A
female
age
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*etalaw777
writes:So I meet men , we break up and later I find out they met someone else in less than a month. They block me from their lives or harrass me by using the other woman or completely disappears out my life. I am getting so sick and tired of this. I feel worthless and don't know how to cope.I spend lots of time alone and bitter. I can't find a new person not even at my new job. I wonder what's my problem.? Why is it so easy for them to move on and discard me like I was always meaningless to them. I wish I could move on with someone else just like they did but I don't know how. Im failing and loosing ideas. Can anyone suggest what I should do in order to find a good man? How can I establish myself in a person's heart? I feel like such an unloveable person. I go out shopping and come back empty handed. I am attractive so I can't understand what is wrong with me.
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reader, metalaw777 +, writes (29 December 2014):
metalaw777 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone who took the time to counsel me. Especially wiseowle. Reading your post was very helpful and the last sentence had me laughing! I was at my lowest and you just had me reading. God bless you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2014): I can relate with what you're saying & I know it hurts, but it isn't you. I dated a man for four years who said he loved me but couldn't seem to move the relationship forward. We broke up and a month later he sold his home and moved in with another woman. It really hurt and did make me think why not me. He called me last week, guess it didn't work out. It felt good to tell him to get lost and I'm sure he's already on to the next one. I need to be thankful not to have someone like that in my life.
Love yourself and know other woman are going through the same thing.
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (28 December 2014):
Dear OP,
I don't think anything is wrong with you.
I suppose that something happened to you, that happens to a lot, maybe most women that have been single for some time (like me)..
You want to find a good man, but there is none at the moment (since they are hard to find). And because you're impatient and you think you need somebody RIGHT NOW, you just lower your standards and also date less attractive, less smart, less gentle, less successful men than the one you really, really are looking for. Because of your low standards and your poor choices, you make bad experiences, which in turn leave you bitter and lower the chances to find someone for real. You get hopeless and start thinking all men are this way.
You need to stop this process. No more douchy guys, okay? To use your metaphor: It's better to go shopping and come back empty handed, than just wasting your money on crappy things and garbage that you don't need. Save for the thing you really, really want. And then go get it and let nobody else take it from you!
Give yourself a break from dating, it can be an unhealthy addiction. At least, you should stop it for the next two months, because biologically, we are all "hybernating" in winter, it's much harder for people to fall in love in that season. Wait at least for the first signs of springtime to date again.
Instead, do other things that make you proud, happy and connected. Book holidays with your best friend. Do well at your new job and congratulate yourself for those achievements. Pursue a hobby. I know that nothing can fill the void when you don't have a partner, but it's easier to live as a single person when you have lots of interests and ways to entertain yourself. Don't let it drag you down more than it already does.
Best of luck and tons of love for you in 2015!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2014): There is nothing wrong with you except that you think there is something wrong with YOU; because you picked a few rotten apples. Girlfriend, don't we all? I like your topic, so I'll give you my time and the benefit of my experience.
Don't set your value and worth as a woman, on having a man in your life. You have more value on this planet than just being a part of a couple. You have to excel as an individual, have high regard for your independence, and mean something to yourself first. You've lived long enough to know this. I'm not telling you what you don't already know. Just ignoring through your frustrations with men.
You're having a bad day, week, month, or year. Been there and done that!
That means you're nothing when you're alone. Dear lady, what kind of an attitude is that for an attractive mature woman? Didn't we adults leave that sort of insecurity and pessimism behind with our teens and twenties? Sitting in the window swearing nobody loves me, or knows the troubles I've seen? Woe the hell is me!!! Multiply yourself times millions. We all get to that bus stop. Don't sit waiting while the bus passes you by. Get on it!
Stop it!!! You do understand yourself. You just don't understand men! You never will. You'll only find one the fits you like the right pair of shoes. After trying on a few that look fabulous, but hurt like hell!
Finding a match requires patience and simple strategy. I spend some of my idle-time helping others in someway. It gives me fulfillment to share my wisdom; and to make people introspect and think. Then I work on my own weaknesses and obvious flaws. I don't believe in a take-it or leave-it attitude. I want the best, so I give you my best.
