A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been in love with a close female friend for four years. I have tried to date other women but there has never been a spark and they pale in comparison with my friend.I have tried minimising contact but it makes no odds. I want to move on but I seem unable to do so. I am worried I am going to spend the rest of my life alone because I cannot get her out of my head or heart and I have even tried counselling. I simply adore her and would die for her.I know she doesn't feel the same way and I while I accept that, I also can't imagine life without her as my friend. I don't know what to do. I know I should probably give her up but to do so would mean I must relocate totally and not only lose her but pretty much all my friends - we have the same friends and hobbies so to cut contact would mean my giving up everything.I don't know what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2011): You have a horrible addiction and I'm sorry for your situation because I have lived it several times. The only solution that works is to create physical distance from your addiction.This addiction leads to creating a world in your mind where you constantly fantasize about the life you would lead if the other returned your love. There is nothing more powerfully addictive than such a fantasy and you lean on it like a crutch. It's so easy to escape to the fantasy when reality does not include a relationship with the other as you desire it.This has happened three times in my life with three different women and in every case the addiction subsided with physical distance. The first time I moved away to go to university. The second time I moved to another city. And the third time the other moved to another city.You know what you need to do, so screw your courage to the sticking point and start a new life into which you can put positive emotional energy. Otherwise you will remain in the selfish state of addiction where your emotional energy is utterly wasted.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 November 2011):
 How do you know she doesn't feel the same way? Has she actually told you, or are you making a guess because you think you've indirectly shown her that you care and you interpreted her moves to be negative?
There's no way to be discrete about this. Be blunt. Confess. Give her time to think, and then get your answer black on white.
If she says no, not interested, you can try to relocate and talk to her less.
If she says yes... then GREAT!!!
Just try it, it's better than living with regret. I have/had feelings for a friend of mine for 9 years, and I first told him after 3 years. He misunderstood me and thought I had said I "used to be" in love with him, not that I actually still held strong feelings for him. So he tried to be a gentleman and said he still loved me as his friend. And I interpreted that to mean he only cared for me as a friend. Then 5 years later I tried my luck with him again and told him I love him still. This time I was DIRECT about it, leaving no room for misunderstandings. He responded a few days later that he loved me too, and had fancied me for quite some years as well, but never thought I'd actually want him.
So, it can happen. Before you move her out of your life, at least make dead sure she isn't feeling the same way about you, or could feel the same way about you. If she's on the fence, ask her for a chance to date her and for her to see you in a new light, as a potential partner, and not just friend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2011): You should ask her, simple. Maybe she is interested, you never know. If she says no you will be free that’s the best way you can move on, by hearing no or yes. I have been in the same situation and one of my guy friend asked me to date him I said no, we forget and are still friends. But that’s me, you know her better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2011): Hi, I hope my comments help you to understand this lady a little, which in turn may help you.I am on the other side, a married woman, in an unhappy marriage really, but choose to stay for my own reasons.My husband and I have a friend who visits us a lot but lives alone after his own marriage break up.My husband's friend really, but I have always made him welcome, invited him to family get togethers, etc.A couple of years ago he started visiting when my husband was at work, which has always been fine, now and then,it never bothered me as I only saw him as a friend, we also have the same social circle and interests.After a while he started to comment on problems in my marriage, and then moving on to finding fault with my husband as well (HIS BEST FRIEND)He also began to bring me gifts and always said they were thank you gifts, for the sunday lunch, the drinks night, etc.He had never done this before, and I started to feel uncomfortable with it, told him there was no need and so on.On a recent night out, our friend decided to tell me that he is in love with me, and has been for a long time, saying I know you're not happy with him, you deserve better, among other things.I was stunned!!!!! I never saw it coming, I knew he was fond of me in a friendly way, adn sometimes he would have some banter here and there. I never thought anything of it.I made it quite clear that those feelings are and never would be reciprocated, I thought of him only as a friend. He said he respected that but could not help the way he felt.he said he thought that telling me would make me feel loved and needed.I obviously could not tell my husband, it would devastate him to think his friend visited only to see me.I am now very uncomfortable when he visits, to the point that I make excuses to go out, and even invent somewhere to go sometimes. I have asked him not to visit when i am alone, it got where he was texting me to see if I would be home, when he knew my husband was