A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Okay, I am haunted by a question... Back story: Two years ago, I was in a 2 1/2 year long relationship (that started out as a 5 year friendship) that suddenly, and quite unexpectedly went sour. My ex turned verbally and emotionally abusive almost over night- and, I, not knowing any better, was strung along for 6 months or so until he finally ended it by setting me up (planning an anniversary weekend and not showing up) and then writing me a break-up e-mail. There was no closure. ....The healing process was slow and agonizing and involved a lot of therapy, but time has concreted the situation and I have since moved on as much as I could, though there are still scars on my heart. Since then, I have gotten close to three different guys now, and each time, it started to go from a friendship towards more, and then--- I just could not let any of them get any closer. I spent a good deal of time with each, even went on a few mini-dates. But I never was able to agree to let a romantic relationship bud out of it. Each of them sensed it when I froze up like a deer in headlights and backed off- both to my relief, and also let down. I just can't let myself get *that* close to another man. What's wrong with me? I am facing this problem now with guy # 3- a friend I have gotten to know better, who does NOT ask a girl out lightly, who guards his heart just as strongly, has asked me out. I didn't know how to react, even though I felt honored. I still don't know how to react. I don't know what to do- except maybe be honest with him. But otherwise, part of me wants to FLEE. But flee from what? It's like I don't mind getting to know different men, but sealing a deal--as much as I really do (and sometimes don't) want that in my life again, is a step that is just too scary to take. And I can't even begin to describe the guilt that wells up in realizing that! I have NEVER feared commitment before, and know deep down that if I do find someone worth committing to again, I will never look back once I say "yes". But.... what if I am saying yes to the wrong person like last time? If a man I knew for almost 8 years could suddenly turn on me, how am I supposed to trust those I have known for maybe a year or less? Each guy has told me the same story my ex has. How do I know they, too, will not go psycho on me? Or that they were lying through their teeth? A committed relationship, as wonderful as it was, made me question if putting your heart on the line and trusting blindly was worth the risk. This new guy told me, despite his experience which is similar to mine, that he thinks it is. I admire the fact that he has held on to hope, and has not given up despite being shot through the heart. But realizing I am not as strong has made me question if I am right for him-- fear of closeness aside.I guess I am just too scared to trust another man with my heart. -_-; I freeze up if they so much as touch me. It's really pathetic. x/ Will this go away with time? Or is there something I can do about it-- and if so, what?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2011): Speaking from my own experience, you need to continue/restart therapy regarding your inability to get close to a man. It's possible that this could go away by itself but it's more likely that you will simply bury it. If this is the case, Murphy's law says that it will resurface at the worst possible time.
Talk to your friend/potential boyfriend. Let him know that you have issues, and what they are, but that you're working on them. Keep him in the loop on your advances and setbacks.
There's probably no way to know ahead of time if a future boyfriend will flake out on you like your ex did. But, there are a number of domestic violence prevention sites onine that include predictors for abusive behavior (including emotional abuse).
One of the easiest to check, though, is whether a person generally extends courtesy and respect to everyone. How does your potential boyfriend treat the wait staff at a restaurant? If he is routinely rude and disrespectful to others that attitude will likely transfer to you at some point.
Also, pay attention to his family dynamics, or if his family is far away, how he talks about his family. Specifically, how does his father/stepfather treat his mother, and how does your bf get along with her? We learn to treat our partners from the way our parents interact, and often transfer issues with opposite-gender parents to our partners. If your bf has a good relationship with his mother and his father treats her with respect, those are good signs. It's important to note bad relationships here are not necessarily bad signs, but they are cautionary and require additional observation on your part. He might not get along with his mother because she's a jerk, for example. That could open up a whole new can of worms for you, though, so you do need to be aware.
Bottom line, if you run from every relationship because you're afraid of all the "what-ifs", you'll end up isolating yourself from others. That can be a pretty lonely life. If you think your friend could be "Mr. Right", or at least "Mr. Right Now", go for it. :)
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (4 July 2011):
 I think this will go away in time, however, it sounds like you are dealing with some trust issues.
Not every relationship sours like the one you first experienced. While every break-up is painful most do not end the way you experienced it.
I think with your current boyfriend you should explain to him what happened and that you need to work on your trust. By opening up to him about your fears and needs, you'll find out whether he is man enough to stand by you. A good guy will work with you to assuage your fears and show that he is a stable individual. If it any time, you doubt his ability, it may be time to look elsewhere -- but only you can decide when and what causes this to happen.
There are plenty of nice guys out there and it sounds like your first boyfriend had his reasons for doing what he did. I applaud you for seeking help from a therapist -- perhaps it is time to revisit one again to talk about your trust and fear issues.
I think it is also important to remember that without risk, there is no gain. This guy may break your heart but there is also a chance that this guy is the "one". Keep positive and focus on the good stuff. In time, if you take the risk, you'll be rewarded with a bond and kinship that you wouldn't have found is you didn't take the leap of faith. Enlist your friends to help give you support and take your time and remember life isn't worth living without risking it once in a while.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2011): Same poster here-- I forgot to mention that I also don't feel the energy to pursue another serious relationship. x_x;
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