A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:18 years ago, I fell in love hard with someone I graduated with in High School. I was so afraid that he was going to hurt me that I cheated on him...and broke it off with him after 5 years of relationship. He then would call me to tell me about who he was dating.Then I got engaged to someone else thinking that it was too late for me, since he talked about other girls. It hurt but I got married. 2 months before getting married he showed up at my house and I was so confused(after he found out that I was getting married he showed up at my house). I just couldn't cancel my wedding, my father paid for everything and I couldn't get my money back. After 13 years of a loveless marriage and thinking about my ex every single day I don't know if I should leave this committment. After 3 children too. My husband is a nice man but has a huge temper problem with yelling and snapping all the time.My ex? He is now married to someone that kind of looks like me with kids.I passed by his house the other day, he must have noticed because he passed by mine on the same day with hiding his face so i wouldn't see him.don't know what to do. I can't continue to live in the past and it took me 13 years to figure that out. Any advice? I am beyond depressed, can't eat nor do I have any energy for anything but sleep.My husband and I are doing counseling and I seem to get angrier and more sad with the sessions, and I don't know why.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2009): I am the original poster.
Thanks for your advice, I am going to see a counselor because I am driving myself crazy and my children can tell that I am depressed. I definitely cannot talk about this stuff in couple's therapy. It is so hard to put the past behind me. I have to give it my all because I am married and I do not want any regrets later on, if we divorce. I am afraid to get hurt as far as the anger and snappiness that he has. I can no longer deal with that, that needs to change.
A
female
reader, Mrs. Mom +, writes (13 March 2009):
 Get into therapy for yourself and lay all of this out for your therapist. Your assignment is to find out what you really want to do with your life at this point with the support of a compassionate therapist.
In couples counseling, make sure your husband knows what you need to make the marriage viable for you. Give him a chance to make things better.
From my point of view, this marriage is what you have right now. It might be a great opportunity for growth to commit to it and give everything you have to it.
I doubt this ex of yours is really a possibility for you. If you want to make sure, call him and meet him for coffee and ask him point blank if there is any hope for the two of you. IF he says no, then that is your signal to leave him behind once and for all.
From my point of view, your two biggest mistakes were letting your relationship with him break down because you feared he would leave you and not calling off the wedding to your current husband over a matter of money. I think two of the things you should address in therapy are the insecurity that caused you to undermine that relationship in the first place and the fact that you so undervalue yourself and your happiness that you would place money ahead of it.
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