A
female
age
41-50,
*arlotta
writes:I joined this place after googling 'sex makes me feel guilty' and an answer from here came up. The question I read though was vague and although there were good answers they weren't foe me...so I'll say a bit moreI am a female and I have a female partner. I class myself as 'pansexual' and androgynous. I feel neither female or male and I am attracted to the person rather than a gender - it's not being bisexual.This is my first ever relationship, even though I am 28. I've had some major problems with socialising but I am managing these now.I was sexually abused as a child. The messages I was sent in regards to sex where exrememly fucked up messages, as you can imagine.I've had all the therapy in the world and I have a fair bit of insight to my issues now. I know why sexmakes me feel bad, I know why I am shy, uncomfortable, unable to initiate sex. If I feel like I want sex I feel guilty and panicky and just can't initiate it.My partner is similar although she's had boyfriends before and has experienced a healthy sex life. She has pointed out as well that when it is a man and a woman, the man always tends to take the lead.I've slept around when I was younger but I was always drunk or on drugs so this is all new to me.I guess I want advice on how I can work with this, what I can do. I know why I am like this but that doesn't help. It's kinda disheartening when you think 'if I have answers, it'll all be better' then you are proved wrong.If I have an orgasm, straight after I feel terrible, I want to cry with shame and guilt.I'm coming here because it's time for me to ask my peers about these things rather than ANOTHER therapist.Sorry for how long this is.
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drugs, drunk, orgasm, sex life, shy Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AuntyAlexxmo +, writes (5 April 2011):
 Hey there, well I think it is great that you want to do aomething about this and aren't willing, like a lot of people are, to let it ruin your relationship.
TEM is right saying the guilt you feel about sex and sexual pleasure is similiar to the way people raised in very strict or conservative families often feel. I know it easier to say than do, but before anything else can change you need to change the way that you veiw sex. Instead of seeing it as say dirty or something to feel guilty about, instead look at it from the veiw that it is something special and intimate that you only share with the one person you love at that time ( so your girlfriend)and it isnt just about the pleasure but also about sharing love and somehow each how you feel.
Tem is also right saying you cant force yourself to initiate sex, with a past of abusing forcing yourself to do something sexual will make you uncomfortable and also ruin it in your mind. Instead why not try the idea of just been close with each other, such as cuddles and kisses and touching in none sexual places such as rubbing her back or stoking her arm, that way you can build up to more sexual things over time and take it as a pace that suits you both.
I really hope this helps and you find answers that will help.
Alexxmo
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2011): I have a good reference. It helped me, it might help you and your partner, but it takes a bit of study and thinking and TIME, lots of TIME.
http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Sex-Mind-Body-Approach-Sexual/dp/1573442933
My wife was the one who was sexually abused. She had lots of guilt and shame built up around sex and sexual things. Promiscuity followed, which it often does in these circumstances.
It takes a long time, care, caution, and all sorts of things help in understanding. I had to ask her a lot of questions and she had to fully open up about the past for those questions to come out. So, it won't help if you don't fully talk about the past with your partner. Time can actually make things worse with the partner if the secrets are not all in the open.
For instance, I know today, wish I'd known 20 years ago, never to walk up quietly and gently to my wife from behind and put my arm around her and give her a hug and nuzzle her neck without first letting her know that I'm there, and talking to her while I do it. You can guess why. I'd been doing that for 20 years, thought she didn't like me because of her reactions (she'd never told me about the abuse, rapes, neglect). I don't walk into a bathroom when she is in the shower and not announce myself.
I learned that from reading the book, and talking to her, and finally she opened up as we talked (it took several months of hard work).
Honesty...you have to be very honest and tell it like it is. (e.g. My wife had to tell me that she had become afraid of me. That hurt, she thought I'd leave, but "why" she was afraid was a key issue and it eventually came out.)
Openness...you have to be willing to be totally open. In our case my wife couldn't be totally open till we'd been together for nearly 20 years.
Willing...you have to be willing to work hard, on both sides, work hard, try hard, work harder, try harder, and there is no other word for it. It is HARD WORK AND LOVE.
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A
female
reader, TEM  +, writes (5 April 2011):
 I don't have a lot of experience with the kind of problem you are presenting, but I to write something that might be of help. Please know that this is just my opinion.
I don't think you can force yourself to initiate sex. The very act of having to force yourself is bound to create bad feelings after the fact. I understand it must be confusing. You are doing something your body wants but your head doesn't.
This problem is not too different from someone who was raised in a strict religion and taught that sex was bad, so I don't think you are alone in feeling guilty. There are plenty of people that have had that hurdle to overcome (myself included).
What I would do in your situation, and if it is agreeable to your partner, is to build an affectionate relationship slowly, going at your own pace. Start by saying sweet things, holding hands, giving hugs. Take a lot of time to talk and get close.
Don't think about end result. Don't worry about getting there. If you become close enough to your partner, and trust her enough, you should be able to build a more and more affectionate relationship. Affection leads to intimacy. Intimacy leads to sex. It may take some time.
I know you see lots of people having sex easily, without knowing the other person very well. It is presented as the norm today. I don't it is that simple for many of us. There are many people that do not feel comfortable being intimate with someone they do not know well, love, and trust. Trust is something that builds over time and cannot be forced.
I wish you the best.
TEM
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