A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I used porn which led to massage which led to prostitution which led to a lot of prostitution. Same story told many times over.I was caught and there is a school of thought that I wanted that to happen. I brought a prostitute to our apartment and there were hand prints on the bed. The rest as they say is history.Actually, I would never have cheated emotionally on my wife. I was in situations where I could have developed an ongoing thing with a prostitute but always backed off because somehow this infringed my marriage commitment whereas the "quick fix" seemed necessary to keep me right.I absolutely needed sex - I could not control it. I told my therapist the other day and its true. I once drove the whole way to Tijuana to get girls and then drove back. It is a serious problem.We have a one year old child and I am caught in this mess of feeling such love and a bond but my actions demonstrate such incredible lack of respect and irresponsibility.My wife decided that she could not be with me because she would "always be looking over her shoulder". After her finding out, a massive journey of discovery started and I started coming to terms with my problems. She started to come around to the idea that there might be a future but at the same time would flip out and kick me out of the apartment, right me legally threatening letters or tell me it was over or that she never wanted to see me again.My reaction and being driven by the addiction was to pursue other women which I now did online trying to escape prostitution and vice. After she told me it was over I met another women. All this time I was trying to keep the wheels on our marriage by teller my wife that I wanted a future even though in secret my actions were completely heading the opposite way.She left town for a week and on very bad terms kicking me out and telling me she never wanted to see me again. That night a girl texted me and asked me out for a drink. F***in right I wanted a drink. I brought her back to the apartment and my wife had the doormen primed to call her and let her know. The sh** hit the fan.Now it is really over.So what am I asking? Who am I? Listen, I know there will be a barrage of hate mail coming but really I would love some constructive input.The struggle is one of what you know you should do and what you want. I don't think its as easy as saying "you are selfish". There are much deeper forces at work than just selfishness. I wanted to get caught the first time and I wanted to get caught the second.Here is the question, if I go off and reevaluate my life, go to SRA, see counselors constantly, build balance, respect and healthiness into my life will I be in a position to return to her in a years time and say "shall we go forward". Don't get me wrong, in the meantime we are separating and we will be separate till then.Any wisdom to be applied to this mess would be appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2008): Hey man, think about this.Everyone is different. Everyone is unique. So that does not mean that what is good for everyone is good for you, and what is good for you is good for everyone else... You might have a problem, or you might just be who you are. Did you think about that? Maybe there is nothing wrong with you at all, other than the fact that you think there is something wrong with you.Now, I dont agree with your actions, and I think that you cheating on your wife with prostitutes is probably very stupid and foolish. But maybe the reason you continued to do it is because its part of what you need in life (variety), and not a monogamous relationship.Maybe instead of going to therapy and trying to force yourself to have a change of thinking and desire, you seek a relationship with a woman who is on the same terms as you. An open relationship, something that allows you to have the partner you seek, but multiple sexual partners. Or maybe you stay single, and just bone all the women you want.The only reason I would say to go to therapy is if you really do want to have a monogamous relationship and cant. But you should not do it unless you really seriously only want to be with one person, otherwise you are only fooling yourself.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHere is some more information about a past issue that I think might be affecting me:
By the way, I am an Olympian and serial entrepreneur so whatever mess there is in there I am certainly motivated and driven!
When I was about 19 I had a born again experience and got very involved in a charismatic church. The commitment was huge and my goal was to talk to everyone I met about my conversion. At University I became a national legend for organizing "missions" using huge nightclubs and parking massive marquis (tents) on the lawn of the student union.
I was brought into a local church after my degree and continued running soup kitchens for homeless and drug addicts, running youth groups for kids from the tough area we were in and organising constant outreach.
I began to notice that I felt I was running on 1 or 2 cylinders in stead of 4. I mentioned this to the pastor who said it was probably nothing. I kept going. I was involved in a local university mission and met one of my old mentors - a great preacher and missionary. That was my "grounding". He told me I was completely burned out and had to stop everything right now.
Overnight I went from a goal of talking to everyone I met about Christ and believing that he would give me strength to being actually unable to talk to a single other person about God nor do anything else in the way of giving to others.
I scrambled to get a job and was promptly fired due to having panic attacks over the slightest pressure. Ended up heading home and recuperating. The Olympics and business success happened years later.
I have never come to terms with the "why" of all this. Understand that all I lived for suddenly was taken away in that I physically and mentally could not at all do what I had been doing any more.
Years later I was doing some hypnosis for an issue related to sport and it uncovered an issue that just gave itself the name scar. I can still picture it in my mind/ subconscious - it was a black festering large gaping wound, open and sore. I never really got to the bottom of what it was etc.
This is part of my history that might help this clearly learned community help me with what to do next.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2008): It takes a strong woman to stand by her man while he recovers from sexual addiction, I couldn't say if she is such a woman.
You have taken the first step in becoming well, you have admitted you have a problem, congratulations on taking that first step.
What you need to do now is to get in a program for sexual addiction, you need to do this for YOU...weather your wife comes back or not is irrelevant. Sexual addiction is a hard thing to overcome and even if you quit cold turkey, you still aren't healed, you need counseling to recover.
