A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I caught my fiance in a lie. I saw him talking and laughing with one of his female co-workers on their way to lunch (I was running an errand and saw them - with their lunches - walking together). When I asked him that night if he had eaten with anyone, he said no. Then when I mentioned that I saw him, he answered that he did walk with her, only spent part of his lunch with her and then went back to his desk to eat his lunch. After we argued about it, he tells me that he has eaten with her a few times a week for the past 3 months (but sometimes this is in a mixed group from work). He also said he finds her attractive (but he is not attracted to her) and he likes her personality. His answer to why he never mentioned anything, or why he lied when I asked him about it, is, "I don't know why." I don't know if there is anything to this, if I should worry... I really don't like being lied to, it makes me question what else I've been lied to about (he's already been untruthful in the past, and when I discover the lie we'll argue, he'll promise not to do it again and we move on). So is this just another lie (where I have to say, maybe he's a compulsive liar) or could it be a lie leading up to cheating?We've been together six years, I do love him and we have a child together. Any advice would be great!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2010): Hmmm, this isn't a simple one sided thing, where he lied and you found out. Firstly, it isn't clear from this post if he did in this case actually have lunch with her this time, or if he was just walking with her and then had lunch at his desk. If he just went out to pick up the lunch with her, there isn't any lie here. It would be usefull to know.
Secondly, rather than say "oh by the way I was running an errand today and I saw you with someone at lunchtime, is she a co worker of yours?" and then ask about her, you chose to trap him by saying "did you have lunch with anyone?" This doesn't excuse his lie if there is a lie, but it simply indicates that you don't trust him. You don't trust him to tell you the truth, and you don't trust his behaviour when you aren't there. You may or may not have good reasons for your lack of trust, but know that a relationship is unlikely to succeed where there is a lack of trust. Your way forward is to talk to him about it.
Thirdly, if he has a history of lying, and it is a pattern, he is likely to continue. Again, its something you will have to talk about. If he takes responsibility and takes steps to set it right, then good. If not, it will be hard to establish any trust in the relationship.
Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2010): Emotional affair (all emotion, no sex) is the new buzzword these days in the workplace. People make light of the "office spouse"; however, these "relationships" can be extremely hazardous to one's real relationship. One of the hallmarks of an emotional relationship is "secrecy". That, coupled with sexual attraction is a powerful elixir that not many people can resist. The sad part is that most people do not intend to get involved in these sorts of traps. In fact, emotional affairs are sometimes referred to as "accidental affairs" only because the people involved never intended for it to happen. I wouldn't rush to judgment on your fiance; however, if I were you I would be a bit concerned about the deception. After all, if he felt he wasn't doing anything wrong then why lie about it? Keep your eyes and ears open. Do an inventory of your relationship and ask yourself if there is anything the two of you could be doing to make the relationship better. Talk to him. Ask him if he's happy. The best defense is a good offense. Talk about your concerns. Communication is the key.
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