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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Thank you for reading this message. I feel as though my world is falling apart. I broke up with my boyfriend who I had been with for 4 years nearly a year ago now. It was a very painful and horrible breakup, but I was living abroad and threw myself into my new life. It was hard but things were going ok. Anyway I'm now back at home and due to start a postgrad in a couple of weeks. But I just feel so worthless. I was always quite popular at school and uni, always had loads of friends in spite of my relationship. But now I am back home, many ppl have moved away and I'm finding it so hard to readjust. It's also really hard because the reality that my ex and I are never getting back together is starting to hit me, and all those plans we had now mean nothing.I'm not somebody who believes you necessarily need someone else to complete you or anything like that, but I'm 24 now and most of my close friends are in serious relationships, some are even married with kids. It just feels like the pool of friends I have is getting smaller and smaller, and I'm so afraid of ending up alone. I go out as often as I can and try to meet new people but it's just so hard. I desperately want my old life back, with my old boyfriend and my old friends, but I just can't seem to let go...please help, I'm stuck in the past...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2008): i've been where you are and in a way i am still there, but you do have to keep living your life. you have to find fun things to do, activities, etc. things that really make you happy with the friends or family you do have. it can be something so silly, like rollerskating, or a bigger goal like making your own independent film. maybe your post-grad studies fulfill this but if not find other stuff. check out meetup.com for interest groups that meet in your area. when you are having fun and have a lot of happy times in your life i think you will attract more people to you.
as hard as it may be to let go of the past, an even better future is ahead of you, a better relationship, new friendships, etc...you just have to imagine it as a possibility.
you don't even have to completely stop thinking of your old boyfriend. you're experience him was important to your life and you no doubt learned something from it. you have to learn to appreciate the experience, but put it on the shelf so to speak. check out Eckhart Tolle's writings on the pain body - that helped me to understand why my mind kept going back to past memories, and how to deal with them. it's a daily struggle to let go, but whenever you feel bad about it, ask for help with letting go, take deep breaths and really find some fun. you will come out stronger because of all this :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2008): Thank you guys, it's so good to know that I'm not the only person who feels this way. Onwards and upwards and all that :)Thank you for taking the time to reply to my message.
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A
male
reader, Passthrough  +, writes (7 September 2008):
 I'm basically in your same position- I had a high-school sweetheart girlfriend nearly 4 years, and things started to fall apart- she had very low self esteem, and some other emotional problems... I had been working around her problems because I had been with her for so long, but when we separated, it was painful but we both knew it had to be done. A year down the line, I still felt like I loved her, I have yet to find somebody who I could love more.
I never had many friends, but being alone is the worst. The best thing for you is to keep trying; go and get out and meet somebody- I am just turning 24 and the time to meet people (work, social, online) is optimal :-D Thats the best thing for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2008): I know how you feel since I am in more or less the same situation after having been broken up for nearly one year. All I can really say here is to start building your new life. You will make new friends when you start your post- grad. You will meet someone- everyone goes through life at their own pace and just cause your friends are settling down right now, doesn't mean that if you don't have someone now, you'll be alone later. I think the 'letting go' part was put on hold the last year since you were away and busy doing your own thing. As soon as you start your own thing again, moving on and letting go will be easier.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, sticky_fun  +, writes (7 September 2008):
 hey =)
i really sympathise with you, 4 years is a long time so you guys must have had something very special.
but back to the problem. i think you need to see a counsellor. i know thats not really advice, more like giving you to someone else to deal with. its not, it really helps to talk to someone who doesnt know you or anyone involved. that way you can start fresh and explain in your own words whats happening and how you feel. youre totally in control then and that can make you feel better about it.
youre going through the bereavement process. i know nobodys died or anything but the sense of loss is still there and the feelings are similar between the two. there is no time scale on getting over this, it could take years. but i really do suggest getting some counselling because this problem is akeeping you in the past and you need someone to get you into the present, and give you the confidence to deal with it. it will take time yes, but im afraid there is no quick fix for the heart.
i really hope this helps
big hugs
xxx
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