A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for some years now. We have 3 children together. He has 4, another from a previous relationship that he never gets to see because things ended badly. So when we first got together, he vaguely referenced his family being part of the reason they broke up (as well as they had their own issues as a couple). When she had gotten PG, his father even went as far as saying she should get an abortion and she wasn't ever welcome on their family farm. They own a lot of land on which his father, grandfather and aunt have their own houses. We had lived away from them. When I had became pg, his father encouraged him to get a DNA test. So I had issues with his father since then. We recently moved nearby and I have to interact with them a lot now. I keep my distance from his father. It's very uncomfortable because I'm used to having a close-knit family. I come from that. I get along pretty well with his aunt. His grandfather and I were doing well but since the beginning of this year, hes changed. So this where we're at: I can't get along with these people. They're conniving and arrogant and quarrelsome. They've driven so many people away over the years, so much that all they really have are each other. His aunt keeps her distance as well and even living on the same acreage, they only see her a few times a month. I love my boyfriend. Hes not my husband but we've always agreed that we don't really need that title. We have three kids together and I love our family deeply, but I love us without his family. It's perfect when they're not around. It drives me crazy when they are. I've thought this over for months, and if we have to break up, it would hurt beyond a doubt, but I cannot go on anymore. I cannot be around so much backstabbing and fighting and I don't want my kids to grow up around this. But I also don't want to lose our family. I love him. But I can't ask him to just give up his family. And this is where I'm stuck.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (24 May 2019):
 Now that you’ve added this: tell your boyfriend he needs to have a word with them and be on your side going forward or you will leave. From the sounds of it, I’m not sure his ex-girlfriend situation is on her, considering how toxic his family is and how your boyfriend doesn’t care.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2019): Sorry, I meant 4 children in total. 3 are ours, and 1 with another woman. He says he tries to see the boy, but his mom is unreasonable and argumentative and so its difficult to see him.Everyone seems to have an issue with us not being married. I think that's an issue in itself. The way things are going, I don't see marriage in our future. I dont really know if we'll be together much longer. In fact, shortly after writing this post. I had a confrontation with the grandfather and father indirectly. My son was in time out. Unbeknownst to me, there were plans for my son to go with bfs dad. I'm always getting left out of these plans. They tend to only ask my bf if they can do things with the kids and I'm not sure why. In fact, they treat my bf as if hes the main authority. Sure he makes the money, but I raise the kids. So he was in time out and I said he couldn't go, maybe later but at the time I wasn't sure. Shortly after, the grandpa comes over and bfs dad calls him and they proceed to talk about how I'm keeping my son away and I dont want to be a part of their family. It's not untrue. I have my reasons aside from their entire attitudes. Usually my son comes home smelling like an ashtray, dirty, hyperactive because he eats nothing but ice cream, and hes obnoxious and disrespectful. Bfs dad also has a gf who I dont really know but have actually had the pleasure of being a victim of her lying. She got me kicked out completely from bfs dad's house. I dont know why or what she said but one day he called my bf and had a lot to say about me. They never really say anything to me. They'll fight with him about me, but I've directly beared their blows. But after they complained he took our son to his father's and he stayed there all day and today and have made further plans for the weekend. I feel really disrespected and depressed. I feel like I have no agency as a mother and nobody on my side to defend me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2019): I do not get along with my husband's family. They were/are very hostile towards me because they wanted to have a say in the girl that their son chose (it's a cultural thing) and let's just say I am very very different from the girls they're used to. For my part I did the best I could initially but then I saw that it's pointless. They are dysfunctional, downright odd and don't really understand goodness. I keep my son away from the toxic environment as well. I have never forbidden my husband from seeing them but I've made it crystal clear that I will have nothing to do with them. He agrees and has never forced me into an uncomfortable situation. He keeps his interaction to a minimum as well.My advice to you is very simple. If you don't like them then you don't have to interact with them. You totally have that choice. Don't go to their place. Be civil to them when they visit you but don't bend over backwards to please them.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (23 May 2019):
Firstly, marriage is important for the security of your children, regardless of how you feel about the titles. You don't have to have a full blown wedding or anything religious, but it would be wise to be legally married for the security.In terms of his family, pick your battles. You don't need to interact with them any more than you want to. For years, my mum never went with my dad to see his parents because she'd had enough of his mum putting her down. Now that his mum is in her 80s and has softened a little, my mum volunteers to go with my dad to see her. My dad supported her in that because he didn't want her to subject herself to negative comments, but he also wanted to keep his relationship with his family, albeit not a close one.As a side note, what's your boyfriend doing to reach the other 4 of his 7 kids? What about when your 3 want to know the other 4? He chose to have 4 children out of wedlock with one woman and 3 with another. No protections for the kids or solid legal visitation rights. Do you not find that odd? He should still be fighting to see them and be in their lives. Is he?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2019): You're forgetting something. You've concentrated all your concerns about how YOU feel about your boyfriend's family. You've given your critical-opinion and description of them. Odd that knowing all this, he still moves close-by? Isn't it strange he would still want to interact with them?
