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male
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anonymous
writes: This might be a long read, sorry about that, I hope Irish could advice on this, you seem like a very intelligent and mature woman.I'm a 25 year old male and I've quite recently messed up completely (like so many other stupid stupid men). Three days ago I cheated on my girlfriend over 3 years (lived together for 2), it was at a party, with some girl from school I have no feelings for but still also managed to kiss one unfortunate night 2 months ago. That first incident I told my gf about, and she forgave me. This second one I am quite certain she will not forgive, and I'm not sure if I would want her to, she deserves better and shouldnt have to. I've never been more ashamed or disappointed in myself in my life.I'm at a complete loss as to what I should do now. She made me promise the last time that if anything ever happened I would tell her about it, but I really dont want to hurt her with this if I can avoid it. I know it would devastate her, perhaps destroying the self confidence she's struggeled so hard to improve these last three years, and have had trouble with all her life. I don't think she will find out about the incident, it's possible but not all that probable. In two months we're supposed to move into a new rented flat together, and I'm now very unsure of what I want. I actually think I'd feel relieved if she cheated on me (not going to happen) or if she broke up with me for whatever reason (not very likely) and never found out of my deceit.If however I don't tell and our relationship holds I'm not sure if I can live with myself always knowing what I did and the double betrayal of not admitting it, thus never giving her the chance to end the relationship over it if she wanted to.So... what should I do? Please advise, I will read all advices and consider. As I see it I have three options:1. Dont tell and go on like nothing happened, but since the relationship is struggling try to look for a way out of it in the coming two months that is far less hurting on her feelings. (I think this is the one I am going for now, but my stomach is in a constant knot and my head hurts, don't know if I can hold this up much longer)2. Don't tell and go on like nothing happened, and try to mend things in the relationship in the coming two months.3. Tell, let her decide what to do next. Probably it will be a nasty breakup, most so for her I'm afraid, and I will volunteer to move out until we can both find new flats.Thanks in advance.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2005): I'm going to be the bad guy here. I'm not sure where you're from, what your upbringing is, what values you were raised with, or the same for your gf. But...
Despite what you see on television, what you think you see in the bars, or what kind of social circle you're surrounded by -- you don't get many chances to find the right one. From one guy to another, search yourself, search your past experiences, search your past relationships, and try to see your life outside of your current situation. Now. If she is the most special thing that has ever happened to you -- don't tell her. I've never lost anyone by cheating, but I have lost people I loved for different reasons.
Something that is real and true in your mind and in your emotions isn't worth losing over a lapse in judgement. Only you know whether it was a temporary lapse or not. If she's not the one, set her free in the least hurtful way for her. If not, hold on.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2005): Trust and respect are the building blocks of all committed relationships. So when you decieved and cheated on your beloved, you are giving her much-needed information about whether or not she can ever trust you, again. It does say a lot to her about your character and your values. She may forgive you...she may not. You will not know until you sit her down and tell her. But from a woman's standpoint, I can tell you it will not be easy for her. Because by telling her-she'll feel angry, disappointed, used and foolish. I think you need to do some soul-searching and try to understand why you did this to her. My guess is-perhaps you really don't love your gf? or-perhaps you are addicted to the feeling you get when you feel desired by another woman other than your gf? or-perhaps you are afraid of losing your sex appeal and find a committed relationship too constraining? Whatever your reasons, you betrayed yourself before you betrayed your gf. Simply because you were afraid of facing the truth about who you really are, what you want, and your feelings about this life you created with your gf. That is what made you cheat-your uncertainties. My advice is: tell her and then be prepared to watch her walk away. You are at high risk for losing her and who can blame her? The sad things about all this is it was 'so' unecessary. My heart goes out to your gf, because she ultimately could suffer a biggest loss over this-probably even more so than you. She'll suffer her 'loss of a relationship with you', the loss of her ability to 'trust again' and perhaps the worst thing of all, the loss of trust in her own judgement. So the pain and sorrow for her will be more far reaching..than you could ever imagine. The most important thing your gf will have to realize, eventually, is that she'll have to trust herself, and accept herself once again, even is she's not always right in whatever she endeavors to do in her future. As hard as it will be, you need to take full responsibility and accountability and tell her, before your relationship goes any further. If she agrees to forgive you of this...you will have to work hard at earning her trust back again and it will take time because a hurtful heart does not mend over night..but it does mend, eventually. There is nothing wrong with her forgiving you and wanting to hang in there, with you. But if she does, I strongly suggest you do some serious work on yourself and learn from this experience. But if you don't think you can commit to her-allow her to move on, grieve and find happiness with someone she can trust. I wish you both well...and take care, dear
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2005): Don't tell her; do break up with her.
