A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been married to a man for three years. I had three kids to bring to this relationship he had 2... At first things were great between us like they are in the beginning... We have since then bought a house and are starting to try to make a complete home for the kids. Most of his family who see that my husband and I have bought a house have congratulated us others have said that they are happy to see a real change in my husband since we've been together. But I'm not sure that he has changed much since his last situation. He it's not romantic in the least. He says he loves me, but I feel otherwise. He don't help with the kids, mine or his. I have always accepted his kids and most times when there is a problem with them I deal with it, like not bringing home homework, misbehaving but the kids get upset with me and act out. They may yell, scream or break things. He will day nothing. Of course I get upset beside I feel it's unfair to always be the bad guy and take the heat from the kids. When tho happens I feel like they gang up on me. So I get upset and stay to myself. The kids on the other hand go back to whatever they're doing. He goes back to his game and I'm the ass for getting upset. More recently my children have come to me and said that there are times that my husband says negative things about me when I'm not there. Things such as I'm bi-polar, or I need meds... I'm terribly hurt to hear that these things are being said about me behind my back and being talked about in a negative way with my kids. I have confronted him about this and he said that the kids were lying. I shouldn't let something one of the kids says get to me but I have repeatedly been told by both mine and his Kids that he does it. So I decided to record it home for the day... I feel really bad that I did this, usually I'd never think to record someone, but if he isn't saying anything then how do the kids know what is going on.... Well needles to say I did hear him saying negative things about me after recording my house. I was heart broken... When I brought this to his attention he got upset that I recorded him to begin with and turned into a argument and now no one is talking... I on the other hand feel really betrayed and hurt. I've always stuck up for him even when I've had others tell me negative things about him. Yet he was saying negative things about me with my kids and his family while I was at work... I feel that maybe he's been lying this entire time and really feel unsure how to feel about him or how to handle the situation...
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 February 2015):
 It sounds to me like he married you to have a housekeeper, sex partner and babysitter.
I would
a. get my financial ducks in a row
b. contact a good attorney to find out what needs to be done to protect yourself and your children
I fear that once you start advocating for yourself that the marriage will go to hell in a hand basket.
1. STOP doing for him and his kids (unless the kids treat you well in which case by all means continue to care for his children but if his kids are "on his side" so to speak then they get lumped with daddy)
IF he asks for a specific favor or something, then you can discuss it but STOP caretaking for him.
do not do his laundry
do not make his meals
when he does not treat you the way you want to be treated, I would leave. I would take the kids and go out for a treat.
If he continues to badger you for stuff, move into a spare room or sleep on the couch.
get yourself a therapist to help VALIDATE that you are worth your weight in gold and figure out how to end this sham of a marriage because I am betting once you stop care taking for him and his kids (unless the children are in danger) he will no longer wish to be married to such a bipolar mean evil woman.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2015): I'm 47 and still not quite recovered from a very dysfunctional upbringing. When I look back to where all the dysfunction started, one thing that is in my earliest memories of being wrong was that my Dad - who generally was a loving, hardworking person and who I adored - would talk about my Mum behind her back, even when my sister and I were far, far too young to hear it. He would go on for hours and even say "oh, you're far too young to be listening to this" - but being kids who wanted to be seen as grown ups we would of course say that we were not. It didn't help that my mother was extremely inexpressive and my sister and I felt very 'unloved' by her as we were growing up. But what my Dad was doing was wrong. I would only have been about five or six years old. Around that same age, he would do other things like tell me long stories for hours and hours, often after reading me a bed time story, and it was all about his terrible upbringing and his tragic childhood. It made me feel like I was supposed to be "the listener" - put me in a very passive role since childhood and also I internalised all of this 'tragedy' and grew up with an increasing sense of responsibility and depression. He also began physically and emotionally abusing my elder sister in ways that I can't even go into as I get so upset.So, what I am saying to you is that if this guy is talking about you behind your back to CHILDREN then he himself is not only emotionally immature, he is probably in need of psychological help - but I doubt he will get it, because he sounds far too selfish and sexist. To put a woman down to her