A
female
age
30-35,
*arahb
writes:I am a very open minded person, however my boyfriends friends are uneducated, beer-drinking, rowdy pub guys. That i can deal with as they're all decent enough people who I can see for my boyfriends sake. However his 2 closest friends are another story. One almost ended up in jail for getting in a fight. He is the type of person who goes around looking for violence, he drinks, smokes and takes way too many drugs and has disliked me ever since we met. Not that i care because the feeling is mutual. and also not to mention his girlfriend who involved me in their domestics and drama and now decided she hates me and is being completely highschool and childish about it - ie. sending bullying messages when i've only ever treated her like an adult. His other best friend went overseas and went missing for almost a month, caught up in drugs and gangs. He also lived with us briefly and had constant parties and took drugs at all hours until i spat the dummy and kicked him out. My boyfriend is terrible with confrontation, especially with his friends. I love my boyfriend and he has a lovely side that he shows around me but i don't want to be associated with these people and i can't believe he does either! My boyfriend hardly see's them anymore because I can't stand to be around them, despite my attempts to coexist with them. I was brought up well, attended university and have a degree and while i like to drink and have a good time, i just do not belong in this world. Gosh someone tell me what to do that doesn't involve making my boyfriend choose between me and his best mates.
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female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (31 May 2012):
 Quit focusing on his friends and find new ones. Once you change your social circle alot of these problems will go away. You have to introduce your boyfriend to new friends. You have to make plans with other people and be less available to the drama-queens of his past. Change your phone numbers if you have to.
A
female
reader, sarahb +, writes (28 May 2012):
sarahb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd i forgot one more thing @Cerberus; they ARE directly influencing my boyfriend. Whenever he is with them, that's when he gets into the drugs and dangers. I worry myself stupid when he goes somewhere with them. My boyfriend has told me a thousand stories of them & drugs & near death experiences, including having an accident while high. They are a terrbile influence on him. They're idea of a good time is to get high constantly, whilst talking about other times they were high. They have both dislike & have previously told my boyfriend I am not suitable - obviously because they like him to be like them, a million miles away from me.
Another example of them impacting on our relationship is, for my boyfriends birthday i organised a trip away, a long way away. His friend & his girlfriend found out, asked where we were staying.. Without asking, they booked the SAME HOTEL & ended up staying in the room next to us with a bunch of people. I ended up having to see them with my boyfriend, all they did is sit around and take drugs. So much for a romantic trip away.
Influencing him & our relationship, hurting me directly? I think so.
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A
female
reader, sarahb +, writes (28 May 2012):
sarahb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi All, thanks for the advice. To answer a few queries;
Why are they best friends? They are his best friends because one have them has known him since year 1. While i respect this long attachment, i don't think that exempts him from any behaviour because he has the status of 'best friend'. Often my boyfriend will say something along the lines of.. "i have tried, but that's how he is and i have to accept him". The other best friend is tied to him by their previous wild ways. Because yes, my boyfriend was very similar to them before i met him. He has started to grow up and thus, has less in common with them, otherwise i wouldn't be with him. With both of them, i assume they are very loyal and i've heard the phrase "i'd take a bullet".
Why am i asking this question? If they weren't interferring in my life or my relationship, i would just steer clear of them but they ARE. It is tense whenever we have to be around each other, one of their girlfriends is causing me all sorts of headaches & previously dragged me right into the middle of their relationship AND staged huge domestics & break ups in my house until the point that i refused to go places where they were to avoid the drama. Now she has become agressive, rude & childish, making an already tense situation much worse. She has now made it impossible to even coexist in the same place, despite my several attempts to speak to her maturely, which has put a huge strain on our boyfriends friendship.
The other guy LIVED with me despite me not wanting it. My boyfriend insisted so he could 'keep an eye on him', this was just before he disappeared overseas & was kidnapped by some gang & put my boyfriend & his family through hell. He also rang me while he was living in my house & left a voicemail he didn't realise he was leaving. Judgemental about my 'sheltered' life to say the least.
@Cerberus; while it may sound snobby to say i was brought up well & have a degree, this is how i set myself apart from these people. I wouldn't have to make this distinction if there wasn't an obvious clash. None of his friends have been to been to uni, which I have no problem with, but are obviously from a completely different crowd. Pretty much all my friends i have met through uni or school. Many of my good friends are now doctors or lawyers, & my boyfriend gets along with them great. Sometimes i just worry he thinks they aren't cool enough because they don't take drugs & have crazy drug-related stories.
