A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:im with my boyfriend 5 years and we have a daughter together and another child on the way. I should be happy but im not because i cheated at christmas and never told him the truth. Before you judge me listen to my story first. i was just 18 when i got with him looking back i wasnt ready for a relationship i was after getting out of one around 4 months before and i dont think i was over it but because my family lives abroad i was feeling lonely and it was nice to have someone there. the first years together was quite rocky we fought a lot he was controlling paranoid put me down judge me on my past to be honest i should have left him but i suffer from low self steem so i put up with it dont get me wrong i wasnt an angel either though but i was young and had a lot of issues. then i got pregnant and he wasnt there for me it was a shock to both and he escaped to the pub every weekend while i was at home with noone to talk to as i never told my parent until i was 7 months gone.when the child was born he was a great father but he stil liked going out when all i wanted to do was be with my baby and be a family. I became a nervous wrecked and was very depresed felt like his family where always in the way missed my family and grew resentful he was keeping me ere while he had everything felt he took me for granted eventually he did stop going out as much but the damage was gone felt ashamed over my past partly over him caus he didnt accept it, i felt i was too young to be this unhappy but things werent as easy as just breaking up i have no family ere few friends felt i had noone to talk to didnt wana worry my family i tink i jus didnt want to accept that i wasnt happy because i felt his family and him were all i had and i didnt want to loose them plus his sister is my best friend, entually i went on antidepresants last years as i had a hard teenage years drank too much did stupid things and it all caught up with me as well as my relantionship problems and more. then i went out last christmas with his sister and ended up at a party where this fella got talking to me and i found myself teling him i wasnt happy and he listened and wen his sister fell sleep i slept with him. i decided not to tell her i was afraid she would hit me or something and we never told her brother where we really ended up that night i didnt want her getting in trouble. i realised my relationship was broken so tried to break it off with him and told him i nearly kissed a fella and that i was texting him i should have admited it all then but was too afraid all his family got involved felt it wasnt fair to be blamed for it all over a stupid mistake was afraid of judgement as we live in a small town he knew he was after doin wrong all those years beg me to give him another chance i felt if i told him he would become paranoid and put me down like he did before and for my daughter and because i felt guilty i gave it another try.eventualy i went to counselling this year to work on my issues and thats helped us too and we are happy but now i can get this of my mind and the guilt is killing me and i just dont know what to do i dont want to get his sister in trouble i dont want to hurt him i know i wil never act like this again i dont want my daughter finding out when she is older what i did my family would just judge me like they always did i feel so alone i dont know what to do but i feel like if this fella ever comes to town again he is from another town and meets his sister im going to end up in big trouble and i will loose her for lying to her and maybe my boyfriend and they will all hate me what should i do
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2010): I've been through something like this. Long winded answer."eventually i went on antidepresants last years"Depression and Antidepressants and Alcohol don't mix, or other mind altering substances as well. You do really, really, really "out of character" and "stupid" things under the influence. Make sure you understand this well, and don't mix them again, they can really fuck up your thinking."i had a hard teenage years drank too much did stupid things and it all caught up with me"This is what you worked on with counseling, I assume. This can affect you for years, your self esteem, and your guilt and your perceptions of what others think about you can be really screwed up."ended up at a party"Go online and take this quiz. http://www.lanarkleedsaa.org/pages/aboutaa/are_you_an_alcoholic.htm You can also take it for any other drug, substitute that drug name for alcohol."i went to counselling this year to work on my issues and thats helped us too and we are happy but now i can get this of my mind"Good work, this shows good maturity and good thought processing and constructive work on your part. Continue with counseling."and the guilt is killing me"Get your spousal equivalent to go to counseling with you. Open up there about your past, your pain, your problems, and how you are working on them in order to make a better life for yourself, your child, and him. Do this first, before you disclose the affair. When he has developed an understanding, a mature understanding of what you have been through, if he wants to know all the past, whether he can handle it or not (not your place to judge that), then let him know.Do you deserve to be forgiven? Yes, everyone does, particularly those who are working on themselves.Does he deserve to know? Yes, everyone deserves to know the truth about their relationships. Anything else is being manipulative and controlling at this level of importance. As a human being, both of you deserve to have the information and right to make your own decisions based on good information about the relationship.Will he forgive you? Maybe. More likely than not he will eventually forgive you, but it may take years.Will he stay with you? Probably not. Usually husbands leave their wives when an affair is disclosed (overwhelmingly). However, the guilt itself is hurting both of you and your child as well as it damages the "reality" of the relationship.Can you control this secret? No, you are not the only person to know that you slept with the other guy. It may stay a secret, or may come out when you are 4, 5, 10 years down the road. You should take control of this and release the information on your own terms.Good luck.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2010): Doesn't your BF have a right to know about this? He should have to same right to make choices about this relationship as you do, and that includes basing his decision on full disclosure.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2010): sorry i dont seem to be able to update my answer yes it is his child im only three months
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2010): Do u want to become a better human being? A better mother, partner and sis in law? Then it starts by starting to speak the truth meaning no lies or half truths.
You know the secrets we have always do come out esp when we least expect it.
You will have more respect for yourself if you confess to the cheating and then try to work on your relationship. Your guilt is eating at u and u are so afraid that this stink will come out. So instead of covering up and instead of pretending you need to confess. If u do not then be prepared to lose everything dear to u, including your kid.
I asked u in my previous post whose baby it is. Sorry I cannot do the maths bec you have not mentioned how many months pregnant u are .
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2010): by the time the other guy comes back he may be married and with a child and he certainly will NOT want to acknowlege it, assuming he even remembers it. More likely the other guy has already forgotten you. You had a one night stand. Considering what you put up with i would just call it a comfortable talk. To give you a small respite from all the misery you put up with. Please try not to let it happen again. Maybe try to join a mother's group in your area, just to increase the number of people you interact with daily. Your guy can be mean spirited and paranoid. And you are unhappy. The real thing is you are unhappy and isolated. You have your daughter and your baby to think of and your man is not giving you enough support. But now you want to escalate the trouble to a far worse situation? Do NOT raise this little dalliance with your paranoid man. You did not have a relationship. You sat down and discussed your feelings about how unhappy you are, and the other man listened. Dont make your life and the life of your children a misery - All because of your useless guilt. Get over the guilt now. It is wasted effort. Your guilt feelings are too indulgent and serve no purpose. Your blurting this thing that happened will hurt him far more and make matters far worse for you. Please get a grip.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2010): You say you have another kid on the way. You don't say whether it is your boyfriends. Is it???
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (31 October 2010):
 I don't understand why the fella wants to tell your sister you slept with him unless he's an ass. And if they really said things like that you could deny it, saying they were both drunk and didn't know what they were saying. Not the most graceful thing to say but if I were you I wouldn't try too hard to fight for the relationship which was unpleasant to start with. You could talk to your counsellor about how to handle your guilt. It is unfair to unload that poisonous burden on someone you love while solving nothing. How do you know your boyfriend never cheated and never told you. The next thing you should do is build up your self confidence and financial independence so you don't feel you have to be stuck with him forever.
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A
male
reader, Mr. Smith  +, writes (31 October 2010):
What ever your situation was what you did is wrong so do not try to justify what can't be justified. I do feel for you and I do suggest you be honest with you "man"... in love honesty is key.
It will hurt but eventually he will get around it and look at things differently. Now be prepared to "pay" the price if he decides to leave you, remember that for every action there will be consequences...
God bless you and gives you the wisdom neccesary t solve this issue.
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