A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm not sure what I'm doing writing on here again. I've written at least four times, and nothing's changed. I keep falling back into the same trap I'm trying to escape from. I'm running out of people to confide it, but I just can't seem to shake this feeling...I'm 21 (as of last month), and my boyfriend is 22. I've been with him now for a year and two months. We're happy. We're in love. We're planning nothing but a bright future together. We're moving to Florida together later this year. We talk about marriage, kids, buying a house, etc. His mother refers to me as her daughter, and his family is constantly asking us when we're going to get married. He's my soul mate. That's that.The thing is, I can't let go of his past. I've tried and tried, and it's just something that my mind won't release. About five months before we met, and about nine months before we started dating, my boyfriend had just gotten out of a relationship of about two years (on-and-off) with a girl who was his poison.When we first started dating, I heard stories about her all the time about how awful she was and what a sour relationship they once had. He used to make comments about how much better I was for him, and about how I would do "X" when she never would have. Or about how she would flip out over "Y" when I never do. I found this flattering at first, but then it began to strike a nerve in me. I've seen pictures of her (his yearbook, her Facebook, her MySpace), and she's pretty. Sometimes, I feel like she's prettier than me - like I can't compete.Her name began coming up randomly in conversations or situations. We would be watching a movie, and a scene would come on that resembled his relationship with her, and he would go off on a tangent about his experience. Or we would be walking through the mall and I'd say something about a friend, and he would tell me a story about how his ex used to text his best friend behind his back and then cheated on him. It got to the point where every single thing he said to me, reference to his ex or not, made me think of her in some way.It continues... I've been suffering for months now, and I just can't let it go. I can't stop thinking about her. She's everywhere to me. After the initial stories, I began thirsting for more. I asked him about her. And now, I can play their relationship from beginning to end in my mind, like a movie. When he mentions something, anything at all, my mind is drawn to her. I don't want to blame him, but I get so angry. I get hurt, and insecure, and jealous. I think of all the times they fought - yelled, screamed, broke up. It seems like it evoked such a passion in him, a passion that love itself just doesn't seem to evoke.A lot of me gets insecure just thinking of all the time he wasted on her. He claims that he never really loved her. He claims that every time they broke up, he felt relief instead of hurt. They dated on-and-off from the time that he was eighteen until he was twenty (she was fifteen to seventeen). He's only ever told me about how immature, irresponsible, and irrational she was. He only ever told me about how he hated it and cringed when they had sex. He only ever told me about how manipulative and controlling she was. He only ever told me about how she cheated on him and made his life a living hell... So why did he keep taking her back? What did she have that he wanted?We got into an argument back in January due to the fact that I couldn't let her go. He told me that if I didn't, I would ruin us. I told him I would stop. But then, about a week or two later, we got into another argument. We were letting each other know about how we felt we were taking each other for granted. We were also letting each other know recent events that were troubling our relationship. And randomly he said, "...and when you do (this action), I can't stand it. There's something very (insert ex's name here) about that. I lost it, and I haven't been able to let it go since. After threatening our relationship with the fact that I couldn't let this girl go, he ripened an argument by comparing me to her in a negative way for the first time.I don't know whether I'm more insecure about his past with her, or about the fact that he kept bringing her up into OUR present. We both talked about our past relationships at first to convery what we both wanted from each other. It was sort of a "never-do-this-or-I'll-leave-you-because-I-can't-stand-it" type thing. But the fact that he mentioned her so much really bothers me, especially when he compared me to her, because now, that's all I ever do...She became pregnant with another guy's child shortly after they broke up for the last time. Her child is nearly a year old, and she's engaged to the father. Her and my boyfriend never talk anymore, and really haven't a whole lot since the final split. She messaged him back in December with a message that contained three words: I hate you. He promptly deleted the message without responding and then blocked her. But still, the fact that she took the time out of her life to fall back into his radar just makes my skin crawl.I don't know where to go from here. I'm desperate. I'm seeing a therapist now, who's recommended I start taking antidepressants (because I show symptoms of depression). I would like to keep going, but I can't imagine how much more of this girl my therapist can take. I just can't let this go... I can't let her go. She's ruining my life, and it won't be long before she destroys my relationship completely...
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best friend, broke up, engaged, facebook, his ex, immature, insecure, jealous, myspace, soulmate, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Qtzl911  +, writes (18 March 2013):
Hi, I was wondering if you ever did figure things out. I am going through something similar, often feel that I need anti-depressants, and that I cannot compete with my boyfriend's overly educated ex-girlfriend who has a successful career and who he almost married. I am still in school and find it difficult to focus. I am somewhat younger but still feel that I am nowhere near where I should be especially in comparison to her. My boyfriend does say terrible things about his ex, such as that she wasn't really intelligent outside of textbooks - just very studious, could talk about few things, had eating disorders, was hairy, and fundamentally a bad person. However, he still kept taking her back and even asked her to marry him. His excuse is that he felt after many years (7 years) it wasn't worth giving up, and in the end she left him because of a fight about the wedding. I was wondering if any of the other posters who are going through the same want to chat sometime for support... not one of my friends understands what I am feeling and it is terribly detrimental to my mental health to not be able to discuss it. I wish I knew how to get rid of this feeling. I feel totally worthless and inferior. Did anti-depressants work? What did your therapist(s) suggest? I'm in serious need of someone to discuss this with in depth and find some advice that actually clicks to me. I want this feeling GONE. The posts I could really relate to have no emails or way to contact, so please contact me if possible.
