A
female
age
36-40,
*airy_Lu
writes:Im so unsure what to do i have been seeing my current boyfriend for a month and its very long distance and ive only seen him a few times in that time. And im going through alot of things this year including the sudden passing of my grandad and i feel i rushed into this relationship i just dont think that it will work but he is so sure he loves me and im not even sure how i even feel. And i cant tell him as his best friend passed away suddenly and i cant hurt him anymore i just dont know what i should do.
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best friend, long distance Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Fairy_Lu +, writes (18 September 2007):
Fairy_Lu is verified as being by the original poster of the question Wll my first serious relationship was with a man 7 years older then me it seemed great he moved down to be with me then i moved in with him he lost his job and i had 3 to pay rent he then accused me of cheating and kicked me out and then posted dirty pics of me on the net and it turned out he was cheating on me all the time, and my last boyfriend dumped my by text 4 days after my grandads funeral, during the 2 years i was abused i was in bits a shadow of my former self but i have had counselling and all sorts im happy with me and my life and i have alot of love to give and share and thats what i do, me and my current boyfriend are now taking things slow so i can gain his trust i dont want to hurt him like ive been hurt and i do love him to bits but its trust that i cant deal with
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (16 September 2007):
 You are a very caring person. He's lucky to have someone in his life to care as you do.
Thank you for being up front about the past you had experienced, that must be very difficult to deal with. You are strong to have made it through that much trauma in your life. Knowing this new information I have to ask this. How have your other relationships been? I know this is taking your question in a bit of a different direction, but is it possible you're not ready for this relationship because past trauma is preventing you from being ready.
Let me explain in a personal story, and one that began my challenges in finding out why? "Before my daughters mother and I split up, I'd never heard of red flags in relationships. I had been cheated on numerous times prior to her. Of course, being cheated on also caused me to go into the relationship fearing it happening again. After our separation, I began studying and trying to find answers. When we were together, I enjoyed being with her, but I didn't do the romance to keep her. What I found was I was incapable of feeling love for someone. By being cheated on my subconscious was consumed with red flags (warnings). Once I would get to a certain level of positive emotions they were like a stop sign and stop my emotions from progressing at that point. It was hard because after spending the time to eliminate the red flags, this huge flood of emotions (people call love) flooded me like a dam just broke and the river came rushing down. I was extremely overwhelmed." I did end up loosing her, but learning a lot about trauma and how it works. One of the main points of this is: you can't give yourself to a relationship, until you've dealt with the trauma of the past. Take care.
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A
female
reader, Fairy_Lu +, writes (16 September 2007):
Fairy_Lu is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your replies ive just kept things the same as they were before he is one of the few people who know about my past and my rape/drugs/ self harming and sexual and physical abuse and actualy didnt run a mile when i told him, and ive lost so many people in my life i easily deal with death so im doing my best to get him through this till i find the right time to tell him how i feel i couldnt stand to hurt him anymore.Thank you for taking the time to read this and respond
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A
male
reader, Tommy7 +, writes (14 September 2007):
It's O.K. to continue to see him, but you should make it clear you like him as a friend and you're not ready to fall in love.
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A
female
reader, leanne.od +, writes (14 September 2007):
 please, do not tell him yet. if you don't see him that much anyway, what's a couple more weeks? his friend passing will have been alot harder to deal with than your grandad because although you were undoubtedly close to him, imagine if your friend died, you'd be a wreck. i beleive you shouldn't stay in a relationship you're not happy with but from experience if he gets any lower he may decide to harm hiself if nothing goes his way. give it time, and then break his heart gently.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (14 September 2007):
If you're not sure about the relationship. You need to tell him you're not ready for one. He's having a hard time, but it sounds like you are too. Let him know all though you're not ready for a relationship, you'll still be there if he needs a "friend" to talk too. Grief can take a short time, or a long time depending on the person. If it takes a long time, how long can you wait before having to tell him how you feel.
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