You can choose your boyfriends, but you can't choose their families. You can make the decision early-on in your courtship; whether you fit into their family, or if you foresee trouble down the road. It didn't stop you from having three children with a man from such a family as you've described. In marriage, the vows are for better or for worse. While unmarried, your options are open.
You are correct. He is not your husband. He is the father of your children, and your boyfriend. If he wants to be near his deplorable family; I guess he has every right to be. If he doesn't adequately protect you and his family; do what you have to do.
Apparently he's not as offended by their behavior as you are; or you would think he'd keep his family away from them. As far as the reasons why he broke-up with someone previously, you're really not in the position to place most of the blame on his family. Your boyfriend has a brain, a will, and can make his own decisions. You'd have to question HIS judgement if he can't!
By the way, "husband" and "wife" are not mere "titles." They represent a significant bond and commitment between a couple. It legitimizes family-ties and birthrights. It's a commitment recognized by the law and God; and it offers each partner within a marriage spousal-rights and protections. It's not as casual as just "titles!" For some, it is a moral-validation of your relationship; and the ultimate in trust between two people who love each other. Although these days people seem to loathe and detest what it truly stands for. Marriage doesn't bring divorce or incompatibility between people; people bring it to marriage!
If he gave-up on his previous family; ultimately that was HIS decision to make. Not being there to witness everything that happened, not knowing every intimate detail of what his relationship was like (for both parties involved); you can't fault anybody in particular.
Why won't his ex let him around their children? You weren't there, and you only have second-hand knowledge and information. It's obvious your opinion is biased; because you can't stand his family! Who apparently don't care for you either. Everyone else gets the blame, and your boyfriend doesn't own any of it???
We here at DC have only your description and story about his family; so even we have no right to judge them one way or another. No more than we can judge you or your boyfriend. We can only speculate and give advice based on the information you've submitted in your post.
The problem is this. If your boyfriend values their opinions; and he is heavily influenced by the advice of his parents and grandfather. Your concerns lie more with him than with his folks.
He's the one who has to be dedicated and devoted to you and your children. It is he who must be strong and protective of his family; in spite of the opinions or influences of others.
Outside-influences have relatively little effect on strong, well-established, and cohesive love/family-relationships. Families sometimes disagree, sometimes they quarrel, and sometimes they become divided. Things happen, we are all human; so the unexpected may cause temporary schisms or estrangement. That's a durability-test that all families go through. It ain't honey and apple pie always; but if love is real and established, it can withstand quite a lot!
If you love and trust each other, your relationships can endure the interference. Tight-nit relationships can fend-off a lot of adversarial-attacks from family, outside-intruders, or so-called friends. Why? Because love and security are built from within. Such bonds are tested by time, the depth of the love that connects the partnership will be challenged; and the trust that fuels it all, is stretched to the limit. As partners, you stand side-by-side; and you help each other through it. Common-sense says, let him do all the interacting with his folks; and just keep a healthy distance from them. Be polite and out of reach! When trouble starts, he's to blame. If he drags you into it; you have the choice to stay out of it, and a mouth to tell him exactly why!
If he knows his family-members are divisive trouble-makers...why would be move closer to them? Especially, knowing how you feel about them and how they feel about you?
It comes down to what you want for your kids and yourself. If your boyfriend loves his family, you have to bite the bullet and deal with the dynamic that constructs what he has as a family. They are his mother, father, and grandfather in spite of their ways. If he feels secure about you and his kids, why would you worry they're so intent on breaking-up your family? You may hate them from your own perspective; but you can't control how your boyfriend feels about his own parents, whether he becomes your husband or not. They're not perfect, but they're his.
You're not stuck. You have your own power and control over what you contend with out of your boyfriend and/or his family. When things get out of hand, and he doesn't seem to have his own partner and kids as his first priority; then the fate and future of the relationship shifts into your hands.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 May 2019):
 Talk to him.
While I agree that you can't really ask/demand him to give up his family, YOU yourself can CHOOSE to no longer interact with them.
He can still go see them. If they are good to the kids, the kids can still visit too. YOU on the other hand will just be "too busy" elsewhere.
Most people who live with/near a toxic family don't see the bigger picture. Which I would guess fits your BF.
When you bring this up, don't do it around the kids and don't USE old examples as to why you are fed up with is family (mostly the father?) and why you feel a need to not interact as much (or at all).
If you still get along with the aunt, I'd still visit/see her.
It doesn't have to be this "ultimatum" of ME or your family. Find a compromise that works for you both.
Maybe ... consider moving the whole family further away?
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