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female
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anonymous
writes: kris and I have been together for 6yrs and we live together. We both own the property together. Kris used to smoke dagga and he became lazy and sloppy, I found myself doing every thing around the house, well he just sat on his computer playing games. We both have full time jobs, so we both are rather tired when we get home. Kris stopped smoking dagga and became very aggressive, he would verbally abuse me. He then decided that we must break up because he had to find himself and get over the death of his father which was 8yrs ago. Since the dagga would help him escape from reality he had to face it. I left home feeling so rejected and unloved, I felt like everything was my fault. He was seeing a physiologist at the time whom according to Kris she had suggested that we broke up! I phone her and left a message; saying that I hope she was at peace now that she broke my heart.I moved in with my mother for about a month, in December last year I went on holiday with a friend and stayed with my sister. I know he was jealous and he tried to contact me, he even wanted to buy a plane ticket and join us. But my sister and friend stood by me and said that it was wrong and that I needed this time to myself. When I returned from my holiday I moved back in, he said that he had changed and that he would be more lovable, he wouldn’t shout at me and he would help me around the house. I drew up some terms and conditions - involved time we must spend together, chores that we must do around the house act, I named it growing old together. It worked for about a month, I asked him what was happening and he responded with anger and resentment towards me, saying that he was tired and that he was busy playing games. Eventually I got a maid once a week and when I asked him to help me he said that the maid was coming in --(in a weeks time!!) and that I must leave it-- for a whole week dishes must sit and grow legs. (Slob!!)It's now come to this-- He gets home an hour before me and starts playing games. I'll come home get supper on, call him once it's ready- I'll beg him to at least eat dinner with me. As soon as he as eaten he leaves me to finish eating and returns to his computer where he remains until I see him for about 10min in the morning when his off to work. The time after we have eaten I'll go wash up, and do some chores, have a bath and go to bed.We don't make love any more because we never really see each other or we are too exhausted. I have given up-I'm emotionally exhausted, I told him we need to start making special time together and he shouted at me saying that we see each other every day! I eventually got him to go to the movies with me, but it felt as if, he found it to be such a chore. I spoke to his mom had she said "well at least he is home with you not at the pub getting pissed." She is right but I can't take this loneliness anymore. I try to suggest ideas so we can spend time together but he never approves of them and says that he doesn’t feel like it. EG: picnic? I feel like there must be something wrong with me, WHY IS HE ALWAYS REJECTING ME!?I asked him if we were going to get married I wanted to know if we had a future together. He shouted at me and said that I must stop bringing it up because he doesn’t believe in marriage. But there was a time that he once used to call me his fiancé. He doesn’t look at me, kiss me hold me? I used to be the apple in his eye. He can't tell me he loves me and when I ask him why he says that I mustn’t question our relationship and that he will tell me he loves me in time? Why am I waiting for this to happen-- THERE MUST BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME!!!! Why do I feel so ugly, I'm always fighting and nagging for his attention? I told him that he was being selfish and he told me to F%@k off and slapped the door in my face. I can't take this anymore I need help, I thought about leaving him but we have property together and he won't sell or pay me out my half.I love him, I just wish he would realize that I computer can always be replaced, but I can't (or can I? as he would see it) He needs to start thinking about us not him. Please some one help me I can't leave him I'm still holding on to this little bit of hope that he will change.
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female
reader, ASHLEY72085  +, writes (11 February 2010):
Hi,I wanted to write back to your question because I read what you wrote and I feel like you just wrote my story. I too have been with my bf for 6 years. When we first got together he was smoking dagga everyday all day long. . after about a month I was like I cant take this so I actually broke up with him. A few months later he started calling saying he quit and changed. . so i eventually went back to him. A few years go by and around our 3rd year together he buys a two family house and at first he lives with his brother, then about 6 months later his brother moves out and he asked me to move in. I move in and everything changed. I have been living with him now for 3 years. All he does now is smoke. . . and play video games. . .I find my self cleaning up after him, cooking for him, everything! Hes such a people pleaser that he would probably try and make my neighbor happy before he thinks of me! When I ask him to hang out on the weekend hell say I saw you all week (Like when we both get home from work . .not the same) And when i ask to do something that I like hell say well i dont want to do that, thats what your friends are for. The only time we hang out is if its something that he wants to do. Everything I try to talk about a problem he wont look at me . .hell call me names . . say im immature and child and I need to grow up! If its not what he wants to hear then he wants nothing to do with it! Ive tried leaving so many times or said I was leaving to try to get a reaction out of him but he didnt care. .he would say OK leave if your going to leave or stay. . but im not dealing with the shit! and i would end up staying. . I know deep down I want to go but im afriad of the unknown . .Ive been with him for so long and I hate that feeling once something ends. . .I would love to help you but it seems like where in the same situation! Let me know if you want to talk . . .im here and probably ccould use some advice for myself. . .
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (1 August 2006):
 Move out and take him to court so he will have sell the property and give you your share. This relationship is not going anywhere and it needs to end before you waste anymore precious time. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (31 July 2006):
 He's "promised" he'd change.
He didn't.
You walked away from it.
You came back.
What message does that send to him, if not "Do whatever you want and you'll get away with it"?
Honestly, hon. You've been with him for six years. He's always done whatever he wanted and gotten away with it. You think he's going to change *now*, after you've proved to him that you'll take whatever he gives? Why would he do that? He's got it great as is. There's no reason for him to change! As soon as you recognise that fact, your choice is pretty clear.
OK. So take a deep breath and think: he's never going to change, and you hate the situation. You're "lonely" living with a man who would rather get stoned and play computer games, who slams the door in your face rather than deal with issues. Someone who broke a promise to change his negative ways, just to lure you back for more of the same.
What do you do now?
You say you "can't leave", but you're wrong. That's the *only* option available to you, other than allowing this situation to go along as it always has. What's worse?
Ask yourself what you're afraid of, if you walk out? Being alone? But you're *already* alone! Having no one to love? But is this daily torment "love"?
Are you afraid of The Unknown? (Could it be worse that the Known, which is what you're living?)
I can't make it any clearer, and I won't sugar-coat this news for you: He's not changing. He never will.
You can accept that, and accept what sounds to me like a nasty, selfish, abusive relationship, or you can end it and be free to live the life YOU want.
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