A
female
age
36-40,
*e130172
writes:My husband and i have been married for almost two years. I know we are new and young but I am worried that we have problems that I can't fix. When we were engaged he gambled away $500 of our savings behind my back then confessed. Then after one year of marriage he did it again, only this time tried to lie about it. I told him that I had lost my trust in him and it would take time but he would have to earn it back. I also said if it ever happened again I was gone, because I will not be the unhappy wife over money issues. He admitted that he thinks he has a gambling problem, but that he can control it. Then last night we had both been drinking and he started yelling at me for unrelated reasons, then he confessed that he had lied a few days ago about a car problem and had actually gambled the $650 dollars. I don't know what to do. He also works at a casino as a blackjack dealer. I am so hurt by the lie and feel like maybe we love each other so much, but what if it is impossible for me to trust him again or be happy in this relationship. I want to work it out but how?
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female
reader, ne130172 +, writes (28 July 2013):
ne130172 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn this case blacklisted means he is not allowed to enter the casino or any of its related establishments. He also is barred from the casino that he works at, and those two are the only casinos near us. He closed his personal bank account so only has the joint account, and he does not take any of his tips home from work, they all are put onto his check because they split tips between all workers. He is taking steps, and at this point that is all I can ask. At this point I am just trying to figure out how to rebuild our relationship, because he is a wonderful person, he just has made some large mistakes. His major goal is to start a family with me, so in order for me to be able to take that step in life he has to commit to fixing us first.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 July 2013):
 Okay, now you *really* need to wake up.
You equate your ability for yourself to open up a credit card account with everything being okay? Not a chance. That only means he hasn't yet defaulted.
Run the credit reports for each of the free agencies. They are free and your right once per year, so you lose nothing.
Blacklisting is laughable. That simply means he won't be using a player's card when he gambles. Do you think that they'll seriously spend the time and manpower keeping him from being inside there?
I'm also not sure how his casino pays him, but some casinos pay tokes (tips) separately and in cash. I'm guessing his paycheck fluctuates based on the shifts he takes. Do you have any idea how easy it is to hide funds from you? I would bet ANYTHING he's skimming from his income.
You know he has a problem, but your head is still planted in the sand. I say this for your own good, and also my own friend got stung by a fiance who took out a couple of credit cards using her info online. Next thing you know, he racked them up to the hilt and talked his way into getting them not to press charges. Her head was in the sand too like yours is, and later on, he stole from my parents to support a hidden prescription drug habit.
Your response is miniscule and gravely inadequate. He can talk out of counseling because it would "piss him off"? That right there shows that he is unrepentant and will not stop until you are either divorced or you actually start really taking measures.
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A
female
reader, ne130172 +, writes (26 July 2013):
ne130172 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your advice guys. We had a talk and he felt, obviously, that he is not an addict. However I told him even if he doesn't feel he is addicted, the gambling is still a major problem causing issues in our relationship and finances and taking a toll on us being together. So, action needs to be taken. Today we went in together and got him blacklisted from the casino by us, and he is unable to gamble at the casino that he works at because of the employee rules. So for the next year he cannot gamble at any of the casinos near us. That is a step in the right direction. Basically I told him that if he didn't take the steps that I wanted to see that I would be gone. I also told him that it is his responsibility to find a way to pay off the debt that he just created, and in response he immediately put his car rims up for sale. I told him that this in no way fixes our problems, but that it is a big step in a direction that shows he is willing to take action to save our relationship because at this point I am not happy and things need to change.As for the credit thing, I know he has no credit due to a forclosure, and I know my credit is good because I just took out a line of credit which is only in my name. Hopefully these steps he is taking leads us back to where we need to be. He said that counseling would just piss him off, but I have not written it off as an option for myself to just work to regain the trust in my relationship.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 July 2013):
Listen, you really need to run a credit report on him, because it's WAY WAY WAY more than $500 or $650 that he's gambled. I wouldn't be surprised to find hidden credit cards, because once gambling has become a compulsive problem, it's usually already into the $10,000+ level. Check his 401(k) if he has one, secret credit card accounts he's made cash advances from, the whole nine yards.
Get his Social Security Number and run a credit report on him. I hope to hell you won't find what I'm thinking you will.
Also, listen. If he is a blackjack dealer, that means usually that he's barred from gambling at the casino he works at. Casinos usually do not let their employees gamble where they work. This means he's most likely going to a competing casino. Drinking, gambling, even blackjack has the ability to suck tons of money out of you before you know it.
Do NOT put your head in the sand over this one. It wasn't a one or two time thing where you can simply put a "If it happens again" Band-Aid on it. DO NOT TELL HIM you're going to run a credit report on him. Just do it, which will reveal any serious covert activity. Run one on yourself too, because he knows your personal info, and all it takes is for him to apply online for a credit card account in your name with him as an authorized cardholder, have the bills sent to a Post Office Box (does he always insist on getting the mail at your house?), and next thing you know thousands upon thousands of dollars later...your credit is destroyed and you're in bankruptcy court.
Gambling is fun. However, if he's concealing activity from you, you only know the very bare tip of the whole truth, and it ain't fun anymore.
Time to do some digging. It needs to be done NOW.
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A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (25 July 2013):
He needs to admit he has a problem and get help. He is an addict. And he really needs to control it because he works at a casino where the temptation is huge. He could be going to work and losing more money after work than he made. Also, you need to be the one that manages the money. Maybe put the savings in an account that only you can access. Otherwise, he could be gambling away all the money, leaving you guys nothing for bills and food.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2013): He needs to get professional help. And working at a casino is about as dumb as someone can be when you have a gambling problem. This is way bigger than you or he can handle on your own. He is going to wipe you out financially if you don't seek help soon.You need to have separate accounts. Immediately. If he was able to control it, then it would not continue to keep happening. He cannot gamble with anything, ever. It's like saying an alcoholic can control their drinking...um no. If they could, they wouldn't be an alcoholic.Lying runs parallel with addiction. It's how they justify what they are doing, make excuses and try to make the poor choice, just go away. His admitting what he's done could be a good sign that he is remorseful, but the problem is there is no accountability and he is able to do it again. You do it once and realize what the consequences are, learn from it and not make the same choice again. He has only learned that he is forgiven, the cash loss didn't hurt that bad and he can do it again, even if he really knows he shouldn't.
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