A
female
age
41-50,
*aynat
writes:I have been in a very stable relationship with my boyfriend and we were supposed to get married end of January.I did something horrible and i cheated on him a few weeks before we got married and now he wont take me back.The truth is i love my boyfriend and he loved me so much and trusted me so much.I broke his heart.But i want my boyfriend back he is saying he cant take me back.He told me to write an email reassuring him that i have nothing to do with the other guy and he wants concrete evidence that i wont go back to the other guy.What should i write to him please help me.I cannot live without my boyfriend.I told him that time will tell and he says thats too common please please help me i am so down.I mis him so much i cry every night i cant eat.All i think about is him and whether he will take me back Reply to this Question
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male
reader, GrimmReality  +, writes (24 February 2013):
 Sadly, what you did is probably a deal breaker. However if you even want to have anywhere near a cahnce it would probably be advisable to send the OM (with your boyfriend's approval and his final approval on any version you send, and also in front of him) a no contact letter. Then delete the person from your life. Also probably being transparent and giving your Boyfriend access to your email passwords, social site Logins, phone passwords...Even then, he will always reserve the right to just up and one day say "you know, this is a deal breaker, we are done" and leave you.See actions speak louder than words. And even if it does not work out, it will give you at least a chance to show to yourself in the future that you are worthy of someone's trust. Ultimatums like he is proposing I do agree are next to impossible because we are humans and we can never say we will cheat again. Its just not a rational demand. Its like writing on a chalk board 500 times "I'll never cheat again". That is something that is nether helpful or honest. However, if you offer and carry through with complete transparency then by your actions eventually he may be able to feel like he can trust you again. Even if he does not ask for such transparency, offering it regardless of the outcome would be a huge first step.Good Luck:)
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2013): Lady, examine your mind and get your priorities straight because it appears you don't know why you do the things you do.
Now, if you can write n essay on the above and it is credible, you may have a chance.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (21 February 2013):
Do what YouWish says, it's really your only chance.
Let me rephrase that: there is no sure way to get him back. But begging, pleading, crying, reasoning, threatening, proving, WILL DEFINITELY NOT WORK. Your only chance is to follow her advice.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 February 2013):
 There's nothing you can do here. Writing a letter, proving yourself to him, pleading, begging, etc. are completely useless here, as there is nothing that can erase what happened and restore your relationship the way it was.
What he's really looking for is to emotionally punish you for what you did to him. You writing emails and grovelling help massage his wounded heart, but in the end, it's useless, as you can't make any promise to him that will do any good. You cannot do this because jumping through his hoops will add contempt and disgust for you from him.
He has to, on his own, decide that BOTH of you will work on rebuilding the relationship and spending time rebuilding trust. He's simply not there, and you can't say anything that will get him there. He may never get there. He has to decide for himself.
There really is only one way you have any sort of chance, and it's really a slim chance at best. You have to end this relationship. You heard me right. You have to end it with him. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. There's a slim chance that you leaving him will, in time, cause him to look fondly upon you and not be so moved by your cheating on him. It's a very long shot, but I never said you had a lot of a chance.
In your email, tell him that while you are not interested in ever seeing or communicating with this other guy again whether or not your boyfriend takes you back, you can't say any words that can give him the reassurance of what he wants, nor can stop him from obsessing over your betrayal of him. Tell him that your betrayal is the biggest regret of your life, and every day now, you feel only horror at yourself for having it in you to hurt the man you love.
Tell him that he deserves better than you, and that you should go your separate ways, because you can't give him what he wants. Wish him luck and tell him that you need to be alone in order to work on being honorable and loyal for yourself, and identify what it was that caused your weakness so that you can become stronger and not live a life of betrayal. Tell him that your actions in your relationship deserve that you should be alone and that he deserves someone who won't do what you did to him. You can't erase the past, but you can be stronger because of it.
Then, you simply let him go. The whole "I can't live without him" feeling needs to stop. Your relationship is over, and starving yourself and constantly crying means that you have learned NOTHING.
If you and he are meant to be, you need to spend time alone. You need to reboot your life. You need to decide in yourself that you can never cheat on another man as long as you live. You need to be comfortable in your own skin.
If he changes his mind, starts missing you, then you have to start all over again, square one. You'll have to get to know each other again, cautiously walking together.
Understand this -- it's highly likely that he'll never take you back, and it's impossible that he'll ever take you back if you keep writing how much you can't live without him, because that level of neediness is what caused you to cheat in the first place.
Seriously, end your relationship with him like I said, and whether or not he takes you back will become secondary to the fact that this awful lesson causes you to eventually become much better than you are now. You will find love again, either with him or with someone new. If it's with someone new, you'll know from this awful month that you can never repeat this page of your history.
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A
female
reader, faynat +, writes (21 February 2013):
faynat is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanx for the answers.Please please people answer my life depends on your answers.I need that kind of evidence please
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 February 2013):
 He's asking for the impossible just to make you jump through hoops.
He asks for a letter... what difference will a letter make vs you telling him? In addition what concrete evidence could you possibly have other than being attached to him physically 24/7.
No he's just trying to make you work hard so he can continue to say no and then have proof in writing that he can show his friends... "see how much she loves me, she's willing to do anything I ask"
Use this experience to learn a valuable lesson...
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (19 February 2013):
There's nothing you can give him that will prove what he's asking for. There is no magic words; you broke his heart and if he won't take you back so that your actions will prove you can be trusted, then there's not much else you can do about it.
For what it's worth, this feeling of not being able to live without him is not accurate; you feel this way because you're dealing with some powerful psychological factors: rejection and forgiveness.
I had a girlfriend cheat on me and I broke up with her even though I didn't want to. She begged and begged and promised and I finally took her back. A week later I found out that she'd spoken with the guy since then, maybe more. I was done with her and that time no amount of begging could make me want to be with her again because she had ruined the relationship.
I fear that you've also caused irreparable damage to yours as well. The best thing you can do here is stop contacting him in hopes that he will miss you and reconsider. You also need to ask yourself if a little bit of sex is worth hurting someone you love and losing everything over.
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