A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need help! I have caught my boyfriend (for the second time) talking to men sexually. We are happy (or so I thought). we've been living together for over a year. He denies everything, i even sent the "mystery man" an email, he says they never actually met up but they talk on facebook. I'm really upset about this. I have nothing against gay people I calmly sat him down and expressed I would not think differently of him and that we could work around it but he still denies it. What do I do!?
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female
reader, llifton  +, writes (25 July 2014):
 Exactly what svc said. Exactly. She hit the nail on the head when she said that cheating is cheating, regardless of whether it was with the opposite sex or the same sex. What difference does it make? If it were with another woman, you'd be out the door. What makes it any different because he's cheating with a guy? It's still deceptive.
He is lying and hiding it from you. And it's behavior you should not put up with. If he is confused about his sexuality, he can man up and be honest about it and tell you. But going behind your back is never acceptable.
I would not tolerate this. I would look to end this relationship. Then he can message men all he wants.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 July 2014):
 I am a bisexual woman. I get very angry when folks say that they could forgive a partner for doing what he is doing because it's with same sex partners.... as if you can only cheat if you go after someone who could REPLACE me...
When I married my husband I forsake all others. gawd I miss "girl play" but cheating is cheating and if I get girl play so does he and we are not sharing....
Your guy and you are laboring under the impression that same sex cheating is different... it's not.
He's cheating.. he's being sexual with others without your prior consent. (PRIOR consent from your partner makes it an open relationship and kosher in my opinion)
and WORSE
HE'S LYING about it. to you and maybe to himself.
I don't think he's GAY. I'm betting he is either bi or bi-curious.
IF you are willing to share him with men (and he's willing to give you the same respect) then you two can work it out.
He may like my former husband have a double standard...
he may think it's ok for him to have a little something on the side but not you... and when you want to have the same thing he will not cope... it's what ended my last marriage.
I wish you luck with this... but he's lying and cheating and you have to hold him accountable for it.
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A
female
reader, Staceily +, writes (24 July 2014):
 He is cheating. It doesn't matter if they didn't meet up (yet). He is having sexual conversations behind your back with another person, you don't need to meet in person to cheat, talking sex and/or sending naked pictures or even just flirting IS cheating. What do you do? You leave! I believe you aren't feeling the same jealousy since it is a man he is talking sexually to. I think you are feeling empathetic as though this is something he is struggling with that you can help him through if you just understand him. As YouWish said, would you be as understanding if it were a woman you caught him having sexual messages with...? Twice?
He is gay. Possibly bisexual. How could you work through this with him? If he told you he is sexually attracted to men, what do you do then? How can that be worked on?
You are trying to hold onto this man with everything you have. You are young, he isn't the only man on earth even if it does feel that way right now. You deserve someone monogamous who has the same attraction for you that you have for him. You are holding onto something that won't ever work. There is no future here, unless it's a very sad one where your boyfriend is closeted and using you to appear straight. Right now you are in a relationship with a most likely gay man and being cheated on, you need to see and accept this. And then you need to let go. Be friends and be there for him in a different way if you feel he needs someone there for him. You don't need to waste your time and energy on something that will never be.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 July 2014):
 Listen to me very carefully... if he was talking sexually to other women and you verified that by talking with the other woman, would you even DREAM of saying to him "I wouldn't think differently of you"?! Of course not! You'd be devastated, pissed off, and you'd throw him to the curb as a cheater who betrayed you.
The fact that he was talking to another man means NOTHING different than he is a cheater who betrayed you. You don't get politically correct and all nurturing and understanding because he was talking to another man. You react the SAME as you would if you had caught him cheating on you, because that's what it is.
This isn't the time to make politically correct noises. You know the truth. He's lying to you. End the relationship and either kick him out or YOU leave. Your relationship is a lie, which is even worse than if he was talking to another woman. He wasted your time and money by not being honest about his sexuality with you. That's even worse than mere cheating.
You know the truth. Any move you make now that DOESN'T end the relationship is you putting your head in the sand. Don't let it go on another second. Betrayal is betrayal. Gay or straight, what he did is reprehensible, and his denial is even more reprehensible. He does not deserve understanding or that you'll "think of him less". You should think of him like you'd think of any dirty cheater. Being gay doesn't mean getting a pass from making decisions that devastate their significant others. You're not part of his "journey". You're the woman he professed to love that he cheated on.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (24 July 2014):
 Nothing against gay or bisexuals, just against cheating. He is either using you as a cover girlfriend while fulfilling underground desires or a person without boundaries. I usually don't like living together without getting married but in this case be glad that you didn't marry or have children with him. He didn't actually cheat, but he's about to and was occupying his mind with someone else when he could have devoted totally to you. I would move out. Why wouldn't he date someone who's into polyamory or alternative lifestyle? As mentioned above and society still makes people homophobic and he is conflicted himself. His fantasies are only sweet if they are forbidden. I would treat it the same way as if he talked sexually to a girl. I have no sympathy for people attempting to cheat.
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