A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:First off someone fix this already.. I'm 17 not 30 odd!!...right, i've recently come across a situation with my mother which has highly aroused my suspicion.. Long story short, she's been married to my father for 20ish years, and within the last couple of years I have come to notice she's been kinda cyber text cheating.. A few times when i've been using her phone a text would come through from some other bloke saying something like 'Hey sexy' followed by filth.. And other such ones saying 'when are we meeting babes?' etc. Obviously I had it out with her, swore on my life it'd never happen again, but it did again and again.. Never told my dad.. Now she's all of a sudden decided to go visit her 'cousin' who lives at the othes side of the country, who she's always called a mad old hag and would usually blank her calls or texts.. And I find this extremely dodgey.. It just doesn't add up to me, even more so the fact she doesn't want me going.. Does this sound dodge to anyone else? Or am I just being too para??
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2009): congrats on being enaged.
while you are moving on with your life- you also need to be open with your mother, tell her you know what she is up to, but its her life and she can screw it up if she wants to. you need to tell her so that she knows that she has been caught out. and that she cannot cry wolf when the mess starts. also she needs to know that she cannot come to you for support when the sh1t hits the fan.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYea I went a bit mad earlier.. Stress, it does that eh.. Since then, i've decided to just let her get on with it, it's her life to screw with not mine, and I don't have to be a part of it.. My spirits have been completely lifted this evening, i'm now engaged :) it's completely changed my mind set and now i'm going to focus on my relationship with my fiance and leave my mum to it :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2009): Hi,
I totally think you should move out. Good call.
But I'm a bit concerned by the flavour of your last few posts - especially that you now feel 'sickened by humanity'. Again I'd urge you to NOT let this situation make YOU suffer needlessly, since it's in no way your fault.
My worry would be that, as far as I can tell, you seem to be actually letting this impact negatively on your entire life. Beer for breakfast? That's OK once in a blue moon, preferably in celebration if you're on holiday and feel on top of the world. But not when it's done to escape or black your feelings out.
I don't know your mother, so I've no idea whether she's a complete monster or a basically OK person who just happens to cheat on her husband. Of course you're angry and resentful, hurt and confused. But maybe she's not the Antichrist.
(I know mine has plenty of good qualities as a person, and hasn't been a bad parent generally, though the last four years would count as a major black mark on her character - my best pal says she's turned me against girls for life and I'll never be able to be faithful to any man ever, but she reads a lot of psychology stuff and tends to over-analyse things).
Take care of yourself, and don't do anything stupid. DO NOT let this drive you insane. There are worse things happening in the world every day.
Good luck with the moving out. Best of luck xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd heck, i'm gonna have a beer for breakfast lol
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOmg.. I swear i'm actually losing the plot!! Now i'm actually sat in my room on the ps3 playing music, she's in her room next to mine, and i'm playing music to a theme of a big message.. Seriously.. lily allen - fuck you.. Marilyn Manson- tainted love, heart shaped glasses and putting holes in happiness.. Then some ting tings - shut up and let me go.. Jo-Jo- too little too late finally ended by paramore- decode, lol which says it all..
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso if I were to move out I wouldn't be just down the road, i'd be an hour and a half train journey away, so it's not like a small deal, either.
I just feel like it's driving me insane though, as you can probably tell. That woman i'm ashamed to call a mother has ruined me, I find it so hard to trust anyone anymore. I even get para about my fella and i've never in my life been cheated on or had reason to think so, it's messed up.. It's even got to a point where I can actually say that humanity sickens me..
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answers guys, can't say that it's not anything I haven't already said to myself but seeing other people thinking the same is of some use.. Of course i'm not going to tell my dad, it'd be impossible to do, yep, definately stuck between a rock and a hard place.. I ended up writing my mum a letter in the end basically playing on the 'you can't not let me come with you cos at the end of the day family is family and I wanna know these people' which I think i'm right about.. And basically said that if she didn't allow me to go she'd be the most heartless cruel person living etc.. Toward the end I gave her an ultimatum; i'm coming or i'm moving out. At the end of the day I don't have to be here, at home, my bfs got his own place which is as good as mine anyway, and I do not want to be living with someone who makes it seem as if though she couldn't care less about me.. I don't have time for people who screw you about in your life, ya know. Do you think that was right of me, or am I starting to go mad?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2009): Well, she's cheating and has absolutely no intention of stopping. But the others are spot on - there's really nothing you can do, except tell your dad, which would most likely end their marriage and leave you always wondering whether it was (indirectly) your fault they split up.
At least she's being relatively discreet. My own mother has been cheating with my dad's mate for the last four years (starting when I was 15 - the evidence was a bit more than circumstantial, he was banging her brains out in the locked bathroom at her 40th birthday party), and hasn't even been cautious enough to conduct it outside the house. I've lost count of the number of times I've arrived home earlier than scheduled during the day to hear them going at it like wild animals, with her squawking so loud I have to put the earphones on to block it out. I moved out two months ago, and this was one of the main reasons.
There's sod-all I can do about the situation, except tell my dad, and I don't want to hurt him. Of course I'm fully expecting him to find out some day, if things keep up they way they are. I think he's starting to (at last) get suspicious, they had a blazing row a few months ago when she was going out allegedly with her work mates, dressed like a thousand-dollar hooker. He doesn't seem too happy.
But I just wouldn't be able to tell him about it, and certainly wouldn't want to provoke a break-up - too much upheaval, which I can do without.
The same with you. You have to decide whether you're prepared to put your dad through this, and prepared to face the consequences of your parents splitting up. If you otherwise have a fairly happy home life, I think you're best advised to play safe. If it all come out in the wash anyway, then deal with it when it does.
You at least had the bravery to confront her about it, which can't have been easy, and that didn't seem to accomplish much. I've never openly confronted my mother about it, though I have dropped a few hints in conversation that I'm onto her, and I think she knows I know. (There's an unspoken trade-off where she doesn't say anything about me being gay, having once caught me in a 'compromising' position and walked straight back out the front door and never mentioned it. I'd hate for my father to find out).
When you confronted your mother about this, she swore on your life she'd stop. Yeah, right. Bottom line, the sex is more important to her than her husband or her promises to you. All YOU can do is put it in a box, resolve that it isn't going to stop YOU enjoying your life, and try to do the best you can to get on with things.
Best of luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2009): It does sound dodgy, but I don't think there is much you can do to stop her going away, except tell her what you think, though she will try to cover it up. If she swore it wouldn't happen again and it has happened countless times since then, then I think it would be best to let her know that you don't want her to keep cheating on your dad, because he doesn't deserve this. I agree with Phil, I don't think you should tell your dad either because you WILL feel like you're the cause of their break up (if they were to break up). The best thing would be to try and talk to your mum again about it and ask her to make a decision.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2009): Sounds dodgy to me too, but your mother is an adult capable of making adult decisions about her life.
This puts you in a sort of 'piggy in the middle' situation, between a rock and a hard place. If your mother is intent on cheating there's nothing much you could do to stop her except tell your father, but then if this caused them to split you'd blame yourself for causing the split, and so might she. Difficult situation or what?
Maybe your dad will figure things out for himself - and that's probably the best way for it to happen.
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