My Native American side of the family places a lot of emphasis on spiritualism; and the belief everything has a reason. Everyone who passes through our lives brings us a piece of wisdom, and teaches us more about ourselves. However; we have to develop our own self-confidence and self-esteem to withstand the pitfalls of life. These are tools for survival. No man will give them to you. Life just ain't easy! Love is evasive, and difficult to maintain once you get it. That's just how it is. Don't waste time and energy feeling sorry for yourself. Pity-parties are draining, and no one likes to attend! Misery likes company, and most people will decline the invitation. Thus, you feel alone. Sometimes you have to count on me, myself, and I.
Some people make finding someone look effortless. That only means they've found the right person "for the moment." Simplified the effort by setting very low standards. Worst case scenario; they're totally desperate and settled for whatever dropped into their laps. If they're truly happy? That doesn't mean they haven't been through hell getting there. Sometimes they've persevered through rough seas and found their reward. They didn't give-up in self-defeat. Through a series of success and failures, they know exactly what they're looking for and deserve. That's me.
Some men resort to quickly finding your replacement; because he can't accept responsibility for his own failure within the broken relationship. Losers/users/abusers are often in need of a "caretaker" in his life. A live-in maid and having sex on-demand. Someone to cook, clean, and to sex him when he needs it. It's purely custodial. They find a woman to "fill a position," and have no real feelings. You're like an employee. They just want to make sure dinner is ready when they get home, and they have a warm bed. Meanwhile; the clock's ticking! His faults catch up with him!
They don't do a damned thing to correct or improve themselves. They simply look for a vulnerable woman, and use her until she figures him out; and dumps his sorry ass.
Most cheaters cheat, because they know they're losers and will need an immediate replacement. So they search for and prey on women who like players. These lady-losers are kept on-hand for hard-times. They're called "just friends." That's what they say when you "snoop" and find text messages from their needy and pathetic harem. I don't snoop. I don't have trust issues. I believe what my eyes witness in action, and what my brain can accurately analyze. Then I react swiftly and with precision, only when I have my facts straight. This takes a lot of practice and self-discipline. I place no value on suspicion.
Some guys prey on drama-queens and women who love soap-opera romances. So they fulfill her need to emotionalize and dramatize her relationship, for all the world to observe her. As she goes through her woe and distress. She faints, and falls back on the sofa; with her forearm to her forehead in agony. Tears streaming down her face! So frail and so vulnerable. Proclaiming: "Men are pigs!" Seriously?!! Either don't eat pork, or learn to make healthier choices!
It's not the woman's fault entirely, however; it is symptomatic of a woman who places her entire worth on having a man. Any man. Just to have one! She forgets what she's supposed to do when there isn't one around; or if she finds herself stuck with a poor excuse for manhood. Do take blame for bad choices, don't find fault in who you are as a woman. That's going too far. You're human. We all make mistakes, and nobody's perfect! People who are perfect, are delusional narcissists!!!
Nature purposely makes finding a good match difficult. There are trials and tribulations. A lot of time may lapse in finding treasure. You look and search, and you happen upon "fool's gold" from time to time. You think you have a gem, and find out it's cheap glass! He looked so good, and felt so good; but he ain't no good! Been there, and done that too!
I'm a gay man. Experiencing the same trials and errors in the dating scene. I was fortunate in finding my match at 17, and we remained happily together for 28 years of our lives. He died of cancer seven years ago. I've met my share of winners and losers since. Some have become good friends, because that was what it was meant to be. I have only one "ex-boyfriend!" Others are intruders on my life, resting on the curb where rubbish belongs; waiting to be carried away by some fool with a garbage truck. I don't attach feelings until I know what I'm doing. That's just me. I don't have a list of exes! Patience is what I'm known for amongst my friends. They've learned from me, and me from them.
That's how it goes, sister! Take your time and be patient.
You've lived long enough to know that love isn't waiting by the doorstep like the morning paper. You have to be available. You have to become your own best friend during the man-drought. You fix what requires maintenance and repair as an individual. Fight off pessimism and cynicism with all your might. A positive-attitude glows from within. The good-vibe you transmit makes you totally desirable to people, not just men. You need friends too. They get you through the hard-times, when you're feeling sorry for yourself; and blaming yourself when love decides to go on vacation on another planet. Everyone seems happy but you during these times. Good friends and your family help you forget your troubles, and remind you of how human and loveable you are.
