A
female
age
51-59,
*crubmel
writes:I have been married for 1 1/2 years. We have been together for 3 years. Just prior to the wedding I found out he had several relations with different girls, had been on dating websites, and still texting and sending provocative pictures to some of the girls. I gathered as much evidence as I could and approached him. He denied everything and had excuses like, "it's just that I like the thrill of the chase, and I don't ever pursue anything." I excepted the excuses and he was awesome to me after all that.The wedding went on, over a year has gone by and he has been doing it again.I am a computer consultant and I travel during the week and that being said, I know a bit more about the com then him and it allows me to track his business. (He doesn't know)I have been watching his activity and I finally approached him again, this time I was more rational and started with I want to use the insurance because I need counciling. He asked why of course and I continued with the fact that he is my best friend and I love him no matter what and I know about everything that happened in the past and what is currently going on and I still love you but I am hurting inside. I told him before he could even respond that I don't want him to spill out his guts and I am not looking for a confession, I just want to know how you feel about me and do you want to make this relationship work. He still looked at me confused and at this point I stated one of the girls names (he had just spent the evening with her the night before) and he knew he was caught. He started rubbing his head and cried (I have NEVER seen him cry) and he called himself and asshole.I cried for the next 2 hours I think and he caressed me but really didn't have anything to say the rest of the evening. We went to bed and he woke up this morning and he went to work.I know that we definitely need counselling, but I don't know if I need to do research or should I let him to see how much he wants to make this work.I'm either an idiot for putting up with all this or really in love with him. Should I just walk away and start new?
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female
reader, hurtinpa +, writes (11 December 2008):
I went thru the exact same thing about 5 years ago. My husband was having a "mid-life" crisis. Caught him at it about 3 times and he was so apologetic, wouldn't do it again - blah blah blah. He did do it again, and again, and again. We went to counseling and found out he was a sex addict, reaction from the drug Paxil - among other things. He hasn't been on since, but it's been hell. Is he cheating? Is he doing it again? I've kept a close eye on him, but you DO forget . . . or at least it gets easier as time goes on. Don't give up - if he's serious about changing. I'm trying to have sex with him more and we're talking more, but it will always be there - good luck!
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 August 2008):
 That is good news, that you're both going to counseling. I hope that it is a productive session. I expect it'll be very emotional and difficult to get through, but you're off to a positive start, aren't you?
I do wish you the best and that this is the beginning of a better relationship with your husband. Let us know how you get on, if you feel up to it. I have my fingers crossed for you. And my hat's off to you, for being so proactive and being willing to make this work.
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A
female
reader, scrubmel +, writes (21 August 2008):
scrubmel is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe are going to councelling tonight. He told me he was sorry last night and he deleted all of the inappropriate sites on his own accord. (He didn't know I knew about all of them)
He told me the worst part was hurting me and its something that he wants to get help on.
I understand the statistics for situations like this but if he is willing to get help than I at least have to give it another shot.
I did tell him also that I would not have anymore energy to deal with another situation like this again and I got the point across.
Wish me luck because I live him and I know he loves me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2008): Once a cheat ? Twice definately. Cheating and lying live side by side. You cannot ever believe a liar. Even if you do,theres always a doubt in the back of your mind.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2008): Not necessarily scrubmel. Sometimes people become drawn to another when they shouldnt. This case is very different as he is actively seeking. I have been in ur situation and it didnt go away. Even if a relationship is going ok,there are people who enjoy the thrill of cheating. I'm not saying he is one of them but i wouldnt rule it out either.
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A
female
reader, scrubmel +, writes (20 August 2008):
scrubmel is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Anonymous male reader,Are you suggesting that once a cheating dishonest man always a cheating dishonest man?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2008): To answer you (and student of life),the reason why he does it is because he's dishonest and believed he would get away with it. No other reason why. From my own experience it may not go away. He may change his name,age,star sign etc to bi pass detection. He cried because he was caught,not because he feels remorse. Dating sites will always be an early warning sign. If he continued after being caught then it shows determination to cheat.
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A
female
reader, scrubmel +, writes (20 August 2008):
scrubmel is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think that is amazing advice. I am going the counsellor on my own and I will let him make his own decision to go as well. Thanks so much for the repies.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 August 2008):
I'm not going to judge you for keeping an eye on him; you had some concerns that he wasn't being fully honest with you about giving up trying to meet other women. You did what you needed to do to keep your sanity. I probably would have done the same thing in your position. However, I probably would have dumped him after I found out about the other women before the wedding. The excuses are actually lying to you, you knew what he'd been up to. Big red flag.
That being said, you stated that you love him and I think want to make things work. I guess I would go ahead with the counseling for yourself, and see what he does. He has to want to change this behavior in order for counseling to work. If he shows up and goes through the motions, you're just going to have a repeat performance from him. I expect he'd get wilier, realizing that you can keep an eye on the computer.
Get yourself a very sharp counselor, one that will not let him pretend to be 'cured' or whatever of this desire to meet other women. I'd be very upfront with the counselor and give him all the information you have, so that you get off to a good start there. It is going to take WORK on the part of your husband, and also HONESTY from yourself. You both need to identify the reason or reasons why he's doing this. A sense of entitlement, boredom in the marital bedroom, desire for variety, narcissism and ego stroking, mid-life crisis are just the start of a list why men might cheat.
The way I see it, you have an opportunity to try to fix the situation. If you just walk away now, without trying, then you might regret it down the road. But he has to get 100% on board with this in order for it to work. And it's not going to be nice or comfortable or easy, it's going to be ugly and distressing to both of you, that's why you need a very good counselor. I'd do research on that and find the very best one you can.
You must be just devastated, and I am actually admiring your strength in reaching out for help and advice at this point. I think that's a good sign, you're not just caving and turning into a puddle of tears. Take that anger you have, harness it into research and positive effort.
It's all down to him now, and only time will tell if he's truly interested in changing these patterns of behavior or even understanding the reasons behind them.
Best wishes for what you're about to go through.
XXX
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A
male
reader, StudentOfLife  +, writes (20 August 2008):
 Life is not about finding the perfect person but loving an imperfect person perfectly.
If he doesn't wants to go to the counseling, go yourself.
People have to go when there's no reason for them to stay. Maybe there's something he fell in love with that you might have lost along the way.
Take the blame and go see a counselor to see what he as to say.
Another thing, it's not right to infiltrate a person's life like that, no matter what relation you have. Instead of trying to find ways to proves that he's flirting with other girls, why not try to find the reason why.
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