A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’m at a complete loss as my situation and wondering if this has happened to anyone else? 6 years ago I moved from my home town to a town 4 hours away for my job. I still kept in touch with all my friends and family members.I have one particular friend who I’ve know since I was 4- we hung out together everyday, had sleepovers - she was one of my best friends.Since I moved away we have kept in touch- we’d see each other 3 times a year with her coming up to me or me going back down and staying with family.Obviously when covid started we couldn’t see each other. I managed to get away last year once lockdown eased and we had a lovely week, this was the last time I saw her.Now, 2 weeks ago I was back down as it was my grandmother’s 90th birthday and she wanted the whole family together. I excitedly told my friend I was coming down again for a week and we had to meet up but she didn’t appear very enthusiastic. I checked she was ok and she told me she was fine.As my visit approached I was texting her about meeting up and even invited her to my grans birthday- she didn’t respond to any texts even though I could she she had read them. When I arrived I got a reply from her saying she was busy and couldn’t make the birthday but she’d be in touch.The days went on I didn’t hear from her so one day I went by her house as I had a gift for both her and her mum (she lives with her mum). When I arrived her mum looked annoyed I had turned up, she told me my friend was out but she’d tell her I stopped by. I gave her the presents and left (she didn’t even say thank you).As I was leaving I swear I saw my friend in the living room but I convinced myself I was wrong. The next day my friend texted thanking me for my gift. I asked if we could meet as my time there was almost up. She told me to go by her house the day after so I did, only to be told by her mother that she wasn’t in as she got called in to work. She works at a nearby restaurant so I said I’d go see her there and her mum said she was too busy to socialize and to call her instead.As I was about to leave my friend walks in the door - she had been out shopping as she had bags with her and not wearing her work uniform so it was obvious her mum lied she was working!I greeted her and tried to make small talk but she appeared in a hurry and said she was due in work and that she was sorry she couldn’t chat and she felt bad we hadn’t been able to meet up as her schedule had been hectic. She seemed genuine but a little odd I felt that both her and her mum was really cold towards me and my friend had tried avoiding me the entire week.I have no idea what I’ve done as we were on fantastic terms before I arrived.I’m friends with her on Facebook and she’s out and about with other friends and her family so I know she isn’t unwell plus when I saw her she looked really well..When I got back home I sent her a text asking what was going on. I explained how I felt but she didn’t respond. I also sent her an email which she’s ignored too.This has made me so upset as we have over 20 years of friendship which I don’t want to just forget but i honestly have no idea what is going on. I have racked my brains to figure out if I did anything wrong but I can’t think of anything.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2022): P.S.
In some places covid infection is significantly slowing-down; but that doesn't mean people aren't weary and continuing to take precautions. You are a traveler, and have been exposed to strangers along your travels. Maybe her mother just didn't feel comfortable; because there is an uptick in infections in some places, and she may be immunocompromised.
They didn't have to spell it out for you; because with some people, if you give your reason as covid, they'll go-off. As if you have to think as they do, or else! People who are older want to enjoy what's left of their twilight years, without covid complications; and some people just want to feel safe. Covid as lingering side-effects in some people. One side-effect is clouding of the mind, and loss of memory. I've met people who have lingering covid complications. It's not recognized as a disability here in the US; and some may lose their jobs if they can't work.
Though their fears may seem paranoid, silly, or unfounded to you; their right to self-preservation is as important as yours to go about life as you did pre-covid. They had their reasons, and my speculations may be way-off the mark; but they did convey to you that you were not welcome to visit at this time. Not yet, anyway. Your long-standing friendship does not override common-courtesy and respect for the wishes of your friends. You place yourself in the position to face their rudeness when you overstep.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2022): Well, sometimes it isn't a good time to be around people. I feel that your friend and her mother are having a rough time; and she knew she couldn't enjoy time with you, because she is taking care of her cranky old aging-mother. Times change, and people change. Friendships also change.
