A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please help me end it for good.... I need some emotional support. I have been with my boyfriend for 7 1/2 years. I'm 44 He's 47... I have broken up with him before only to take him back after he begs and makes promises he cannot seem to keep. I have been with him through his unemployment, health problems, etc. I have lived with him for a few years. But then he wanted to live alone so I moved out. But we still have seen each other 4-5 times a week since. I know a lot of what has happened is because I allowed it to happen. I don't want to allow it any more. We have had a lot of good times together. But I cry most of the time his indecisiveness is driving me insane. He leaves me feeling drained and insecure. We were to marry once but he changed his mind. I am/have been always a willing sex partner willing to please but he still is always looking for the next it seems. He seems to change things when it does not fit his plans or he forgets what he said and promised He is unemployed again has been for three months. So I have been there for him cheering him up however I could, Stupidly I spent close to 1000.00$ on him in Dec. taking him out to dinners, movies, beach weekend for New Years... Stupid I know.... All I received was a head beanie!!! I know he's unemployed but still...:[ It's not the money it's the lack of thought. Today he called me to tell me he had an interview in FL which I told him good luck and all. We are in another state so if he gets this job he will have to move and all. I asked him what about us? He said he did not expect me to uproot and all. He said If I was married to him then I would come with him. He said he does not see me as long term??? I have been with him for 7 1/2 years through all of his crap??? I said if he goes we're done if he does not go we are done also now knowing how easily he can dispose of me... He knows I always wanted to move back to FL and my kids are grown... Anyways after all said he says he wants to talk about this more when he gets back maybe he is not ready to let go????? I am so confused and irritated. He begged me the last time to give him another chance and continue are relationship. Sorry it's so long. Thank you in advance.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 January 2009):
 What do you think you'll be able to handle? I think face to face can be more 'honorable' but only if you think you can manage it. If you think it's better to write it down, then do so. I'm not sure about the email though. Just keep in mind that anything you write in an email can be posted anywhere on the internet, so be cautious about what you put out there. He could, in a burst of vindictiveness, send a copy to everyone you know. I doubt that would happen, but it doesn't hurt to be sensibly cautious.
Could you do it the old fashioned way and write a Dear John letter? Leave the note where he'll be sure to find it when he gets home. It might be a bit chicken but you have to do what you have to do. If you want, you could say, 'call me after you read this' and then you could have a phone conversation just tying it all up and calling it over.
I guess just think about how you'll feel after you did one or the other. Which will give you a sense of closure and the ability to move ahead with your new life? Which will you not regret later on?
You're being very brave and determined, you know.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again Tisha1 for taking the time to answer me....I was wondering would email be best to end it or face to face?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 January 2009):
I know it must hurt after 7 years. How could it not? So you can guess how you're going to feel, so get ready for it. Don't dread it, prepare for it, does that make sense? Take back your control. Someone gave me that advice once when I was having lovelife problems, and it was the best piece of advice I'd ever had along those lines. It opened my eyes and I became aware of how I had ceded control to a guy who didn't know what he wanted. It made me feel so much better to take control back of my own life and make my own decisions without his baggage. I know it'll be tough, but you're getting there. A year from now, you'll look back on this and wonder why you found it hard to do the break up. Visualize your life a week from now, a month from now, a year from now. It will be a new one, different, yes, but you can make it good and fulfilling for yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Tisha1,
I appreciate what you said I have read your post twice already.....I am going to a friends house for a couple of days he gets back Sat. I do have his key and will remove my stuff...he does not have my key ...I am working on my backbone but it does hurt so much...
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 January 2009):
Okay, you do need emotional support!So I'm sending you some mental courage and a whole new outlook on things. I'm encouraging you to grow a relationship spine. This is the part of the body that you're missing now, and it's the lack of it that has allowed you to basically bend to his whims. If you had had one earlier, you probably would have completely dumped his sorry a$$ the first time he treated you so badly.
He's begged you many times to put up with his rude, selfish, cheating behavior. And to cap it all off, he doesn't see you as long term. Girlfriend, grow that spine RIGHT NOW. We're going to start planning your exit.
1. Be sure you have all your stuff out of his place before you do anything. Don't let him catch on that you are removing EVERYTHING if you can help it. Do you have a key? Let yourself in and take what belongs to you, and you only. Do not take anything of his or do any destructive things.
[bing! First vertebra in that spine1]
2. Warn your best friend and the relative you're closest to that you are about to make big changes and will need their support to get through some bumpy days. Have them line up some activities with you. Anything, movies, walks, dinners, classes, sports, exercise classes, whatever. Just be sure to have something planned every single day. Even if it is just a phone call with somebody. Plan your next week out, or maybe two weeks. Obviously, he's not included in them.
[bing! Second vertebra!]
3. Get in some comfort food and a couple of DVDs and kleenex.
[bing! Third vertebra.]
4. Change any locks that he might have a key to, if he has access to your place. Also change any passwords that he might know too. Basically start to protect your personal property. I hope he doesn't have access to your credit card numbers. Just get yourself sorted out in this regard.
[bing! Fourth vertebra.]
5. Then pick your time to tell him. It might not be a bad idea to do this out in a public place. There, you can walk away and he can't make too big a scene. A park? It's such awful weather in most of the country. A busy restaurant? I know that you cry easily, so this might be tough. Then again, you might have enough steel in that new spine, and a sense of determination and control that you'll be just fine.
6. Tell him that you've had a lot of time to consider everything and that you have decided it's over, you're moving on. No discussions, no negotiations, no yadda yadda yadda 'things will be better when...' no listening to promises, no appeals to your sympathy. Done. Dee-Oh-En-Eee. DONE!!! "It's over. I don't care to discuss it any more. I'm done. I wish you well in your future life, I'm getting on with mine. Goodbye."
Then for heaven's sake, LEAVE. Here's a good time to have a girlfriend on hand for emergency emotional backup. If you need to get home, she can drive you. I want you in that neutral, public place so that neither of you have to leave the other's place.
7. If he calls you, refer to #6. Repeat after me. "It's over. I'm done with this. I'm moving on." Repeat as necessary. If you really need to add some emphasis, "I deserve better than this. I am worth more than being with a man who doesn't see a future with me. I am a young and beautiful vibrant woman with my whole life ahead of me."
8. Then start living that beautiful and vibrant life. You'll have a whole period where you're unhappy and crying a lot. But if I have managed to transmit any sense of determination and control to you, and you grow that spine, you WILL be fine. You'll create your new life, one in which YOU decide to live well and surround yourself with people who care about you, and want only the best for you. You will eliminate any negative people or those that drag you down and sap your strength and essentially use you.
It's a whole new glorious world! You just have to get through the rough patch, so PLAN and focus and keep your mind always moving forward.
Harness your energy and put it to work for you. You'll be just fine. After all, you've made step number one already, haven't you? You've decided to end it. You just need the plan now.
GO on now and get started with your new life!!!!
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