leaving the house.He would then proceed to tell me that my husband was treating me badly, diddn't love or respect me, and that he would treat me so much better!!I suppose what I'm saying here is, if you have told the lady, how you feel, although she may be a little flattered, the discomfort does make up for it.Our friend is now staying away more, he has said he knows he needs to, but its hard for him because he would,as you said yourself 'die for me'And whatever you do please don't tell her that you think of her intimately, i myself cannot look at our friend the same since he told me he thinks of me in bed at night.You do not want your close friend to feel sorry for you, or to pity you. That is how I am starting to feel myself.You really do need to back off a bit at a time, only see her when you absolutely have to, but no more than that.I have been given words such as 'obsessed', 'besotted' and others which started to worry me. And I felt that I was stifled in my own home.I hope this helps you a little, I really feel for you, but it would be much better to have a friend who loves you unconditionally as a friend, than one who cringes at the thought of seeing you.Good luck to you.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (3 November 2011):
 As an older man, I can tell you if it was your first love(requited or not) then you'll NEVER get over her. First love's are sadly forever. Breathe deep and read thick books and start over.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2011): You don't want to do the main thing that will help in the long run - that is to have no contact or as little as is possible. That would give you a chance, at least, to get her out of your head. You know it is hopeless, but would prefer the little fragments of her presence to nothing. You will always have feelings for her, but do give 'minimal contact' a try for at least six months or accept being in this lovelorn state for ever.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2011): I really feel for you, as I am having to consider that I may be in the same situation - actually, I don't know if the man that I adore may possibly feel even remotely the same, but I have no quick way of knowing out and, for the time being, I have to tell myself that there is no hope, because if I become hopeful I stand to get very hurt indeed. I really recognise what you are saying...that you want to forget her and move on, but just can't. Life would be so much easier if we could do this. And I understand what you mean - that other women (in my case men) don't come anywhere close in comparison.The only thing that I can say is this - that it has happened to me before. I am forty three and I only once ever felt like this before, when I was 29. Back then, I met a man by chance when I was absolutely not looking for a relationship and neither was he. Something "took over" - we were at a friend's house with loads of other people, we chatted all night with them, I was quite dismissive because I honestly didn't even notice how gorgeous he was - he went to leave and I went to let him out of my friends' front door. I jokingly said "you better kiss me goodbye" and he laughed and went to give me a quick peck on the lips, expecting to never see me again and vice versa. What happened was like pure thunderbolt territory - literally the force of that connection when we went to quickly and jokingly kiss "goodbye" was like nothing I had ever or have ever since, experienced and neither had he. He came back in. We kissed again...it sounds corny, but it was as if we simply melted into one another in a way that was so total that we could not understand how it could happen. we did not have sex - and in fact in the few times that we met this never happened because he had a problem after an operation, so we were waiting - but talked and kissed on our friends sofa all night. He left in the early hours of the morning and promised to call. He did call, I was over the moon, and we met. Same thing all over again - incredible connection that made me suddenly realise that ll my life something, my special someone, had been missing. I was totally and absolutely head over heels in a way that I could not have predicted. This is coming from someone who had been in a long term relationship and been very much in love.What happened was, in my view, tragic, but I now see it all very, very differently to how I did. He was extremely ambitious and from a far wealthier background than me. He was a workaholic, and he was also, I realised early on, a complete narcissist. With him, I very much got the sense that here was a perfect man (despite his faults) and also one who could work hard but, importantly, who had never really had to worry about money, and who did not understand what it felt like to not have the same choices or the same education and so on. I didn't mind, however, because I could see his faults but "loved" him. Meanwhile, my own history had been that I was brought up in poverty, with a love of my subject from a very early age, and a very strong work ethic, but never with the same "air of entitlement" that he had. It was, for me, a new glimpse into a world where someone can "have it all" and for whom life will always, to an extent, be pleasant and nice. The contrast with my own situation could not have been more severe. To cut a long story short, he increasingly "dropped" me, despite saying that it was either that he did this or that we had to get married because he never felt like this ever about anyone. I was definitely not looking for someone to "rescue" me, but, I think at an unconscious level, this is how I was responding to him and this is what the situation seemed set up to be. Instead, I think the force of his feelings scared him, and without the same wealthy background I simply didn't have the same kind of confidence in my own career, to feel that I could simply "choose" what I wanted to do. He