A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I turn to the Agony Aunts for everything! Today I'm writing about the following issue: My boyfriend brought up the topic of marriage a few months ago and we are already making plans. I work for him so I am at his house every day. We already act like a married couple-cooking, cleaning, paying bills, etc all together. In all sincerity, he tells me that his house is now my house too, including everything in it, since I am there more than at my own house. I am not one to just jump in and say "OK!" but rather just said "no honey, it's all yours." He still insists-but now to the topic. We share his computer and he tells me to use it for anything I want. I'm a college student so I use the internet quite frequntly for online classes. Just recently I found nude pics of his exes that had been there for a really long time, including a movie of his ex "playing" with "toys" and things. The ex of which I speak cheated on him 3 times then finally left him over a year ago. They were together for 5 years. Well today when I looked, He had deleted all the pics of his exes last night except for *her* pics and her video and even added a headshot of me in the same folder. I have no problem with them still being friends...it just concerns me that he would want to keep the pictures of her. He still has a whole shoebox full of love letters, 2 bags of teddy bears and cards she gave him, and even a framed picture of them together. We've been together for almost 6 months, but is he still not completely over her? I know he loved her very much. Another question, since he insists I can do as I please in the house and on the computer, I went through and deleted the pictures of his "5 yr ex." Was I right in doing so? Thank you so much for all your advice!!! I love you all!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2008): I have been in the same situation as you have, but you have to realize a few things and I think you were quite wrong in doing so to be honest. A) They were together for 5 years, you guys have been together for only 6 months. B) All the items you listed are his memories of their relationship and as he lets go of her more and more of it will just wind up going in the garbage until he decides to get rid of everything except for the small pieces that really make him remember the relationship.
I mean in life we go through how many relationships? And especially ones that we fall hard for. It's nice to look back on those memories and have all the happy times, I understand that the pictures were racy, but as his new girlfriend you really have to be able to accept that that was a passage in his life, it is part of him, deleting them only shows jealousy and insecurity. My current boyfriend has pictures of his ex too, some racy most not, and yes once in a while I've seen him glance at them sit back and sigh, then get a sad look in his eyes. But the remorse and regret only last long enough for me to go over and kiss him. Then he remembers why they are not together, and why we are. Love is a fickle thing and I don't think anyone has the right to take away a memory except for his ex herself if she is uncomfortable with him having them that is something between them, you however had no right to destroy a part of him. As I said jealousy and insecurity, this isnt an attack on you but recognize what you did for what it is.
Now if you walked in on him playing with himself to those photos well then I understand, but if he's doing that and asking you to marry him, then your marriage sadly will not last because a huge part of him still belongs to her. It takes a lot of mental turmoil to be able to be with someone else while still jerking to your ex, and he obviously is just trying to fill her place. That is something for you two to decide.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2008): hey! this is the original poster of this question-normally i wouldnt jump and do something so major as deleting things without asking first-but as crazy as it sounds, it felt so natural to do it and i never felt an ounce of guilt after doing it, which is so not like me! it actually made me feel that i had POWER over HER!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2008): Oh dont get me on the shit subject of exs, I HATE THE BLOODY THINGS!!!!! I would of got rid of them just the same as you. My bloke had some stuff still around his house when we moved in, he got rid of them as soon as i pointed them out, but i couldnt believe he still had them after she had been gone 3 years, and she went off with someone else. Blokes!!!!!! Any that i found after that i got rid of, you go for it girl, and get rid of the lot.
take care
xx
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A
female
reader, Star_07 +, writes (29 May 2008):
 Okay, obviously I can not give you the "right" answer to this one so perhaps other agony aunts will have a clearer perspective..so here my opinion goes...
You go girl! I would have trashed that crap a LONG time ago! I could understand if he didnt want to throw away some "G" rated pictures but nudies and teddy bears and cards? Why would he need to hold on to that? The relationship is done and over with, there is no need to keep things like that. Okay, maybe if they were married and she died of cancer or some sad story but still...I think I would have done the same thing.
Delete. Delete. Delete.
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A
female
reader, lotus mama808 +, writes (29 May 2008):
 The right thing to do is to follow your intuition, and if it was telling you delete tose pics, it was the right thing to do. I, personally, would have approached things differently. I am all about open communication, and before I deleted anything, I would have brought it to his attention that I found them and would have asked him if they were pics he wanted to keep, and if so, why? I would ask him if it would hurt him if I had those kind of pics of my ex. I wouldnt flip out, but give him a chance to explain, and also give him a chance to be in my shoes about the issue. If he understood my concern, I'd expect him to delete them himself, without my telling him to do so. If he didnt, I would then know that he is still attached to this girl, and maybe I should move on.
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