Any further advice would be great.
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (26 May 2012):
It's simple. You're bound to have some smart, nice girlfriends and they're bound to have some decent boyfriends so maybe it's time to set up some date nights with other couples where the men have responsible jobs and don't pick fights and end up in jail. The problem is your boyfriend has outgrown these friends he just hasn't figured it out yet. Once you expose him to other guys who are more suitable couple-friends he'll begin to make the transition on his own. But one word of caution here; guys can be freakishly loyal to their old friends. And if you become "too grown up" he'll cling to their wreckless ways like a middle-aged man grabbing at the twigs of his youth. Tread softly here. It has to appear that he has made this decision on his own. Exposure is the key. Once he is exposed to better types of guy-friends the more likely he will see how dumb his old ones are and let them go. You must be patient. Give him time to connect to other guys and "bond" with them in a way that doesn't involve drugs and strippers.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2012): He must have been like them once himself, they must have been close. He has found you now, he has changed, but you don't know what made them all close.He may well choose to leave them behind as he moves on in life, they can't have much in common now.However they must have proved themselves to be true friends of his at some point and he is loyal to them.You may have had a charmed life so far but not everyone has, once you have been educated by life,had a few knocks, you may not be so judgemental.Unless they threaten you personally then there is not a problem here.Perhaps this guy is not for you,perhaps you should pick somebody who has all the qualities and nice friends you want. Don't make him choose between you and his mates.No woman worth anything would drop her friends for some guy who doesn't like them would they?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2012): Be careful following Tisha's advice OP, NeilRaghav is right you need to figure out what true value they bring to his life before you go making demands.
I have friends who are serial cheaters, treat the women they date really badly and I hate that but they are exceptional friends, loyal to a fault that would take a bullet for me and bring great things to my life. We all have some friends who do things we don't approve of but are good to us.
I've taken lots of drugs in the past and am not one to shy away from a fight either if attacked but I'm also the guy who will cover you in a blanket if you pass out, hold back your hair for the hour that you're getting sick and will do anything to help and protect my friends.
The true worth of a friend is not the lifestyle they lead nor the bad choices they make OP, no one's perfect.
I wouldn't go robbing your boyfriend of good friends just because you don't like how they live their life. You don't have to like them nor accept them in your life but if they're good to your boyfriend and he's not getting caught up in the same things as them then it would be a mistake to deny your boyfriend that. You'd be surprized how having friends who make such mistakes can have a positive influence anyway, I've seen friends get addicted to drugs and those cheater guys too have taught me lessons on how not to behave.
I have a rule in life OP, one which I've enacted many times, I hate people who make ultimatums if someone asks me to choose then they're not the one I choose. Guys who dump good friends because their girlfriends don't like them don't get very far in life OP.
Look if they're not directly hurting you, not directly influencing your boyfriend to do bad things or treat you badly and they're good to him. Accept that. Just stick to your guns like you did the guy who was living with you and make sure they don't cross any lines with you.
"I was brought up well, attended university and have a degree and while i like to drink and have a good time, i just do not belong in this world."
That sounds very snobbish to me OP, you will fuck up from time to time, you will have bad periods in your life too, would you want your friends to dump you in those circumstances?
Look just make sure you don't let them cross the line with you but you can't control how they behave or how they live. If they start to mess with you or your relationship then step up and protect that, tell your boyfriend to grow a back bone with them too.
Just be very careful not to make him choose, even if he does choose you then your boyfriends loyalty is questionable to you too. Because someone he cares more about than you may make them choose between you and them, and you'll lose.
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A
male
reader, NeilRaghav  +, writes (25 May 2012):
well we can clearly see that the friends are not really a good company.
do u know why they are his best frnds?
i have a frnd very similar to these guys but he once saved my life
so i suggest u first get to know their importance in his life.
and then take any step
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (25 May 2012):
 If he's not hanging around with them any more, there's no problem, right?The question could be titled "I don't want to be associated with his friends who are druggies, criminals and gang members."If these are his two closest friends, well then, maybe that tells you something. "Babe, I love you. I don't love G who is a violent person. I don't love H who is a drug dealer. As much as I hate this, you will have to choose. Me or G and H."You do have the right to ask him to choose.Be brave.
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