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A
female
reader, shania  +, writes (20 November 2005):
 I did read your letter very carefully and the way i see it is your looking for a way out,for a start u have cheated on your girlfriend twice,what does that tell you? You are going round in circles.You say that you wished she cheated on you,is that because it takes the guilt off you? Honesty,isnt always the best policy,what would you achieve by doing this? Now you do have several options,you can stick with her and hope that you wont cheat again or the second option is to walk away,just end the relationship and start again.I dont think you are still in love with her,i dont think you really want to move in with her,you are looking for a way out but your to scared to admit it.Face it,your heart isnt in this relationship,is it? Thats why you have cheated more then once.This relationship has run its course.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2005): Thanks for all answers. You make some good points here "male anonymous" and I've considered them myself. If we werent living together for two years allready it wouldnt be as hard, the relationship wouldnt be nearly as serious or committing.
Neither she nor the relationship is as bad as all that though, she is a fantastic girl and her issues with her self image has improved quite a bit over these 3 years. It was only one comment from someone she trusted that worsened it considerably 3.5 years ago though :/ I fear this will do the same or worse.
Bah, I'm such an idiot. Time will show I guess, I think I'll have to wait it out a week or so before I decide what to do. If I find I really want out I will do exactly what you outline, never tell her or anyone else and plead with the girl it happened with to make her forget it as well. If I want to go on I agree with the others here, I think I'll have to tell :|
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2005): Go with answer #3. It's your best bet. Your relationship with her might end but if you don't tell her it will weigh high on your conscience and you'll end up either pushing her away or making things worse for the two of you maybe not now but in the future.
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A
female
reader, iggyzap +, writes (20 November 2005):
sweetie from a womans point of view. i recomend you tell her the truth(that would show honesty and truth to your promise) and see where it leads from there. It may (probably ) wont be a pretty site but you have been honest and if she loves you truely she will take that into consideration and you have a chance to work things out but if you dont tell (trust me) it will eat you up inside and if she does find out on her own then i can garentee that that will be the end. but if you open up and talk to her and tell her why you did it ( is there something you are lacking in your relationship?)then she will be more likely to be willing to talk things out and work on things with you, but i know if i found out my bf was cheating i wouldnt give him the chance to explain because i would be too damn mad. so like i said bring it up first and just hope for the best sweetie. good luck!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2005): Come on. You cheated so you would have a way to get out of this relationship. Stop lying to yourself. There is something very wrong with the relationship with your gf, and you should not be moving into an apartment with her. End the relationship with her, but do it honestly, and don't burden her by telling her you cheated on her. I can't guess what is wrong with her, but you hint that she has been struggling with her own sense of self worth for the past 3 years. That can be very draining on any relationship, and on you. Its one thing to be someones cheerleader, and another to move into a permanent relationship with someone who needs constant reassurance as to her own self worth. She sounds like she needs professional help, that you can't give her. Wish her the best, but tell her you just don't have the feelings for her that you thought you did, and wanted to have. She deserves that from the man in her life, but you can't give that. Then walk away. Yes, she is going to be hurt, but think of how crushed she will be to learn that you cheated on her. She will begin to doubt her sexuality along with all the other self doubts she carries around. Don't do that to her. And, keep your mouth shut about it to other people. She doesn't need to hear about the cheating from others, either.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2005): When a person decides not to be honest with their significant other it shows just how much you respect them. Telling a truth such as this is never easy, but have faith that good can come out of it. You will learn lessons and so will she. The easiest way to think about this I think is....picture yourself as her in this situation....would you want to know? In my opinion, she is a living, breathing human being with more strength than you can imagine. She deserves to know because otherwise, the love she gives to you is not really unconditional. It is conditioned (in your mind) because she doesn't know the truth. Give her a chance and regardless of the outcome, know that the absolute truth in all things is the only basis for an intimate relationship.
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