mths. He still wanted the marriage but I just felt like I could no longer put up with this toxic marriage. Even my eldest said she saw a video on TT where some parents are only together for the sake of their children and she feels that is what is going on with her father and me.Last night we had a puppy that died and begged him to come and comfort our children. He said no and never came. Our 2nd born said he wished he was young because his father was always home. Despite all he has put me through, the lies and the cheating, hearing my son, made me feel like I want back my family. But I know, I would be sacrificing a peace of mine and I know I have been a good wife and don't deserve to be treated this way. He is not even a good father. How do I move on?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (14 April 2024):
 "How do I move on?"
You tell family and friends what's going on.
You file for divorce and child support/maintenance and division of assets if there are any.
You file for visitation schedule with the courts (he might want to give up visitations since it seems he has a new family already). Be prepared for that.
DO NOT rush to date again.
Get help from family and friends to support you and your kids with spending time with them (not money)
Sit them down and explain in the simplest terms that you and dad are divorcing and that it's NOT their fault. Don't talk smack about him around them but don't make him out to be a better man that he is, that won't help them.
Look at your finances. Make a budget with your new reality in mind.
When you DO start to dating down the line, DO NOT introduce new partner until you have dated them a year. DO background checks. Have their family/friends vet them, have YOUR family and friends check them out.
YOUR priority is to keep your kids loved, fed, housed. Not finding a "new daddy".
Accept that your STBX has moved on and is a piece of shit dad and man. Good riddance.
This isn't about YOU not being a good enough wife, mother or woman.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2024): You need to focus on your needs and the needs of your children, financial and otherwise. Get a lawyer and make sure that you have all the documents you need. Depressed or not, he has to take care of his kids financially. At least.
Depression is tricky. People who are otherwise kind and generous can become self-centered, even self obsessed. But, people who were selfish to begin with become unbearable.
I understand that he has no wish to see you or your kids. It's not nice, but he has the right not to want to be with you. However, there are some parental duties that he must fulfill. The less he does so, the more he has to pay. E. g. if he won't take the kids to school, he needs to pay for someone who will.
So make sure that you get the best legal advice you can afford. You don't really know a partner until "the break-up test". That's when most people show their true colors.
I would make sure that there is a written trace when I communicate with him. E. g. you invite him to come over because one of the kids is ill, he refuses or does not respond. It's always good to have written proof of his negligence. You never know how things may evolve.
My father had 3 kids with 3 different women. And he took care only of the middle kid - the son. Not because he was generous, but because he was depressed and lonely. The first kid was much older than us. My mother made sure to protect me legally from him. The second wife had her own problems and he used that against her to take away her kid, once he felt he needed someone. Before he was as negligent with him as with the rest of us.
We had a friend whom we known all of our lives. He was a bit spoiled by his parents, but he always had a job and projected an image of a responsible person. Once he started approaching the dreaded forty and had a kid, his wife wanted more than him - he went crazy. Not because he was depressed, but because he started using his depression as an excuse to do whatever he wanted (risky sexual behavior, for one). He even pretended to be bipolar (I'm not joking) so that he would be relieved of some parental obligations (paying alimony). When that diagnosis was refuted, he didn't want to find a job so that he wouldn't be forced to pay anything to his kid. What he did do, he worked "on the black", without declaring his income. We couldn't recognize him anymore. He cheated not only on his wife, but by refusing to pay support , he hurt his own kid!
Sorry if that was a bit long. My point is, anything can happen. You can't count on him. Make sure that you can provide for your kids and that you have legal help and teh supprt of your friends and family.
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