A
female
reader, angel78  +, writes (18 March 2010):
Also as a addit to my last post my friend has a child with his. He didnt have feelings at all but they were engaged.
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A
female
reader, angel78 +, writes (18 March 2010):
Hi when I read this post, this is exactly what I am going through!
I am on antidepressant and hopefully in the next couple of weeks will be seeing a therapist.
I to have written on this site and I feel like nothing that is said helps.
If you would like to message me. Also the last poster, 0801819p. Would like to sometimes speak directly to some who can relate. Or even if you want to vent. People around me just dont understand how I feel.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2010): Hello there, I can honestly understand what you are going through. I am in EXACTLY the same boat as you and also seeing a therapist. I want to tell you my story so that you don't feel alone because when I read your post it made me feel as if I was not the only one going through this. This is not really advice as such as I don't have any to give, but if you do want to talk via this site then I will be here to listen. Like you I have been with him for a long time (coming up two years) and the issue of his ex haunts me every single day of my life. At first, he told me bits about his ex, in passing but again like you I got hungry for more. I asked more and more questions until I was able to piece together their two year relationship. Much like your bf, mine also said it was a stressful affair- that he was with her for two years. She seems a demanding woman and he got into a lot of debt buying furniture for her house, paying her rent, buying her stuff and going on holidays. She did not work so he supported her and her child from a previous relationship. It pains me because he still has this debt and it really limits what we can do as a couple. He spent so much time, money and effort on her but I got the impression that she was never happy. They argued a lot and he said that they spent more time not talking that actually talking. The relationship ended when she signed up to a dating site and started to talk to other guys. When he found out he left. But not before. He never left her even though they were arguing and not speaking for days on end. He also admitted to me that he felt guilt after he walked out on her because he felt as if he had no acted as a man! I felt sick by this admission as it meant that he cared so much that even though she hurt him he still thought about how she was. Its the same when you said that you wonder why he kept taking her back. Again, like your bf mine claims he never loved his ex, that she was irresponsible and immature and also very dim. He talks about how he hated the fact that she wore lots of make up and fake tan and that she stunted his creativity when they were together(he is a writer) but then it makes me wonder why he was with her for so long? his answer is that he didn't know any better. It doesn't make any sense to me and it certainly does not help with the matter. Everyday is like a living nightmare because as you said she is everywhere, filsm, tav, her name- I see all the things she bought and then ordered to the house. I see her name on the delivery slips to the house that I now live in and it makes me sick. My bf does not speak to her. He never will and he said as much himself. But I cannot let go of her. She is with me everyday and the chances are that I think of her more in a day than my bf has in the past year. She is irrelevant to him at the present time, he has no time for her and he never will but that is not enough for me. I can't offer you any advice as I am in the same boat as you. I know how hard this is and how after a point people just stop speaking to you about it. I also go to a therapist but again I don't know how long I can go to her for…for the rest of my life? I really understand where you are coming from and all I can offer is a listening ear. Message me in private if you want to vent or anything. Take care, and keep us posted on how you are. I used to write on this site too about this problem until I figured out nothing anyone said would make a jolt of difference.
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A
female
reader, hot.mama0405 +, writes (17 March 2010):
My dear that's very tough. She's not in any of your lives so stop talking about her. Its hard not to think of her, but it takes time to heal. Tell your boyfriend to not speak of her and you, you'll want to say something, but don't. If you keep doing that it helps you not think of her so much. You'll eventualy think of her less. If there are things they used to do; you guys do it and make your own memories with that event. Make happy memories. If you keep doing this you may lose your boyfriend because he's not with her anymore why should he keep hearing of her from his new girlfriends mouth. and you may lose yourself as well. You guys have your own lives you say you have plans for the future. work on those plans and make your future now before it's too late.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2010): Usually this is a men phenomenon! I think you do not mind that your boyfriend had another relationship before you but the problem is his memories. You feel that he may think of her regularly and that she still an important part of his life. I cannot describe your problem as unphysical or strange since is NOT!!! The real problem is that with this attitude you will end this relationship and he will gain the right to blame you for the rest of your lifes. Try to make him happy day be day and try every new day to be a different day for you both. Go to new places, have adventure and fullfill his mind with your memories! As a result there will be no space for her in his mind or your relationship. Iam not saying that is easy for you to forget but finally after a period of time you will since you will be the most important event of his life, because now you are not, you are just the best girlfriend he ever had but not the most important, not all his memories!!! Best wishes
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