A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:I am finding things difficult in my relationship. I have been tackling low self-esteem using CBT online, a really good self help book and will shortly start counselling. I had two broken marriages, but am friends with my first husband who is the father of my small son. The second husband appeared to worship me (which I obviously craved because of the low self-esteem) but turned out to be controlling and abusive. Now I have a relationship with a lovely man who I knew when I was a teenager. I know he can be trusted. I have challenged him quite a lot while I have tested this out but he has passed on every front and I love him dearly. (I am sorry that I put him through it, but feel it was probably inevitable because of my past.) My relationships have all been about extremes and I am very sensitive, so I have had an awful lot to get through in trying to settle down. I am intelligent so I know where all this has come from and where I need to get to. Trouble is I am plagued still with self doubt, am overly critical of myself and find that I have some quite bad emotional swings. My partner too is having a lot of the above too, has trouble sleeping, digestive trouble etc and compensates with alcohol. Sometimes he gets up at night and I have found him on the sofa staring into space. He is getting divorced and is worried about his job and our money situation. I find these issues very stressful but try to support as much as I possibly can - he says I am over-empathising and should just ignore it because he needs me to be steady. As well as trying to settle into a healthy relationship and park previous demons, I am trying to keep a lid on my feelings about our surrounding issues to protect him. (If I said that in front of him he would laugh and say that I am most definitely failing to do that.) This morning I made him a cup of coffee and he criticised it saying I should not put the milk in first, which is something he told me yesterday, but I was in a rush. I emptied it down the sink because it was exasperating, he told me it was yet another example of my extreme moods. I just felt, if someone bothers to make a person coffee why bother being critical, why not just drink it? If it were me – I would just be grateful to have it. Then I found he had started my car to melt the ice, which was kind. I felt bad and cried on the way to work. Perhaps all he was doing was asking me to remember how he likes his coffee.Do you see my trouble? It is very important to me that despite our very tough time at the moment, that I do not become destructive by being oversensitive. Yet I need to feel appreciated in the sense that I need it acknowledged that this time is stressful for me too. It does not help me to say I should not be empathising. I often feel that what I say and do is wrong and that my voice and feelings are not relevant because I am now labelled as over-sensitive.Last night I tried to make a comment about a film we were watching and he told me I was over-analysing again. In my mind I was just exercising my intellect, I was not being controversial. I feel that everything in my mind is becoming clouded by this label I have now of being over analytical and emotional. Yet he is right to say that I sometimes have trouble governing my emotions because I take things too personally. Does it mean that I can not express myself over a film?When I have talked to him about CBT and what I am trying to achieve with it, he brushes it off. He says the key to my freedom lies within me and I know he considers people who need this help as weak. He said he looked up to me and finds it hard to think that I would need it, that I should be able to sort out my own issues and just “stop” the emotional flashes by myself.What I very badly need is to know how to survive this period. Sometimes I think I need anti-depressants because while I want to become more self-confident I could do with some calm and an extra boost of rationality. Most of all I want to make this relationship as great as it often is, without the mood stuff. Is it really all me that is doing this, or is he contributing? I just can not see the wood for the trees, can’t distinguish between having understandable thoughts and worry, versus being extreme about it. I don’t feel that I can rely on my opinions, or my feelings and I feel hopeless.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (23 October 2007):
 How about this version using spell checker? Some people are just more sensitive, intuitive, and empathetic of others and and their feelings. They can often be misunderstood by people less gifted in that way. I'm sure he isn't trying to upset you or belittle you, it sounds like he loves you very much in fact. I'm glad you are working on your self esteem and will have the benefits of talking to a counselor. I'm sure with your intelligence the counseling will have you feeling better in short order.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (23 October 2007):
Some people are just more sensitive, intuative, and empathetic of others and and their feelings. They can often be misunderstood by people less gifted in that way. I'm sure he isn't trying to upset you or belittle you, it sounds like he loves you very much in fact. I'm glad you are working on your self esteem and will have the benifits of talking to a counselor. I'm sure with your intelligence the counseling will have you feeling better in short order.
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