A
male
age
41-50,
*ncle_J
writes:My fiancé and I have been together for about 13 months. 6 months ago we separated for a few days and I slept with three different woman trying to ease my suffering at the time. one of them was my ex who was always a worry of hers, one random stray from a bar and another was a girl who I ended up having an affair with for near two months.I only did this because i was so confused and scared of the sickness I felt when we broke up. After we got back together things weren't the same and it wasn't looking good at all for us at the time. After about two months of having this affair I made my decision to stay with my GF and let the other girl go.A few months later I engaged my GF and we're about to get married but I'm still having issues with not telling her what I've done. I want to but am afraid of the consequences. Her leaving or maybe getting even. not to mention how bad this will probably kill her as her worse fear is me going back to my ex. I question a few nights that she spent when we first got together and it's possible that she may come clean on something which would even it up and it would just pass from there on...My problem is that I'm a moral type of person overall and marrying someone with lies or skeletons doesn't seem moral to me, it feels like I'm about to create a house with a lie as the foundation.I don't want random inexperienced replies, I'm looking for actual experience in a situation like this.Would you share your experience with me?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (14 June 2007):
 "You say my ego is in control yet it's my insecurities that truly rule me."
Exactly. One's ego is the root of most insecurity.
A way to see your ego is as the spoiled child inside that always wants to look good, blame others, and hates being criticized. The thing the ego is most scared of is being seen directly for what it is: selfish.
Well, ones ego is that way if we're veering towards insecure, which most of us are in some way or another.
There is a very big difference between identifying negative tendencies in ourselves and blaming our circumstances (ie not being accountable for our actions), and taking accountability for our behaviour despite our instincts.
A
male
reader, Uncle_J +, writes (14 June 2007):
Uncle_J is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou say my ego is in control yet it's my insecurities that truly rule me.
To fully understand my situation you're going to have to know my background story. My story is unique and posting publicly would pose a serious threat to exposing my indentity which potentially could ruin my life.
So, if anyone is interested in knowing the background story shoot my an IM and I'll send it to you...The maybe your advice can be directed to the true nature of my struggles.
Uncle_J
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (30 May 2007):
I think you are letting yourself off the hook by using excuses like 'temporary insanity' and that it was her 'blow' to you that caused it. You need to take direct accountability for your own actions, you are responsible for your actions, and no one else. You cheated. You chose to cheat. It was not her fault.
If you decide to tell her, at the very least you need to accept this. Otherwise you'll end up trying to blame her and that will end up destroying your relationship.
Being moral means being honest, and honesty starts with honesty to yourself. Your ego is clearly in control here, not your conscience.
Good luck to you.
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A
male
reader, Uncle_J +, writes (29 May 2007):
Uncle_J is verified as being by the original poster of the question At that time I was experiencing temporary insanity...To cheat wasn't a conscious decision. It took me those two months to get my mind back from the blow she had thrown me originally.
Thanks for the good wishes...
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (29 May 2007):
 "Stina - You don't know me hun..." I don't have to know you to have an opinion that having an affair is not a moral decision.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Uncle_J +, writes (29 May 2007):
Uncle_J is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe whole story would have to be told for you to give a proper answer to my question. I just spent three hours writing the story out. It's 7 pages long in word at 10pt font but it would potencially incriminate me because it has to be specific, therefore i'm not going to post it.
FYI - I decided not to tell
Having skelitons gives one a personal satisfaction of safety. Ammunition in the case of a hard battle one day. Like popeyes spinach, it serves to get me through potential hard times in the future.
Last but not least I decided that sharing this information with her would make her feel terrible, it would ease my craving to tell her, sure, but it would in turn make me feel 100 X's worse in the end. Kinda like having sex with a hot girl you know has HIV. You'll get the instant gratification from it, sure, but you'll pay for it with the rest of your life = Not worth it...
Thanks for your replies...
Stina - You don't know me hun, you havn't experianced what I have. I can't share the story with you so you'll have to take my word when I say that I am a moral person and that I done the best I could with what I was given at the time.
Wish me luck, as I hope My logic is sound and that my decisions are for the better of us both. If I'm wrong and am truly making a mistake, I will learn eventually and I'll add it to my big bag of lessons learned the hard way. But for right now, I see my current actions as being the best choices possible for me and her alike.
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A
female
reader, ***cgirl  +, writes (26 May 2007):
hii..
i see your problem...she needs to know this if she finds out from someone else she wont trust u anymore...if u dunt want to lose her u have to tell her and come clean...but if u do this after u get marrried it might be better cause theres a better chance she will stay with u....but she might lose her trust in u too..
**best of luck and i hope this works out for the best
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A
female
reader, ***cgirl +, writes (26 May 2007):
hii..
i see your problem...she needs to know this if she finds out from someone else she wont trust u anymore...if u dunt want to lose her u have to tell her and come clean...but if u do this after u get marrried it might be better cause theres a better chance she will stay with u....but she might lose her trust in u too..
**best of luck and i hope this works out for the best
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A
female
reader, batman +, writes (26 May 2007):
 actually this might not help cuz im just like 11 yrz. old but i personally think that u shud tell her cuz if u don't then it will be a big secret and it will "hang over" u 4 like as long as u don't tell her but if u do tell her then don't be surprised if she iz really pissed off at u! if she breaks the maraige thing then ur lost but 4 real it MIGHT be better if u tell her now!
if this don't help sorry, cuz
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2007): The bottom line is you must tell her, tell her exactly what happened be honest with her, communication and honesty is the key to good relationships which later lead to long lasting marriages. If you love her like you said you have to tell her. Ive watched many friends of mine make your same mistake.
