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female
,
anonymous
writes: Hey, I have a problem. I feel like my new boyfriend is trying to hide our relationship at school. He says because his ex girlfriend might kick my ass. He says he likes me a lot, he just doesn't want me to get hurt. I'm not sure if his ex coming after me is the only reason we're trying to keep it on the DL. I feel he doesn't want his friends to know he's dating me, since I'm white and he's Mexican; they might judge. He knows that I could get my ass kicked because she's in a gang. I told him that if she was going to do something she would have already done it. Also, I'm in no way whatsoever involed in his life. I have my own group of friends and he has his own. We're the least expected couple of our school. How can we make this work?
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (3 December 2005):
 The question you need to be asking is not "How can we make this work?", it's "Could it ever work if he's not willing to admit we're together?"
Sadly, the answer is No.
What it comes down to is that this guy is not your boyfriend if he's not willing to acknowledge your relationship, not willing to be involved in your life at any level, and not willing to stand up for you to his ex. Think about it: how else do you define a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, other than wanting to be with - and protect - your significant other? Shouldn't there be some sort of mutual admiration, some care for each other, some sort of emotional involvment?
If there's not, then how exactly are you boyfriend and girlfriend?
What this young guy is doing is saying "Oh, yeah, keep treating me like we're together - unless somebody sees us! Then you're on your own, sweetheart!"
Nice guy. A real Romeo.
*** Note to teenage lovers: a guy who'd allow his ex-girlfriend to 'kick your ass' and who claims to ignore you for your own protection, doesn't actually care that much about you. ***
I strongly suspect that, if you don't continue to do all the work in this 'relationship' - that is, the chasing, the adoration, the sweet talk - then nothing will happen between you and him. And that's really the litmus test of any budding relationship. If you leave off and he doesn't pursue you, then you're not really together, are you?
I'm sorry dear. This guy seems to enjoy your attention and admiration (I'm sure it makes him feel like Adonis), but he isn't boyfriend material. Give yourself a break and find someone who actually gives a hoot about you.
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