A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear all. I finally got out of an emotionally abusive relationship ten weeks ago. It was very toxic. He gave me the silent treatment for weeks at a time, used to slam down the phone on me, was unreliable and a whole host of other things. Anyway, I finally stuck up for myself and ended it. He went silent. After 8 weeks I was stupidly missing him- in fact I was feeling worse as the weeks went on was. I think it might have been curiousity on reflection, so I texted him. He responded saying how he loved me and had been thinking about me. We exchanged some more texts, and I it gave me the creeps as I saw that nothing had changed. I think he is going to try and see me at some point, and the thought of that makes me feel sick, yet I still get a bit jealous incase he finds someone else. I really cannot face him again, but feel i've lead him on a bit? and now all the old horrible feelings are coming back. Not feelings that I want him, but the bad feelings. Should I just keep telling him I'm busy until he get's the hint? I feel vunerable again. Thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2015): Hi thereTo the aunt who denied that this lady's partner is abusive....he is. She hasn't told us the whole gamut of emotional manipulation etc but from the small amount that this lady has told us, he is most definitely abusive. And to the OP herself...hello..you would know, right? You've lived with it and you don't get sick feelings about meeting someone who's just immature. I know exactly what you mean. It's difficult to explain to people why the man who abused you is someone you could miss. My ex was great and there was lots to miss. He was also frightening, controlling etc. I had to finish with him but I didn't want to lose the good him. I can only sympathise with your feelings. For eighteen months my ex was waiting for me. We both dance and mutual friends would tell me that he still arrives alone, goes home alone. They didn't understand why we broke up because we looked so in love on the dance floor. We were. He would get in touch in different ways occasionally and let it be clear he was still there. He said he would be. It was SO HARD to keep saying no to something I desperately wanted to say yes to!! But I knew if I did, that I would regret it. I knew that when he got someone else, that that would be when my heartbreak began. It did. It was like a kick in the stomach and heart even after eighteen months apart. But it was the kick I needed and four to five months later I'm starting to date someone else and I have forgotten all about him. It takes time. I recognise the sick feeling you're getting because you know you're letting someone with, let's face it, bad intentions towards you, back in. If he does try to arrange something (and I would say that he's been waiting for you to crack and get back in touch), then I don't think you have any choice but to say that you're very sorry, but you don't think it would be a good idea after all. Can be a bit scary I know, the thought of incurring their wrath, but you can't be held to doing something you no longer want to do. Have someone with you when you do it perhaps and to stay a bit afterwards. I would have been scared if I'd had to do it. If you haven't been through it, others don't realise that you can love them, but be terrified of them at the same time. Great huh?Good luck and stick to your guns....be strong and move forward...it is the only option you have. x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks sageoldguy. You have hit the nail right in the head. You are right. Ignoring, time then indifference. I am going to do that. That's cleared my head. Thank you. :-)
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (16 May 2015):
 You should IGNORE him... again and again and again.... until MUCH TIME has passed... and you haven't had a damn thing to do with him... and you've gotten on with your life... and have become indifferent to him.... and have forgotten him....
When you get to that... THEN you will, truly, be "over" him....
Good luck..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear all. Thank you for your answers / advice. I am well aware that what I did was unhealthy. I was not seeking dominance in the relationship, but waa just trying to survive a torrent of bad treatment, and lost my confidence which made me weak. I take full responsibility for that. Wise owl. You are right. I do need to get some professional help and will do asap. I will also tell him I madw a mistake contacting him, because that's the truth, and the best way forward. I literally got curious and wanted to see, and now I have. It's really helped writing into this site. Thank you. :-)
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (16 May 2015):
 Yu cannot be serious? Unless you enjoy abuse?? Forget this clown and be about what's best for you. Are you the sadist or the machocist in this merry-go-round Best wishes and good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2015): You should let him know that you feel contacting him may have been a mistake. You shouldn't lead him on. That will give him reason to get hostile with you, and will trigger more abuse.
You can't play games with abusive people. You also have to get counseling. You don't have to go hire a psychiatrist or psychologist; just look up free clinics and local women's organizations that offer free assistance to battered or abused women. Now is the time to turn to your friends and family to fill-in the loneliness.
You can't allow the "drama queen" in your alter-ego to drive you back to seeking all that drama in your life. She will play on your emotions and lie to you. Whispering in your ear that it wasn't so bad and you miss him.
Seriously?!! What's there to miss? Most abused-women do return to their abusive situations; so don't be hard on yourself. Relapse is the result of the lack of counseling and professional consultation that is essential to explain how you've been affected by the abuse. You need therapy to help you heal from the psychological trauma. Even with help, you can't allow it to become a crutch. You have to develop your own strength. Stop surrendering to weakness.
Allow your survival instincts to takeover.
Sometimes you can do it all on your own. If you're determined enough. Just talking with someone helps; and you sometimes need a "go-to" person to help you through moments of desperation, confusion, and angst. Definitely not him!!!
Breaking-up is a very traumatic experience in itself. Feeling jealous that a piece of shit finds someone else to abuse, well...that's just not smart. You aren't exercising any will-power, and it is shear will that we recover from any sort of trauma. The mind and body cannot heal, unless we will it so. Medicine and therapy doesn't do the healing, it masks the pain long enough to allow us to heal ourselves.
You can always keep letting yourself slip back and be his punching-bag or whipping-post. You're going to have to have a backbone in order to survive him, and any other relationship. Coming here and always looking for somewhere to vent your emotions isn't enough. You have to practice some fortitude and make some assertive efforts to save yourself. No matter what you do, you will have to get-away from him; and coming back and forth to be told the same thing over and over isn't doing you any good.
We hope to offer you comfort and advice; but we cannot control your thoughts and actions. That's your responsibility.
You can't keep using the excuse you can't help yourself.
If you don't, who will?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2015): You don't want him but don't want anyone else to have him either?Talk about unhealthy...Ok,honestly, by what you describe (you did not say he was putting you down, yelling at you,or whatever), he seems inconsiderate + a bit of a prick (the silent treatment that is), but not abusive.Let's reserve that word for people who have really suffered from abuse. Our language is rich enough to express states of suffering in between... such as neglect.I think he was ignoring you, neglecting you etc. but also you seem attached to him in a very unhealthy way. Find what causes this unhealthy attraction (honestly from the outside it seems like you were fighting for dominance in the relationship. And neither party wanted to let the other one "win".) You win at what exactly though? Making you both miserable?I'd say look into how more egalitarian relationships work and what keeps them going. Fighting for dominance in a relationship is not gonna work unless a) you find yourself a meek husband, happy to oblige b) you yourself are happy to be 50's style housewife. I don't know which side you lean towards. Some people are happy in relationships like this (have seen many such relationships! they work for the people involved coz BOTH parties are ok with the situation). They don't work for me.It seems in this case they did not work for you possibly coz you had two dominants instead of one?I'd say make your excuses and leave him well alone.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2015): Telling him your busy is just putting off the the truth. You need to tell him that you cannot be with him..if you want to be creative you could telll him you are going abroad, or your rugby playing previous partner is back n the scene and as he is six foot four with two missing front teeth and a broken nose from last weeks rugby match you dont think it would be a good idea for them to meet ..spring on him that youre getting engaged to said rugby player and his five brothers are coming to share house with you while you go out on the town for celebration..that should put him off a bit!
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