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (25 May 2007):
Uncle J,I just went and looked back at one of your previous questions: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/can-a-born-again-christian-and-an-aethiest.htmlIt seems like you question telling your fiance the truth an awful lot. Remember - like I always say...like many of us always say - communication is key. You need to be able to be honest with one another or the relationship will fall apart.Look, you two have been together for barely over a year. Why is there a rush to get married? It seems to me that you both need to slow down and keep being together. There's no reason you cannot be with one another and enjoy it. This will give you time to get to know each other better and to stop wondering if you should keep things from your fiance. If you really loved her, then you would have no questions about honesty and communication.I hope that you were able to come clean about being an atheist. Because if you get married and pretend to go along with it, as you said in your other question, then there is already going to be problems in your marriage aside from the affair you are asking about here.Think about what's best for the both of you. Waiting to get married is not a bad thing, it's the best thing you can do in my opinion.
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (25 May 2007):
Hello Uncle J,
"I only did this because i was so confused and scared of the sickness I felt when we broke up." Do not make excuses for yourself, especially when speaking with your fiance. If you couldn't handle the situation, the best thing to do would have been to talk to someone. I think you need to give yourself some time to figure out how you're going to react if problems occur in your relationship in the future. Because everytime there's a rocky patch you can't go sleeping around and having affairs. I'm not sure you know this because of this one line you wrote... I'm not saying this to be a jerk, I really think this is something that you have to think about. What if problems like the one you went through happen in the future? How will you handle it?
"My problem is that I'm a moral type of person overall..." Are you? I believe that's what you *want* to be, but a person of morals does not do the things you've done. I'm not trying to rub it in your face, I want you to realize that it's probably best for *you* - not just your fiance - to wait on such a huge committment. At least, that's my opinion. Do you think you're ready to get married? There's no right or wrong answer here. It's just something that you really need to think long and hard about. Weddings can always be postponed.
I think the right thing to do is to let her choose to be with someone who slept with three other women (and even continued a relationship with one) or not. The person she chose to be with is not you, it is the person who you were pretending to be: a committed partner who respected his relationship, his fiance and himself. You may think you are, but is it actually respectful to your fiance to hide an affair that lasted two months? If the tables were turned, would you think your fiance respected you if she were hiding an affair? Do you think she would respect the relationship itself if she had an affair?
But more importantly than anything I've written, I think that she should be informed so that she can be tested for any std's. Who knows what the "stray" from the bar could have had? Same goes for the other two women... You should get yourself checked out, as well, because not all std's have visible symptoms. How awful would it be to pass on something to your fiance that you didn't even know you had? What if she were to become infertile or worse?
Sorry that this is a "random reply," but those can be just as valuable as hearing someone else's experience. Any my experience with hearing other's experiences is that everyone is different. Too many details are different. The people's personalities are different. My point is that listening to someone else's story will not necessarily help you out.
Besides, it already seems like you know what you must do...
Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2007): Ok this is a very tricky one, I have been on both sides of this situation. I think you just have to do what you think is right for you and by the sounds of it you already know what that is. I think if you can live with it then do so but if your guilt ridden then you’re only going to subconsciously destroy your relationship and forever be paranoid that she’s found out. Personally I would always want to know the truth no matter now much it hurt, the worst thing is not knowing. Obviously she’ll be very hurt and you might even lose her so think of something you can do to prove your love to her, like giving something up or getting rid of anything to do with your ex (if you haven’t already done so.) She'll probably need so give her space afterwards but show her you chose her and you’ll do anything for her. Good luck what ever you do.
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A
female
reader, Midge  +, writes (25 May 2007):
 From experience, I can honestly say that telling her is the best thing. It will be the hardest thing you will have to do, but it will be the best.
I was cheated on by an ex for almost three months. When I eventually found out, I was more upset that he didnt tell me than what he had actually done. Had he told me at the time, I would have perhaps been angry, but I probably would have dealt with his infidelity and tried to understand why it happened and better things for us. Instead I landed up finding out by a friend of mine. That hurt me even more than you can imagine.
Imagine how you would feel finding out at a later stage that you wife cheated on you while you were together and you found out by a friend. You would be gutted! Hurt, betrayed, lied to.
Then imagine how you would feel having your fiance tell you in a loving manner how they made the biggest mistake of their life, how they love you and they want to tell you something that will be hard to swallow, but they love you enough to be honest with you. They then tell you how they made an error in judgement etc. They love you but dont want to have any secrets from you.
As you say, there is nothing worse than building a relationship on a lie. It is hard to live with to start, but the fact that you could bump into any of these people at any time will be difficult to say the least.
If you want a chance at this relationship you have to tell her. Otherwise you have to live with this on your concience and with the fact that she may find out later and it will only put off the inevitable of a complete break up rather than her being angry, upset and hurt for a while, but then perhaps loving you enough to give you a second chance.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (25 May 2007):
Who are you really helping by telling her? Are you helping her? Or are you helping yourself by unburdening your guilt?
You have to ask yourself if the relief you'll (perhaps) find will be worth the pain she has to endure. The 'moral' choice isn't necessarily just to come clean.
You've already 'created the house with the lie as a foundation'. It's up to you to build the rest of the house strongly enough to stand up. You can do that by remaining faithful and loving towards your fiancee.
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