seemed to become mistrustful of what he was experiencing and just carried on working. I was working so hard, but felt that it would be a long time before I reached my goal, whereas he was simply of the view that he could do what he wanted and work hard to get rewards - that he was already where he wanted to be and now it was just about receiving the benefits of it. I felt relatively undeserving.When I met him the final time and he told me his decision, I was so broken that I literally could not walk away from him. He had to take me back to his flat just to recover because it felt like I had been in a car crash. It affected me so deeply, I am not exaggerating. I felt like the love of my life had died, but it was worse, because he had told me himself that he had made this strategic decision in order to focus on his career. It took me six years to stop feeling numb - I just did not understand why my heart kept beating, when I was in so much pain - it made more sense that my heart should just give up and stop - and six years to even look at another man again. What made it worse was that I knew there was no point in contacting him, but that he was around in the same city. I heard, six months later, that he married.So, it is now over 14 years ago. What do I think of the situation? That it was unrequited love, yes, for sure. But it also came out, somehow or other, from my low self esteem relative to his very high regard for himself. That, and the contrast between his life - which seemed already complete and to be enjoyed - and mine, which had always seemed broken and empty. He was, like the song says, somehow "out of reach" even when I was with him and despite this amazing connection. what I am suggesting, I guess, is that you yourself and maybe without realising that you are doing so, produce this kind of situation because you maybe have some deep sense of something missing, deep inside. And something happens and, seemingly by chance, an other person appears to fill that absence. It makes sense that this would have to be a person that you somehow perceive as almost godly, and ultimately unavailable, because if they were not this way then your own deep rooted sense of "something missing" would not be triggered, and the possibility of that "absence" finally being filled, would not be so great. In fact, it is this sense of "something missing" that, I think at a very low level, is actually making a situation like this happen at all. If someone had said this back when I was 29 I would have said they were crazy. 14 years later and after being in a very differently loving relationship for some years, I know that this is true.What I am not sure, now, is what I do about this now that it is happening for me a second time around. But I am certainly going to do my utmost to be realistic about it all and will not let myself get hurt. I'm not an analyst. I respect that what you feel for this woman will feel totally unique to you and that my own experiences will not feel comparable - when we are in love we feel that no-one else could possible have felt the way that we do. My love for this man was different to the love that you feel for this woman. But I am suggesting that it comes from a deep rooted need to feel loved - possibly as children. In my case, it was my mother who never showed me love, so I didn't understand why I would be so affected by a man. The gender doesn't matter. It is just that we are trying to get what we never had.I am going to concentrate on building my own life and I'd say, although it won't take your pain away, that you keep doing this. It is not so much about geographical "relocation" but about psychological "relocation". Funnily enough, I met an Indian woman recently, through something totally different - a very academic conference that had nothing to do with this subject at all. But in her lecture, she came out with the phrase " He realised that he was a man, and in doing so, he no longer needed love like a child needs love. He realised that he IS love". Okay, a bit "hippy" and maybe it will only add to your pain right now. But there is something in that which I want to keep hold of - you can choose who you give your love to, not just wait for others to give it.All my good wishes for you and your future.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2011): OP here - Aunt Honesty, yes, I fear this is what I have to do, but it literally means giving up everything. I would have to find another job in another town and start completely afresh. There is nowhere else locally to do my two main hobbies (which she also does) and unfortunately I don't work in a corporate field to get transferred etc. My particular field is fairly limited. I have a huge pool of friends - I brought her into them - but don't know anyone who lives anywhere else, and the idea of moving away is pretty scary.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 November 2011):
 Am afraid the only way that you are going to get over her is to cut all contact from her completely. I know that it is difficult and even more so when you share the same group of friends, but it is either that or else you are just going to keep going around in circles. Talk to her and tell her that you cannot have any more contact with her because it is way to hard for you, am sure you can pick up new hobbies where you can meet new friends and keep yourself busy and occupied away from people who are connected with this woman.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2011): Please move on, I was in your shoes once and absolutely regretted the wasted time. You have to remind yourself of your worth. You deserve to be loved by someone who will love you back just as much. Part of the problem is that you haven't found that someone YET. That's why it's harder to let go. Why do you want to be with someone who doesnt care for you?
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