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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hello. My predicament is a little sensitive so please be gentle on me. Me and my bf were going through a lot and I had a one night stand, with a married man. To be fair we did not have intercourse but I accept that I was unfaithful. I have spoken to the guy since and we both regret it. We were both drunk and it was more opportunistic. My bf had finished with me a few days before and we were having ‘a break’ but were still together but only because I had persuaded him to have a break and not split up. I think I was very lonely at the time and vulnerable. My bf does not know this man. I saw the married guy last week and we have both agreed it was a mistake and that we regret it and that it wont happen again. I did not even enjoy it, I think I was just really lonely and upset. His wife was away that weekend. He has never done anything to his wife like this before. The thing is, I am now hugely paranoid that he is going to tell her, even though he has told me that he wont. Is it likely that he will tell her? They have two kids and have been together for years. They are really happy.It was just a drunken mistake, there is no way in hell I am ever going to tell anyone about this, least of all my partner. we have got through our problems and we are much better. This would break his heart, he does not need to know. Please do not suggest I tell him, it is NOT going to happen, no matter how much the do-gooders try to shame me into it. I’m not an idiot. My question is, is my paranoia about him telling his wife just my guilt or is it likely, even though he has said he wont? I have never been unfaithful in my life and I feel terrible. How do I learn to live with this guilt and forgive myself?
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a break, drunk, married man, one night stand, split up Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2011): Hi Jonas - i'm the OP,There is no contact, we do not even have each ohters numbers! I saw him the night it happened and I saw him in town a few weeks ago and the conversation consisted of 'you havnt told anyone have you?' 'no, have you?' 'no.' 'I regret what happened,' 'yeah, me too.'It will NEVER happen again, I am not ven attracyed to him and did not really enjoy the experience. I have no intention on cheating with him, or anyone else again.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2011): Hi jonas, Im the OP, thanks for your answer. I the only person who knows is my mum cos she is the only person I trust. Thanks for making me realise i am being paranoid. It was just the one night we were very intimate with eachother but no intercourse. There was no texting ,calling, we dont even have eachothers numbers!
I feel terrible about it, I'm not a natural cheater and i know that this does not make it okay, but me and my bf were going through a horrible time and he wanted to break up with me. We're still togther.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2011): Thanks guys, most of the answers have really helped! OP
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (25 August 2011):
People are not defined by the mistakes they make, or by the fact that they made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes. It is how we responde to our mistakes that defines us. It is a good idea to use the mistakes you make in your life as a learning lesson, to help you to be the person you really want to be.
You don't sound like the kind of person who would make this same mistake again, but that isn't the only lesson to be learned. Part of the lesson is learning how to respond to your mistakes. Is feeling guilty and terrible helping you be who you are? Most likely you are being too hard on yourself, and feel like you deserve to put youself down, where that isn't really necessary.
You were simply doing the best you could to manage your loneliness and feelings of vulnerability at a time when things were really difficult for you. You did something which you thought might make things feel better, and they haven't. You can learn from that as I am sure you have, but you don't need to be to hard on yourself. Accept that you were struggling at that time, and simply use the experience to help you make future choices which will make things better for you, and help you to support yourself when things are hard.
Learning to be kind to ourselves is often a subtle lesson, as is learning to accept and acknowledge our mistakes.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2011): The wives almost always find out somehow.
Don't be surprised when it happens.
The men don't want to tell them usually, but they end up finding out somehow.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2011): I disagree with the previous poster. I think it is highly unlikely this married man will tell his wife. You offered a temptation he couldn't resist (and vice versa) and you both now regret it. He's probably relying on your silence as much as you're relying on his. Why would he volunteer this information to his wife and risk damaging a relationship over something like that? That would be crazy ... not only given what his wife would then think of him (or do to him!) but also what his kids would think of him. Keep silent and no-one is hurt ... there's then just the self-guilt aspect.On that subject you come across to me as a good person who was 'caught out' at a low point in your life. Your BF had finished with you and you had a want to be wanted ... here was a man who did that and, well, it perhaps went a bit further than you now would have wished for but your age puts you in your late 30s and you haven't done this before so you're not exactly some serial one night stander for goodness sakes!You feel guilt because you're now back with your BF and because you're basically a good faithfull person where this has come as a surprise.Do not worry about the married man - he will not tell his wife; nor certainly will you. Do not tell your boyfriend about this and do not beat yourself up about it. Use it instead as a lesson and remind yourself of it in a gentle way simply to love your boyfriend 'more' and ensure you do not have any 'silly' breakups again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2011): Hi I'm the OP. Why is it likely that he will tell his wife??!! You say don't feel guilty then say a cheater is a cheater - I cheated too!! Your answer has not helped at all!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2011): Don't feel guilty. There is something wrong in their relationship which is not your fault. If he didn't do it with you, he would have found another woman. A cheater is a cheater, it's just a matter of time.
Of course it's likely that he will tell his wife, I wouldn't worry about it though. Plus if he has any sense of discretion he won't tell her that it was with you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2011): First of all, you were probably not his 'first' more than likely he does oNS everytime his wife is away.And no, he wont tell his wife, because that would mean that he admits to being a liar and a cheat.Ok, so that now leaves you, were you aware that he was married when you had your ONS? If you were, then you need to rethink your morals. Sleeping with someone else's husband is not right. Imagine if you were the one whos husband had had a ONS? How would you feel?If you had no idea he was married, use this as a lesson, dont do ONS no matter what the reason. You say that you have resolved problems with your bf - no you havent - they have just been swept under the rug because you are feeling guilty about your actions.Sorry I am so harsh but this is the real world.
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