A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I met this girl at an AA meeting and she was really cute and flirty at first. We started talking, went to a midnight meeting and I took her back to my apartment and we made snacks. She ended up spending the night and we made out and when we got to me moving her hands to my crotch, she pulled away and told me that she just met me and that she didn't think it was right to do that. I backed off and we just cuddled. I asked her if she felt safe staying the night since the buses weren't running anymore. She said she did and when I asked if she wanted me on the couch so she could take the bed, she said she was OK with sharing the bed. We just cuddled and talked in bed and I didn't force anything on her. We started out going to a few meetings together, since she's in my home group and I started taking her home on Tuesdays and thursdays since she could go to a later meeting and still get home (she would have to wait an hour for the bus otherwise). Well, she said we needed to cut down on our time together because neither or us were ready for a relationship and she didn't want to get wrapped up. I agreed, but it was also because she was starting to annoy me. She just talks a lot with no real point and she uses all these big words I don't know. Then she over-explains and tries to make me explain myself. I hate explaining myself because I ramble like a girl.Anyway, after three months of this, she started saying I was using her for sex (we had sex three days into knowing each other and it had been two years for me). I told her I didn't like being made out to be the bad guy and she said she wasn't doing that but she backed down when she saw it was pissing me off.Now, everything she does pisses me off. She talks too much, explains too much, uses big words too much, and squirms around too much at night. And when we go shopping she keeps slowing me down and lately she's been complaining that we "never do activities together" I'm really busy, I work 50 hours a week of manual labor and we're both trying to go to meetings and group so we can get off probation (me) or get our kids back (her). I like only seeing her once a week but yeah, all ew have time for anymore is sex. And they have to be quickies because I hate the foreplay and cuddling crap. I just like my space after sex, I don't like people touching on me and cuddling me because I just feel smothered.I told her that I didn't consider it a relationship and she said she didn't either but attacked me by asking if we were at least friends and whether or not I'm using her just for sex. that isn't true, she knows I'd never force myself on her. And I consider her a friend, but I can only take so much of her at once. I mean, I try to give her advice to help her out with her problems and I treat her real nice when she's over but still.How do I explain that I can only take so much at once from her but it's not because I hate her (I don't) or because I think she's just a sex robot (she isn't). If we did activities it would be like we were in a relationship and neither of us want that. But every time she talks to me she says somewhere in conversation that she feels used. I'm not a guy to do that and it's ^^^^^^ off but I don't want to be a dick.Any advice?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 November 2013):
 If you are both so new to recovery then you both KNOW this relationship is NOT a good idea.
I won't lecture you on it... she's using you and you're using her... it's a mutual use and abuse relationship.
You cuddled at first... you got laid.. now everything but sex about this woman annoys you... it's not even FWB... it's not NSA as she wants to be FRIENDS too.. YOU don't even want to be FRIENDS with her.
IT is in your best interest and hers for you two to part ways... be nice to each other at the meetings... but DO NOT socialize outside of them.
Ask your sponsors what they advise.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2013): "You should not be sleeping with her. You are using her and she wants more."
Translation:
"Its your duty to read her mind and realize she is saying one thing and wanting another. You need to disregard what she tells you she wants (even if this makes her angry at you), and instead do what (you believe) is in her best interests. You need to conduct your whole relationship with her in whatever way suits or helps her. Ignore your own needs and wants entirely. And if you happen to guess wrong about what is best for her it will be your fault too."
I find it interesting that the male responders say it's her problem and the female responders say its yours.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2013): If what I am doing is using her for sex, then she's using me for sex too and has no argument. That is about all we do and I hate to say it, but the poster who thinks I actively dislike the girl is right. She's not the girl she pretended to be toward me in the very beginning.
I called to talk to her about this, about how I felt rejected when she kept deciding not to have sex even though I invited her over and cooked for her. I told her that if she never wants to have sex with me again, that's fine, but that she shouldn't expect to be coming over every week. She got pretty mad about that and I pointed out that if I was using her, she as using me. She had nothing to say to that.
I think the two posters that said she is putting herself in this position are right. I told her from the get-go that we weren't boyfriend and girlfriend and she agreed. We're basically friends with benefits but apparently she wants me to treat her like a friend. What she doesn't get is that a friend you have sex with and go to activities with is your girlfriend. She's trying to make this something it's not, even though she agreed on no relationship from the beginning.
I guess I am just more frustrated at what she doesn't get about that..
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2013): The only way you can use someone who does not want to be used is to lie to them.
If you haven't been lying to her about what you want from this, then she needs to stop blaming you and start accepting responsibility for letting herself be used.
You are using her body for sex. She is using her own body to keep you around in her life. If she is no longer happy with the situation then she needs to make a choice and change it herself.
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A
female
reader, R1  +, writes (26 November 2013):
 I hope you are also getting professional help as it is clear your issues are far more than anything this site can offer. Aa meetings aren't a place to meet women. Could that be where you went wrong...? Be honest, get out of this relationship/arrangement and sort your life out one step at a time.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 November 2013):
 You absolutely *are* using her, and I think you know that. You said this:
"And they have to be quickies because I hate the foreplay and cuddling crap. I just like my space after sex, I don't like people touching on me and cuddling me because I just feel smothered."
Really? If you're making sex all about you, then you are taking advantage of her and using her. What does she get after you get yours? I can see why she's angry. You don't like what she says, you don't like talking, you just want her to shut up so you can stick it in her and then blow her off for the night.
You're not her friend, because most enemies treat people better than you do. You don't appreciate her for her, and you're with her only for what she gives you.
When you got together, you grab her hand to your crotch? Smooth move, Romeo. I bet you gave her lots of oral before you did that, right? You didn't? What a shocker.
I wish she were here so I could tell her to break up with you. You need to not be so selfish here, because even if there's not this big relationship, it takes the cake that you get annoyed that she uses "big words". She is INTELLIGENT, and they tend to do that.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (26 November 2013):
Some people just feel like victims. If you've been clear with her about the type of relationship you have and she understands, then you're not using her in the sense she means. Using her would be if you were giving her hope that a relationship was a possibility just so she'd have sex with you.
Maybe yo need to reiterate that you're not interested in a relationship, no is it a possibility down the road. For now you're just interested I occasional companionship. Tell her if that's not okay with her that you'd understand if she didn't want to see her anymore.
If she says she's consenting to the type of relationship you guys have.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (26 November 2013):
You are totally using her for sex! I don't know where you get the idea that because you would never force (rape) her you are not using her, as those are two very different things.
Dude you don't seem to like her at all, in fact I'd go as far as to say you actively DISLIKE her, so you are clearly only keeping her around for the sex. That is the definition of using someone. She asked you if you consider her a friend because she can obviously sense your disdain towards her and it's pretty damn hurtful to feel like you're just a warm d**k holder even if you're not in a relationship with that person. She's still a person with feelings and deserves to be treated nicely and with respect whether she's your girlfriend or not.
Be honest with yourself. If it's not about sex then what are you keeping her around for? You sound like you're pissed off by her very existence so why not tell her you don't want to see her any more? Problem solved. Then she can find someone else who appreciates the fact she has a lot to say and she knows how to articulate it. You say yourself you have lots of stuff to sort out with AA and everything so it would be for the best anyway.
Oh, and by the way, if you can't be bothered with foreplay, cuddling, people touching you, thinking about the other person AT ALL when you have sex and all that other 'crap', then you need a fleshlight not a woman. All the best.
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