A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, I have been with my partner for 2 years..we are both 39 and love each other a lot. We do not live together because he has 2 large dogs. I have a four year old son from a previous relationship. His dogs are not aggressive but im terrified to leave my son around them. I'd be living in constant fear that they would bite my son. The dogs are 9years old. They live in his house and he allows them to access the entire house. He said it would break his heart to have them locked up in a room or anything like that when being around the house is all they have ever known. He will not have them confined to one room. I don't know how we can progress this relationship with this huge issue. I can't see a path forward. I'm not happy with having a relationship with somebody that I cannot live with. I want more from my life than that. At the same time I cannot imagine a life without him. I adore him and he is a good man. I never had dogs in my life growing up. I do like his dogs a lot and want them to be happy but I just am not really an animal lover as Im a little scared of them myself. He adores his dogs and i understand his love for them. Have I no other options here? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2022): You don't sound like an animal lover, nor do you allow for how close your guy is to his pets of many years. If I were him this would put me off of you altogether. It sounds so cold and calculated, and all to suit you. After all, he could get rid of the dogs to suit you, and then you and he split up anyway and he has given up much loved pets of many years for a cold person who is no longer with him. His dogs will never hurt him or let him down, they are always there for him. He cannot be sure of that with any woman, let alone one who tries to issue ultimatums. Your guy might accept your offspring because they are part of the package. Now tell me this, how would you feel if your guy told you that he does not like kids very much and he will only be with you if you get rid of your son? It's the same thing!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2022): With all due respect, I don't see how you would have it in your heart to ask him to get rid of his dogs based on your unfounded fears.
If they are large dogs, it's a scientific-fact that larger breeds live shorter lives than smaller breeds. They are close to their end-days, and may pose no threat at all to your child. I am not belittling a mother's protective instincts and love for her child by any means.
Wait it out. The dogs only have one, or two years tops, left in reasonably good health. If you hope to marry this guy someday, fate may be keeping you apart; until he decides to move you and your son in; not as a girlfriend, but as his wife and step-son. Just keep things close and be patient. You don't have to live with him, and play his faux-wife. Your son could use a good male role-model, and learn something about true-commitment to a woman. Many men fear, avoid, or detest marriage; and they get all the benefits that comes with marriage, without losing their freedom, or assets. I'll never understand why women let us getaway with that?
No, the dogs should stay; and if he invites you to live with him; just be sure to monitor the animals at all times. You'd have to do the same if they were your own family pets; knowing someday your son will likely want a dog, or two, of his own. If the dogs have no history of aggressive behavior; they won't wait until their senior years to bite a child with what teeth they do have left. What if you move in, and decide it wasn't the right thing to do, or want to breakup for other reasons? Then he would have gotten rid of his beloved pets for no reason.
If you've been dating this long, and nothing has happened; what keeps them from biting him now? Has the child never been around the dogs? If they're familiar with him, and are kept under close and careful supervision; it should alleviate your fears.
If he knows as a fact the dogs pose a danger to children, he should take that into serious consideration without question; but he doesn't have to get rid of his dogs as the condition of you moving-in. If this is a test of his love; and you're forcing him to choose. It isn't fair. Don't use your son as an excuse for your own fears or insecurities.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2022): I agree that dogs should never be left alone with young children.
I have heard of dreadful cases of mauling.
However, his dogs may not have an aggressive bone in their body but having never known them you are not to take it for granted.
I guess from his perspective he would want to be one happy loving
doggy family.
That would mean dogs sleep on the beds as so many do!
You, however, do not want to be a happy doggy loving family so you have reached a very important point of incompatibility.
Either you discontinue the idea of living together or you seek the help of a professional dog whisperer to figure out how to make this work.
I had a friend who had a baby and her partner brought a dog.
She decided it was hell as she didn't have time for both and consequently the dog was placed in a kennel out in the backgarden.
Your fella is unlikely to do that so perhaps you should part ways.
Or tone it down and just carry on as you are.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (11 May 2022):
 Sorry, OP he has had these dogs for 9 years and dated you for two, if I was in his shoes, YOU would be the one to go.
Who is going to shut up two dogs in a room?! Would you shut your kid up in a room? My guess is no.
While I get that you don't feel safe leaving your kid with two dogs (and no, it might not BE safe but a 4-year-old should be left UNSUPERVISED around animals, IF at all.
What are the options? Well, baby gates are one thing I can think of, that means there are times when the dogs are LIMITED to a smaller space but not "locked" in a room with a closed door. However, I don't know if that would work or be a long term solution.
Also, it's actually a really good opportunity to TEACH your child how to be respectful of animals.
He loves his dogs, he loves to have pets. YOU don't. THAT is
a big compatibility issue. He isn't going to give up his dogs for you. Nor should he have to.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2022): The problem here is that this issue is a non-negotiable for both of you. You both want to live together but you both want to control the house rules where the dogs are concerned. You need to meet in the middle or as you say, settle or quit the relationship. They're your options.
To expand on the wider issues here, there's more to the story here that you have not divulged.
How do they behave? Are there any issues?
Can your partner control the dogs or does he try to?
Does he have rules for them or does he laugh off bad behaviour?
All of these are important questions to answer because it basically tells you how much risk is involved with leaving your child around them.
For instance, I myself have a dog who can be a lively little sole, jumps up at me for his dinner etc but he's little and when I say 'no' he knows I mean it. If he misbehaves I can pick him up/put the lead on etc. He is never cornered to a certain room though so I understand your partner here. It's their home and all that they know.
On the other hand, I have a friend with the same dog but he's a lot stronger and unruly in my opinion. She will let him go in the bins without recourse, he jumps up at worktops and she laughs, he snatches food etc and she turns a blind eye. He is now older and far too strong to control which causes issues.
The fact that you say the dogs are big means behaviour management is compulsory so they know the boundaries. You say you like the dogs but do they know that? I kind of get the feeling you hold off from them emotionally and they will sense this. If you have a connection with them then it will make it easier for you to also have a say in now they behave. The last thing you want is to go in and change things drastically because dogs are jealous by nature, it's just something they're born with - a green streak.
Now having said all of that, your tiny 4 year old is precious and so I also agree that it can be risky to leave your child alone with them incase they get too excited. Anything can happen.
Realistically though, what it boils down to is would your 4 yr old ever be alone with them?
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