Her mother apparently doesn't have a warm and friendly attitude nowadays, for whatever reason(s); and your friend knows she'd put a damper on the visit. As you've witnessed in real-time. You were very intrusive and disrespectful of their wishes; so you had to learn the hard-way. All this could be due to the onset of dementia, or other medical or mental-health issues; but for her own personal reasons, she has no obligation to disclose her private-affairs to you, no matter how close you think you are.
I don't think this is a reason to dissolve your friendship; but you don't seem to have the intuition to read between the lines. Her mother is a pain in the bum; and she's being difficult to deal with. She may have been fine in the past; but she's not feeling up to company, and your friend has to place her mother's wishes above yours. She has to live with the mean old-lady, you don't! How can you feel happy to see someone when you've tried over and over to tell them now is not a good time?
She could have been more direct; but then again, that would have hurt your feelings. You probably would have ignored her, and intruded anyway.
Yes, when someone lets you know they would prefer you didn't visit, and you visit anyway; they have a right to show their displeasure with your arrogance and disregard for their privacy. You were prewarned.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2022): I agree with Honeypie.
Just leave her be.
And btw, you cannot know what her life really is just by lookint at FB photos.
I had experience with both. I was both the one who left a friendship once and a person who "got left behind".
When a friend stopped answering my emails and messages (this was before we could actually call each other for free and we live on different continents) I thought that she was just bussy with kids (she's a stay at home mum). Judging by her FB (and she posts a lot) she had a great time with her family. So time went by and our friendshup splipped away. Just to make things clear: I was a made of honor at her wedding. We were THAT close. I bumped into her 15 years after our silent "break-up" and we sat for a cup of coffee. We spent together the whole day just catching up. She did have a reason that had nothing to do with me or at least not in a way that I might have expected. She was hiding problems in her marriage and she couldn't lie to me. She lied to her parents and her sister and to other friends. She just knew that she couldn't lie to me. As she said she didin't want to lie to me and she knew what I would tell her - to get a job and leave her cheating husband, which she did when her oldest son turned 21 and by that time she had no idea what to tell me even though the cat wa out of the bag. Bwt, everybody in her life was shocked by how her marriage fell apart. They looked so so happy.
You can never know what is really happening to someone unless that person tells you.
Here's why I left a life-long friendship:
If you were to ask my friend, we were like sisters. I was always there for her. I defended her in the kindergarten from other "mean" kids. I helped with her homework, housechores, bouts of hysteria, break-ups... I always welcomed her to stay in ou home when she needed to not be alone (holidays, vacations...). I always found a nice way to tell her when something was bothering me, taking care not to hurt her feelings...
If you were to ask me: at some point my friend started using me mistaking my kindness for weakness. Her mother told me when we were kids that she is "voulenarble" and that she needed help. When we got older she told me that my friend was diagnosed with a personality with a "problem" and that she needed help. You see where I am going with this? We always had to take care of her and go along and never upset her. Setting boundaries with her was impossible! But I managed somehow for as long as her mother (my parent's best friend) was alive. After her death my friend became even worse (I couldn't believe that she had some "room to grow" in that direction!). Other people started leaving her as well or at least taking a break (she was always single and men whou would initially show interest would soon be gone). I remember once, I was talking with a mutual friend that got 27 texts from this other friend, telling her to stop talking on the phone and call her immediately because she had a fight with a clerk at the post-office.
I simply ad enough of her using me and not respecting me. I suppose this is not your case.
And there's always this option:
You moved a way and have a different (better) life now. She stayed working as a waitress. Why did now your friend started acting this way and not 6 years ago? Maybe she faced the fact that her life will never get better. Maybe she had something going on that fell through... who knows.
Honeypie is right. Just let it be. Because whatever it is, she has made her choice.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (11 May 2022):
 I think she feels the friendship has run its course but she hasn't had the nerve to tell you.
I would just leave her be. You can't MAKE people want to stay friends no matter how much history you have.
Maybe just give her some space, and see if she reaches out. If she doesn't that sucks but you will get over it.
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