A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for less than a year, and have a baby. Got married when I was expecting. I cheated on my husband with this man, before we got married. It was at a time when I was very dipresesed cos of my husband’s abusive treatment. I continued the cheating even when things were almost okay between us. The guy I cheated on is they type I would never dream of being with in public. He is embarrassing, but made me feel good at that time. I was sleeping with both my now hubby and him. I got pregnant. To be honest, am not sure who the father is, but more likely this guy I cheated with. I told my now husband I was expecting his baby, and he decided to marry me. I told this guy I was getting married. Now he is haunting me, saying he wants his baby. That my husband has stolen his baby. Am so confused. I told him its not his but he insists. If my husband ever finds out about this, it will be the end of my marriage and support for the child, whom he so much loves. I want my child to grow in a normal home with dady and momy. This man does not have a penny on him to even buy a nappy for this baby, literely. He is a dependent and jobless. If it turns out that its his baby, I will be the one to single handedly raise the child cos he has no capacity, and taking him to court for maintenance will be a waste of time. I told him that for the sake of the child, let him put everything behind, and he could do a DNA when the child is old cos for now, the child will be the one to suffer as she will have no loving stable home. He knew I was cheating and I clearly told him I was planning to marry my now hubby. DNA in my country needs a court order. He told me if I could just admit its his baby, he will leave me alone and never tell anyone, but cant trust him, in case he starts using blackmail. I know I was stupid, but am stuck now and having sleepless nights. What do I do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionits been close to 10 months after this incidence. the marriage is almost okay now. am expecting another child. my ex has been quiet, especially after he heard i was expecting. i suspect he is scared of responsibility if he comfronts me or my husband about the child because, after all my hubby will be having a baby of his own soon, and would not bother to fight for his child if he asked for her. my hubby also completely stoped spending a dime on the baby, as promised. he treats her well though. it hurts me that he cannot even buy her diapers or milk, even though a part of her is from me, HIS WIFE. i earn more than him, but i appreciate little presents for my kid from him. this has made me bitter, and am trying not to make it affect our marriage.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni told my husband. its been alot of tears. am shocked he still thinks we could make it work. just feel bad that he will not be able to love my baby the way he did. the other guy wants nothing to do with it. i txt him that i confessed to hubby, tried calling him but he is no where to be seen. he is scared of financial responsibility. my husband says he will not provide any financial support, but he will try to love the baby again. he also says i need to get pregnant as soon as i possibly can cos he needs a baby as he feels his baby has been robbed off. just want to completely cut off my ex. he will just be an emotional bother. i need more time to think best way forward. we are thinking of keeping it from his family for a while, but letting my parents know cos his family would definately separate us if they got to know. still thinking...
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2012): I am glad you finally decided to tell your husband the truth.
Dont wait for the ex lover to get a paternity test done, YOU and your husband do this. Sooner rather than later.
By telling your hb about the ex lover and the possiblity that the kid is not his, means that you do have a conscious after all. And That Is A Good Thing!
LoveGirl
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni have finally decided to tell my husband tonight. i asked my ex to have DNA, but he is refusing. he says its not neccesary, but he keeps bothering me that its his child and wants me to accept it. i told him to sue me if he thinks am stealing his child, but he still keeps refusing. i think he is scared of DNA cos he cant afford it, and that if it turns out its not his child, he will 'lose the grip' on me. he is also scared to sue me cos that goes with maintenance and he has no single penny to do for the child, and has no home to take her to for weekends.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2012): OP I am actually so dumbstruck by your callous attitude. You have no concept of right vs wrong. I have read and reread your comments and your updates: you are really a piece of work. I agree with Hugh.J: your deceitful ways will be found out, to say the least. OP your concerns should not be the ex lover but it should be your husband. You admitted that you are using your husband :you are milking him to pay for your and your kids existence. You are nothing but a user. I have no sympathy for you because your actions are cold:it is deliberate: it is conniving: it is manipulative. You deliberately chose your husband to take care of a seed that is NOT his. I've got news for you: you may think that your deep dark secret is safe but babes a day days rougue does get caught. Your husband and your family and friends will find out this stink and then what will you do? You may want to hide the truth but as your Kid grows people will know. You may believe that everyone around you is stupid but believe me, they are not.The majority of the aunts have told you to come clean with the truth. But sadly you won't. You do not have the ability to do what is right because you have latched onto your husband to provide for you and the kid. OP I want you to go search a current post (approx 2 weeks old) where the OP sought help because she was sexually abused by her "father". Her "dad" found out that she was NOT his child and started to sexually abuse her. His friends did the same as well. This is a reality Dear OP, more and more sex crime victims have revealed that their Dad started abusing them once they find out that the woman lied to them about parentage: making them believe that the kid was theirs. The revenge is abusing the Kid. This is horrifying and on the increase. OP I am Not saying that your husband will do anything like this BUT know that a boy or girl is then fair game as