A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Why can I not trust men? How can I go about this? I have been going to therapy for a while and my psychiatrist point blank said and it seem like a light bulb hit- "you haven't trusted anyone since josh" - josh was my verbally abusive bf of five years - I was with him 19-24. I loved him and trusted him- he never cheated on me (which is odd with my rust issues) but i was there with him through thick and thin- after he graduated and made money - the second that happened he wanted a break to basically test out the water- he came back after a month but I never looked back- I don't get why I have such a tainted look on love- I'm 31 now - I have only had two other partners both have been short and both have been men that have even been worse than him-the last one dumped me via text. I've heald off in even contacting men but what makes me bitter inside is the fact that I don't believe anymore that if I give my all and trust that men will do the same? It kills me inside that this belief was robbed off of me- I have never been cheated on(that I know of) but the men that I have been with have I guess been negligent. Why do I feel this way!? I want to believe in love but I just I was with him when he had nothing - the moment he got something he bounced - what loyalty is that - I guess loyalty is where my issue is - is there anyone out there that feels this way? When I am loyalI am loyal- but it feels like the men aren't and I feel like what's the point to getting married if we can't commit to that?
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female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (1 August 2017):
 Op you say that you want to believe in love, but guess what, you already do. It's just that your views on love have been tainted by your experiences. If you didn't believe in love, you would've never went back out there on the dating scene after Josh.
Not all men are jerks but all the men that you've been with were.
You need to do some serious healing before attempting to find love again. You need to assess your past relationships and you need to know that you've done all that you possibly could have done as a caring partner, your exes are just all rotten.
It's not too late for you and you just need your perspective on love to be changed. I'm sure that there's someone out there that has given up hope just like you have but it's only a matter of time before you find a guy worth keeping.
Don't feel bad that you've lost hope. We all do or have at some point. Your faith in relationships just need to be restored.
The good news is that everything happens for a reason. Look at it this way... Now you know what you don't like and you probably know what your deal-breakers and red flags are going forward. so it was actually educational going through what you've been through. Take that as a positive going forward.
A
male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (31 July 2017):
Hello,
The guys you've been with are complete JERKS.
There are many jerks in the male community, so you really need to be very alert of the type of guy you find.
There are good, healthy, and loyal men out there, so you just don't need to give up. If you are not looking for Mr Right, then you won't have to look for long. If you are looking for Mr Right, that won't ever happen.
I have been loyal with my GF for 10 years, not to brag or anything. We've had many rough patches, and she has been with me in very bad times for me and I've been with her in very bad times for her.
Loyalty is a very important trait to look in a relationship, and if you can't find that, then why are you in that relationship to begin with.
You need to go to psychological therapy, because it seems like you have a pattern of dating with jerks, so you may need to fix something in you that attracts those kind of toxic persons to your life.
There are very good men out there, I can tell you that.
Not all men are jerks. There is hope .
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 July 2017):
 Why not try friendships? Join a hobby group/mixed gender sports (whatever you are into). MAKE friends with guys or just one.
Get to know that person, see that "not all men" are alike. Start out looking for a friendship. Not for a partner. And KEEP it platonic. Maybe you will see something different than what you have already made up to the ONLY truth in your head.
You can learn to trust. It's just whether you WANT to. Right now you are judging ALL men on ONE (or two) example(s). So this "Josh" is now the mold YOU have in your head for ALL men. It's a little unfair, don't you think?
Trust is EARNED not owed. You don't OWE a guy TRUST from the get go. But you DO "owe" good faith - as in LETTING the person show you they are trust worthy and that YOU are worthy of their trust as well. When I say you "owe" good faith. I mean when you get to know a new person. Trusting blindly is for kids. And even kids know better.
I have to ask how was your relationship with your dad? Your mother? Because those two relationships DO color how we see others. But they are not the "only" truth either. EACH person you meet is an INDIVIDUAL. They are not going to ALL act and be the same.
Do you have an active social life (female friends/family)?
Getting dumped by text is well, pretty much a slap in the face. But have you looked at it from another angle? That YOU ducked a bullet with THAT ONE guy? If someone thinks SO little of you, that he dumps you over text then really HE wasn't worth hanging on to.
Not every guy (or person) you meet will be a good match for you. Not every guy (or person) you meet will like you and you won't LIKE everyone you meet.
If you GO into a relationship waiting for the other shoe to drop - for the guy to dump you, cheat on you or whatever then you go into it so tense that YOU sabotage the relationship. Maybe not on purpose but having preconceived notions that ALL men will hurt you will result in one thing... YOU will get hurt.
There is no magic wand to wave around and whoosh now you can trust everyone. Trust takes WORK and TIME. So does loyalty. REAL loyalty.
If you at 31 is so bitter over TWO guy's actions that you feel you can't trust AT ALL, you are going to be miserable.
You CAN'T live your life and enjoy if you KEEP looking back over your shoulder to episodes that made you unhappy. Let the past go. Talk to your therapist on HOW you build trust with a person. LEARN some tools. And take your time getting to know people. LET trust grow. No one is perfect.
Accept that there is no "happily ever after" at least NOT without WORKING on it. Happiness comes from within, from YOU. While you CNA make someone else happy and they you - genuine happiness is YOURS.
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