Like yourself. It will change your whole outlook. Stop with the self-deprecation and self-pity. It makes you look fat!
No offense, it's just a joke we gays use on each other!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2014): What I wonder is if these men leave your life so easily then how do they arrive in the first place? I'm thinking of the old saying "easy come, easy go" ..? I wonder if you are just too loving and too accepting of them initially and so keen to make something work that you are accepting men into your life without getting to know them well enough first. I think the other readers are right - nothing wrong with you just you are being too willing to make a go of things with men who show an interest in you - and I know how easy this is when we are a bit older and fed up of being alone ...inwardly prize yourself in a way that you don't do at the moment - do the opposite of what you do now and, instead of putting yourself down, learn to award yourself the highest praise, as if you were praising a wonderful best friend. Outwardly, walk tall, keep up your appearances but get to know men a bit more first - try volunteer groups or any social group where men are likely to meet more regularly with women there too - whatever might suit you...so that you can get more of an idea of whether a man is worth even getting involved in. Don't withdraw or shy away or put yourself down no matter how tempting it might feel. The men you've associated with so far are just those idiot kind of men that never grow up regardless of their age and just treat women as disposable goods - they're everywhere, but you haven't learned to filter them out yet.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2014): Some men are c**ks, that's for sure. But a lot of men are not and a lot of men would love to have you in their life, I'm sure. A lot of men are loyal, honest and loving.
Perhaps you could learn to be comfortable with yourself more. You're your own best friend, or at least you should be. if you crave a man too much, perhaps that comes across as being desperate, which to a lot of men is a big no-no. I'm sorry if this is hurtful or indeed wrong.
Keep your head up, be strong, you'll get through this. Soon you'll meet a man with smiling eyes who will adore you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2014): The reason your men are moving on and finding someone else so quickly may be that they are playing the field and, once they have had their fun with you, they move on to have fun with someone else. So it could be that you are going for the wrong men - the exciting ones that sweep you off your feet are probably having fun playing the field. So go for personality over looks as I have found that the less good looking men are usually funnier, kinder, more considerate and more reliable. There is nothing wrong with you at all. I am 55 and have been single for over 7 years since I broke up with my ex husband. I would love to meet a new man and form a good and long lasting relationship but, like you, it hasn't yet happened for me. And I stress the YET. If you want it to happen, it will happen. But you will have to do some work for it to happen.Join clubs where the membership is flux and constantly moving with new people joining all the time. For example, a mixed walking group or a dancing group like ceroc. Ceroc dancing is great as you don't need a partner, you can go on your own, and many single men join in the hope to find a lovely lady. The internet is also a good option.Once you are dating a man, don't sleep with him too soon - no matter what your age, this is important. It is good to find out the man really wants to spend quality time with you before you jump into bed. Getting to know someone out of bed is very different to in bed. Also, be light and fun with you are with him, don't badger him with texts or phone calls every day - sit back and observe how often he contacts you and follow his pace. Men hate being chased.I really do hope that this helps. I do feel your frustration as I am in the same situation. Maybe 2015 will be the year we both meet our dream man :-).
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2014): Perhaps nothing is wrong with you. Maybe you should set your heart on another guy. Let's be honest you are chasing guys that you are not compatible with. Do you like to spend time with your man? Do you like for your guy to show you some affection? Try smiling more this week and flirting with other guys. Go out on a date, and don't allow yourself to be attached to a guy before you get to know him. Take the time to make sure you and him have the same interest. Ask lots of questions before committing to another dead end relationship. You are beautiful! Don't settle for less. Hope to hear about your new relationship soon.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2014): Nothing is wrong with you, it's just men sometimes suck. Have you tried going after different types of men. Looking for men in different places like the grocery store or a coffee shop. If you go out shopping and come back empty handed, most men would call that a keeper! Keep looking and remain positive. No man should ever make you feel meaningless, you just need to keep trying and the right one will turn up.
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