revenge. So OP if it does happen in the future know that you are to blame. So kiddo, I am forewarning you. You are playing with fire!!! And that Kid will end up as a victim one way or another Because Of YOU. Am I trying to scare you. No. What I am trying to do is to make you aware of false parenthood issues. This is on the increase and I fully blame women like you who hoodwink me into believing that they are the fathers when they are not.OP yes NOW you don't want the lover anywhere near you because he is not working, he is "beneath" you socially. He is now scum right??? Well then get off your backside and do something about it before he enforces his father rights and takes your kid away for weekends etc. You won't know what will happen to the kid. Its time you stopped being selfish and conniving. Think about your kids wellbeing. Its time to have that heart to heart talk with your husband. Tell him about your affair. Tell him the kid is NOT his. Allow him to make the decision whether he still wants you in his life. If he chooses to then great. If not then get out and provide for your kid. Start making provisions to take care of your kid. You can do it: you are healthy: you can work and earn money for your upkeep. You may not have a lot but at least you will regain your dignity and self worth. OP you hold the key. Be wise and become the person your kid will be proud of. Start with the truth. After a while you can get your life together. Your husband deserves the truth. YOU need to do what is right.OP I implore you, the consequences of hoodwinking your husband is sooo great. Don't think you can get away with it for much longer.LoveGirl
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reader, Hugh.J  +, writes (26 June 2012):
 You STILL don't understand how bad you have been, do you? You connived, cheated and now are trying to choose the best option.
You have no right to have a choice; own up and let your husband choose what he wants to do as an informed decision, not as a result of your further cheating by concealing information.
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reader, BondGirl72  +, writes (26 June 2012):
 In that case then, you really need to talk with your husband about this. I would want to protect my child and relationship with my husband as much as possible regardless of who the father is. I also agree that you could have the DNA test done privately, and if you can, don't communicate with the other guy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the advice. just to add on. the idea of my ex demanding the child seems not to be for the interest of the child, but wanting to have me and my husband break up. he has another child whom he has neglected, and never bothers about him because he is a burden to him and the mother to the child is equally jobless. i wonder why he could feel he so much needs this one. is it because he sees that am capable to taking care of the child without needing anybody's suport? to me it looks like he is more interested in being associated with me and the child than anything else.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2012): You said there's a chance of the kid being your husband's right? Can't you pay to have the DNA exam made privately? No matter what don't say to the ex-lover that the child is his, and tell him if tells your husband he'll be the one who'll have to pay for child support ( maybe that could scare him? in some countries if a man does not pay child support he's arrested...) once your husband has found out he's not the father he has no obligation to pay anything for this child and yeah that would really fall on your shoulders so instead of whine here why don't you start looking for ways to support her and yourself in case you don't already work.
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reader, twilchic +, writes (25 June 2012):
I would be honest and tell your husband. You say your husband has bonded with the baby? DNA is not important its the person who sticks around cares and nurtures the child who the child will call dad.
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reader, Hugh.J +, writes (25 June 2012):
You WILL be found out, and quite rightly too - you have behaved appallingly, and fraudulently too. In most countries, deceiving someone into thinking he fathered your child and allowing him to support the child financially for a number of years is fraud and he could sue you for all the monies he has paid out on the child.Why do you think it is fair to deceive him in this way? You must do the honourable thing and if it transpires that it is the other man's child after all, refund your husband his contributions and walk away.
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reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (25 June 2012):
This situation will escalate until someone else tells your husband. It's best YOU tell him first. The only other thing you could do is get a DNA test without either of the men knowing and then decide what you want to do. However, at some point this is likely to all come out, so I would have a very frank discussion with your husband. You said one thing that concerns me though. You said you slept with the other man when your husband was being abusive. I wonder why you would go ahead and marry this man if you were in an abusive situation. Also, if you believe he could be abusive towards you when you tell him this information, you may want to have your family ready to help support you if necessary. Also, put yourself in the place of your child. Don't you want him/her to know who the real father is? These are just some things to think about before you decide what to do.
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reader, Starlights +, writes (25 June 2012):
 I'm sorry to say but the truth comes out eventually.
Talking from experience, i know of someone who did the same thing; and eventually her daughter was 25 before she learnt about who her real father was -and when she met him, they had missed out on 25 years together , so there was no/little bond.
You made a mistake and now the potential father has come forward wanted to claim the baby; (he has every right to get to know his child if it is HIS) ,
you have no choice but to get a dna test and come out with the truth
or you risk carrying this burden on your shoulders all your life.
The truth does come out eventually so its upto you to decide how you want it to unfold; there are NO easy options in this.
Goodluck.
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