A
female
age
36-40,
*ittle_laura0
writes:Hi,I'm a 23 yr old female and my partner and I have been friends 2 years, together 5 months and living together 6 weeks. It may seem fast but it feels right for both of us and we're buying a house together in a few months. Lately we keep arguing and eventualy we talk through them and sort it but the arguements keep occuring. When we're not argueing everything is absolute bliss and life cant be happier. Over the last few weeks my car has broken down 3 times and have been expensive. My partner earns 5 times more than i do and im finding it hard to keep up with bills so he has lent me some money for the car repair. with that in mind, he's insisting on going on 2 very expensive holidays in 2 weeks and then again in january which i cant afford. i've got just enough money to cover xmas and bills and he's insisting on paying for it all.I don't feel comfortable with him paying and considering he's only loaned me enough for the car, he's controlling my money and throws the loan in my face reguarly. I never buy anything for myself and im always spending it on our food, the house and things for him. I have 2 jobs and work all the time and do all house work. It feels like no matter what i do, it will never equal to how much he puts in. I'm really struggling with money and now he wants to tip the scales further with holidays and expensive presents. Ive pleased with him not to buy me anything for christmas and that i dont want the holidays, but hes not listening. He's just told me he's spent £800 on my xmas present and there's no way i can match that which he knows. Im starting to feel that he's resenting me and I feel as though he's using it to control every decision. I've tried telling him how i feel but he's just ignoring it. I'm worried it will tear us apart and i just want the relationship to be a fair one without resentment. what should i do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, SillyB  +, writes (28 November 2010):
 Well, he can't stop living his lifestyle just because you do not feel its fair and because you cannot keep up. He's paying for your vacations and willing to help you. All great signs.
What you do need to sit him down and talk about is how you feel strapped - working several jobs and spending every penny on household items. In relationships not EVERYTHING needs to be equal - many men prefer to chip in more than the woman.
Also, perhaps its time to set up a career plan, so that you do not have to work 2 jobs and make so little money. It'll take time, but a great education is worth it and will even out the playing field with whatever man you end up with.
God luck.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2010): tell him to take the gift back, and you don't want to rush things. even though you've known him for 2 years, a £800 is far to much for just 5 months dating, even if he is loaded. Not because he can't afford it, but because it makes you feel uneasy. And no amount of money can fix that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2010): I'll be honest, from your post, I can't quite tell if your boyfriend really is somewhat of a jerk or if you are just very paranoid...
It seems like (unless he is blind and deaf) he is probably well aware of the salary discrepancies. Are you sure he is the one with the issue about it, or is it just you? I mean the guy makes a lot more money than you, so let him spend it however he wants to. If that means taking the woman he loves on a vacation or buying you an expensive xmas gift, so let it be! I am sure he knows that you cannot afford a similar gift. He probably does not expect you to match him.
This guy does not seem to have bad intentions, maybe a bit clueless, so are alot of people. You have something good. Don't let that go sour simply because you both have a hard time communicating things that need to be talked about. Communication (or lack of) is the biggest factor in most break ups. You have got to be upfront with him, right then and there. Ask him what his expectations are in terms of these discrepancies in your salaries. You both are moving in together so these are issues that need to be communicated. Let him know what you can and can't afford. Let him know your concerns, things that worry you. Let him know what your own expectations are. And let him answer all your concerns and then you can make a better judgement of his intentions. Because right now, it seems like you are judging him based on your own fears of inadequacy and that is not fair to him.
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