Most addictions are a form of self-medication, a way to avoid feelings we can't deal with. Sexual addiction is self-perpetuating in that it produces shame which you try to escape with, you guessed it, more sexual acting out.
I would get into a program and let your wife know you are actively seeking help, but don't ask her back right away. Recovery is hard work and you will need to spend as much time and energy in healing as you have in acting out.
There is an on-line support group that is helpful but doesn't quite cover the scope of your use npsupport.net There you will find men that are in various stages of recovery and they have many useful tools and tips to get you going in the right direction.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008): You said it yourself that you are struggling with what you "should" do and what you want to do.
My guess is that you came from a very judgmental background where the word "should" was thrown around like the bible. "Should" is a normative word. That just means that when someone says "you 'should' do this or that..." there is no truth to it, its just someone's OPINION. I hate the word "should" and I HATE when people use it. I find it very ignorant.
My guess is that you came from a very religious and or conservative background?? The problem with growing up in backgrounds like these is that they teach you ALOT about keeping up appearances but nothing about how to truly be a good person. You could ask, "what if I'm gay?" They would say, doesn't matter, you need to repress it and endorse our way of life, and ACT like you are straight. And in trying to keep up appearances you never know what's TRULY important in life. You end up living a double life and hurting others and yourself in the process.
I wasn't raised to keep up appearances, really. The most important values my mom taught me were, to not hurt others, to not lie, to be righteous, to be educated, and she was very adamant that karma is very real. She wouldn't be mad if I was gay. But she would be furious and disappointed if I were out lying and cheating and hurting others.
I bet you were raised completely oppposite to me. You were raised to keep up appearances. You need to be married, you need to vote republican, you need to be straight, blah blah, it doesn't matter who you hurt in the process. Nobody ever instilled in you the importance of being true to yourself and being true to others even if it means taking the path less travelled. I am sure you have been lying your entire life, and nobody has reprimanded you for it. Someone doesn't just become this way in their 30's. This is an issue you've had your whole life because you have never had anyone step in and smack you and teach you the RIGHT way. Being married and having alot of possessions doesn't make you a good person if you are always hurting others. But nobody ever taught you that.
Honestly, if I were you, I would try to reshape the way you view the world by continuing the therapy and maybe getting involved in a spiritual group and surrounding yourself by righteous intelligent people.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks "team" for the advice so far. It is nice to hear understanding and heart felt voices from truly independent sources. I hear you all and thank you for your input.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008): You need to seek help immediately, not so much for your wife, but for yourself. You are still relatively young and have at least ½ of your life remaining. Whether you get your wife back is important, but not as important as helping you to live what most people would consider a normal life. If you do not solve your problem then it is unlikely that you will ever be able to have a successful relationship.
Perhaps you are making excuses, but sometimes it takes a swift kick in the pants for a person to be able to admit that they are doing something wrong. Your wife gave you that swift kick. My wife did the same when she left me after 11 years of marriage. I couldn’t face my problems until I got that swift kick. My problem was not the same as yours, but it was bad enough for her to leave me. I went to counseling some, but sitting home and crying for 2 months when I was not at work and reflecting on what a poor husband I had been was what did it for me. I didn’t date anyone for 6 months and my wife even wanted to get back with me after about a year. I felt there was too much hurt between us and didn’t think it was a good idea. I was about your age, but we had no children. If we had, I would have made an effort to get back with her because of the children.
As pepper27 said, you have deep rooted problems causing this. You probably have no idea what they are. A good counselor can help you bring out those problems so that you can then attack the root of your problem instead of just trying to attack the prostitution issue. Seek help and reflect on what you have been doing. Discover why you did what you did and not just how to stop it. Without knowing the why it will be difficult to just stop. Not impossible, but much more difficult. Believe me when I tell you that truly admitting that you have a problem to yourself is a necessary part of the battle.
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A
female
reader, pepper27  +, writes (6 July 2008):
 You dont love or care about yourself, Some would say you care only about yourself but I believe there are deep rooted problems that you have never probably faced that have nothing to do with women, The women are feelings of wanting needing lusting touching on your very heart that is frozen and what is it that canot unfreeze this heart of yours sweetheart..Your crying out for help, you need someone to understand you, But first you must understand yourself and your feeling deep within...sex is sex love can give fear, fear of loosing so you go out of your way to push the very thing you love away so you dont have fear anymore the fear of loss..Family loss...maybe, Then maybe Im wrong WITH LOVE AND PRAYERS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008): You seem out of control, and that you can't stop yourself when it comes to sex. You just HAVE to have it.
I'm glad you brought up consuelling and SRA (etc, etc). I think it would help. It might take more than one session, and give it a chance. It can change your life.
I suggest that you try and get hold of your wife and say that you are seeking the consuelling to try and change your life (your meaning, you). I suggest that you make it clear that if you don't manage to change your life you will understand her leaving you but beg for that chance from her.
To be honest its got that point with her, and to be honest, you have cheated on her. That is however in the past and you can't change that. Just imagine how she feels though. You need to do this for her and your child.
But answering your question, even though the answer is vague, is yes this will help you.
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