A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:sorry this is a bit long...I can't believe at my age I still get hurt from the way my own mother treats me. I am not holding any grudges towards her and I am not talking about the past, no, I am talking about the present. It surprises me that she "my mother", who suffered the most as a young girl from a controlling mother who favoured her son more-my grandmother did favour my uncle over my mother - would do the same with us 2 daughter from her 5 children. My mother has 4 daughters and 1 son. I'm daughter number 4 and my brother is younger than me. My mother resented me since I was born. She was not happy to have another girl. My mother is very traditional, got married at a young age 17 years old and I remember she mentioned her neighbours -who had their first born a boy - used to make fun of her when I was born as daughter number four, my mother wanted a son badly, she has him but she neglegated me and I grow up basically looking after myself. I could never go to her with anything bothering me, never got any support from her. On the contrary we girls look after her since we were little.My mother never worked and she is a mother who told us kids once and again how we would never have achieved anything in life without her, she told us again and again how grateful we should be that she gave birth to us.I used to feel intimated by her, I used to try very hard to excel in everything, hoping that way she will love me. She used and still favours my sister the one before me who reminded my mom as a baby of her own dad -grandfather - and she favours my oldest sister who is for her trusted advisor and of course she favours my brother who is her only son. My own mother does not value me at all. I call her everyday to check in on her, go see visit her at least once a week and she hurts my feelings everyday by her remarks about me. She does not value me anyway and to make things even worse I never got married - I had good relationships and bad ones, I gave love and never got love back and I ended up alone with a broken heart. I am independent, take good care of my body and myself, very intelligent, highly educated, live by myself, has a good job and good friends but nothing I do is good enough for my mother, she will brag about me behind my back to my siblings but never she appreciates or recognizes anything I've accomplished to me directly. If I late at work and don't call my mother she'll call me to ask why I didn't call her. She copies me in anything i do, she never wishes me a good trip if I am travelling and she always thinks about herself and how she TOO wanted to do whatever I do, whether I am travelling to the UK or going out with some friends or buying rain boots or buying something as simple as a hat. You could tell from her face she is not happy for me , you could tell she is jealous. She has friends and she travels and goes out a lot. I reached the point where I am scared to do anything or buy anything anymore. She will ask where did I go and what did I get and how much..etc. I can't take the way my mother treats me anymore, what should I do? She is not happy and I feel she does not want me to be happy either. Any idea how can I cope with this situation? Any good advice is much appreciated. Thanks in advance.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2013): This is classic narcissism. Search Dr. Karyl McBride, she wrote a great book for daughters of narcissistic mothers.
The key for you is to realize that she doesn't just NOT love you, she doesn't love your siblings, either. She isn't capable of caring about anyone other than herself. And while it may appear that she preferences your siblings over you, realize that they simply feed her narcissitic supply. It's always going to be about how others meet HER needs, whether they're physical, sexual, emotional or WHATEVER. These types of people are vampires waiting to suck you dry and move onto their next victim.
Best advice - RUN!!!!!! Run as fast and as far as you can.
A
female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (17 June 2013):
 Your mother treats you this way for the very reason that her mother treated her badly. It doesn't make it right or excuse her behaviour, but it's a reason.
I think the only thing you can realistically do for yourself (because this should be about you, not her) is to remove yourself from this situation. Distance yourself from her, don't call her anymore. What's the point, if she only ever puts you down and treats you like dirt? Sometimes you just have to give up on a person. It's a shame because your mother should be someone you can rely on, who will do anything for you, but not everyone has a warm, loving mother.
I hope that you have good friends that you can lean on. It will be hard breaking away from her and you'll need support. You might also consider counselling, as this kind of toxic mother-daughter relationship can have repercussions further down the line.
Some victims of abuse are able to break the vicious cycle whereas others go on to abuse their own children. Make sure that you're one of the former.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2013): I agree with the other posters, I am in a similar situation and age group. It's all about creating boundaries and telling her to stop as soon as she starts something. Tell her you will not tolerate it. At first she will try to steam roll you into your typical reactions but stick with it pretend shes your bad toddler and your punishing her for her own good. Do it thru love and care but firm and strong in your convictions. Dont look for approval from her validate yourself . She will either get it or not but you must preserve your sanity. Dont feel bad feel happy and strong in your demand for proper behavior and boundaries. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (17 June 2013):
 I'll focus on this segment, from the end of your submittal:
"I can't take the way my mother treats me anymore, what should I do? She is not happy and I feel she does not want me to be happy either. Any idea how can I cope with this situation? Any good advice is much appreciated. Thanks in advance."
1. There is no denying that you (and all your siblings) were affected by your Mother's behaviour toward you (all) when you were growing up.... AND, it HAS influenced all of you - like it, or not.
2. Few parents would ever admit to ".... not wanting their children to be happy..." I'd guess that you're reacting to your Mother's demands... and that that reaction takes away from your time to do those pleasant things that you would like to do. Ergo, you don't get TIME to "be happy"....
Finally, in life, a crazy reversal happens when parents get old(er), and children grow up (become adults). That is somewhat as you have described. YOU are the "adult" in what goes on between you and your Mother.... so take that status, AND DON'T CEDE IT (BACK) TO HER.
You have to steel yourself to know that your Mother's barbs are coming... and that you will no longer react to them (no longer let her have "control"). It may be that you will have to find a different - but appropriate - distance to stay away from her.... But adequate distance such that you can maintain your sanity....
I've heard this cliche, lately, and it came to mind as I was reading your submittal..... "If we let someone "get to us" (about most anything)... it's like we are letting them live, rent-free, in your head..." Don't let your Mother do that. YOU take and keep control of your life... and make it what YOU want it to be!!!!
Good luck....
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (17 June 2013):
 As adults we have the right to choose who will be in our lives. Choosing people who build us up, affirm us, challenge us to be better, and support us, makes us stronger and more healthy emotionally. Negative, jealous, vindictive people do the opposite -- they drain our emotional energy and hold us back from reaching our potential.
Just because someone is a parent does not mean we are obligated to have them in our lives. It's not like you're a teenager who's having a tiff over what time your curfew is -- you're middle-aged. It sounds like your mother's current pattern of behaviour is of long-standing. She's not going to change and there's nothing you can do about it.
So you're left with a choice. Do nothing, and continue to be brought down by this nasty person. Or decide that you will no longer allow negative people in your life.
Because you have siblings it's not like cutting her off would put her in jeopardy -- they can help out when ageing means she needs more care and supervision. However, because you're likely to resist the idea of cutting her off altogether, let me suggest this. For the next month keep track of every conversation you have with her. Make detailed notes of the hurtful things she says. Then warn her that you won't put up with it any more -- you'll be armed with specific examples. When she says something nasty on the phone, tell her that you warned her, then hang up. Make it clear that her behaviour, and hers alone, will determine whether the two of you continue to have a relationship.
Personally I think you'll end up having to cut all contact with her. That's sad, it's unfortunate, but it's the healthy choice for you to make.
Best of luck.
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