own kids is, to me unforgivable. It starts to erode what should be the most fundemantal bond of trust between children and their Mum AND children and their Dad. He is behaving like a big kid, and a dangerous one at that. Another thing to bear in mind is that, if he is talking about you behind your back, he will, like my Dad, no doubt be doing other things that overstep healthy boundaries between parents and children and will have other things going on that eventually will show he's not capable of looking after a family. IN my Dad's case, years down the line and as my whole family had been pretty much destroyed from the inside out, it turned out he had mortgaged the family home 3 times - basically taken a massive gamble - without any realistic way of paying back the money.This was despite a lifetime of always paying his bills and never having any credit card debt. They lost their home and had no pension, nothing, both of my parents dying in poverty and leaving a train wreck of a 'family' - me and my two sisters who don't speak to one another - behind.The thing is though, WiseOwlE is right. We told my Mum what my Dad had said about her. Even though she wasn't nice to us, we still felt we should tell her and even though we really loved our Dad. And all my years growing up with them as it was becoming more and more obvious to me that my Dad's behaviour was, behind the behaviour of a loving father and stable guy, actually showing signs of instability if not downright madness. She wouldn't listen to me and neither would he. In fact, every time I tried to warn them something wasn't right with my Dad, I'd be emotionally abused and threatened with being put in an orphanage - I'm serious - and I was one of the kindest, most dutiful and quiet daughters anyone could ever have. I never caused any trouble, but they were both in a kind of denial about the reality of their relationship. So what I'm saying is YOU have a responsibility to your kids to take action right now. This guy won't, in my opinion, ever change. He doesn't have it in him to grow up so don't fool yourself. My Dad was an expert in making things seem on the outside great - he fooled the rest of our family into thinking we kids were having a great upbringing. No one knew what was really going on behind the scenes and people just wanted to turn a blind eye. The house, the whole 'happy family' thing was just a facade. This is what this guy is doing with you and you, for whatever reasons are buying into it. Have some self respect, realise you made a mistake and ABOVE ALL protect your children and get out. A man who overrides boundaries with children will be capable of a great many devious acts and will simply never understand what healthy boundaries should be. Leave and take your kids with you before he keeps blurring your own sense of boundaries - he's already starting to do this to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2015): What type of guy was this guy before you got married?
You didn't see one red-flag? Even his family suggests there was some kind of "change" once he met you. That could only mean he was some kind of a prick to begin with. Were you so happy to find someone that you just overlooked all signs that this guy is a jerk?
He didn't transform into some romantic loveable guy just long enough to get through courtship, get engaged; then trap you in a marriage. You were eager to get your kids a father, and settle back into a domestic situation. You figured you could change him; because he was a sweet-talker and charmed you with a load of bullsh*t. He made you believe you were all he needed to change. What he needed was a live-in housekeeper, extra paycheck, cook, and nanny!
The man is upsetting your children!!! He either put on an award-winning performance to get you hitched; or you just went through a complete courtship with your eyes closed.
Well, it is what it is. I guess you'll have to get your legal ducks in a row; it's only downhill from here. You can't let anybody mess with your kids! That kind of trauma takes a lifetime to get-over!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (17 February 2015):
 Firstly, good on you for trusting your kids and not believing him when he said they were liars.
He is now upset because he knows that you know HE is the liar, and a not very nice person. He thought he had the upper hand in the marriage and now he knows that he doesn't.
I really don't have an answer on how to fix this, your marriage and blended family may benefit from some counseling, but he would need to be willing and wanting to fix the problems.
Your relationship might get worse now that he has lost the upper hand, I think it would be wise to have a "Plan B" in case he isn't interested in having a good solid respectful marriage. This could mean putting aside small sums of money into a secret account so that you will be able to get out if necessary, working out where you could go, with your kids, or making sure your personal papers (birth certificates etc) are held somewhere safe.
Talk to your husband, tell him what YOU want to be happening in the marriage, how you expect him to show respect and to make sure his kids do the same to you, and yours to him. Tell him honesty is non negotiable, and if you make ultimatums make sure you carry through.
To be honest he doesn't sound like ideal husband material to me, but only you can know if he is worth a second chance.
I send you lots of best wishes and good luck!
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