A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for eight months now, I met him while he was still living and in a marriage with another woman. He states that they were separated though they still lived together, said I love you, and hasn't filed for a divorce yet. We worked together and worked nights and would hangout after work from 4am till 8 or 9 then he would go back home and it'd break my heart. It took 2 and a half months for him to file a divorce, they hadn't even been married a year. Terrible way to fall in love with someone. He had put off the idea that he was happily married so i never admitted to liking him so he told me and her that he loved us both at the same time but claimed he was only "going through the motions" with her, that the only time he ever loved her was as a friend and that everything about the relationship was forced.He and his friends had told me that he didn't want to get married he was forced into it but I can't get over the fact that he had promised forever to someone else. We talk about marriage and kids but I can't imagine the feeling of walking down the aisle to meet him in a place and listen to him promise things to me that he already promised to someone else. It hurts so bad. I can see that he loves me he says I am the love of his life, we talk about our future and dreams and growing old but it feels like I am just standing on the second place platform. I am not handling his past well at all we all have a past but I don't know how to handle these feelings and I need help! I go back and forth between telling myself that he's the one and then telling myself that this relationship is too much to handle! How do I deal with these emotions of inferiority, like I am less than she and that I will always just be in a second place ranking?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (11 August 2013):
 Divorces happen. Assuming he is the same age as you he probably got married before he really knew and understood what he wanted out of life. It happens... Most people get married way too young, in my opinion, and often time as a result divorce is on the menu in short order.
I don't think 8 months is too early to start thinking about marriage at all. The dating process -- especially if marriage is one of your goals -- is all about finding the right person for you. If at any point in the dating process you discover that the person you are with doesn't share the same plans or goals as you, you have the right to end it or accept it as a compromise.
The fact that he seems to not have taken marriage as seriously as you would like to is definitely a risk factor. The question remains however, is whether he is more mature now and whether or not he is truly ready to make that commitment so soon after getting divorced.
There are no magic answers here. Your misgivings are certainly understandable and valid. I would certainly spend some time in self-reflection and ask yourself if this man is ready to make another life-long commitment and whether his sincerity is to be believed. Take things slowly but ultimately you hold the answer on this one.
Eddie
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (10 August 2013):
Dear OP,
I also agree with llifton that 8 months are a very short time for two people to be a couple. And the marriage-and-kids-talk is too early, no matter if he was already married before.
Take your time with him and find out how deep his commitment for you really is. After those 8 mostly troubled months, you can't possibly know all about him and how good he will be as your partner in the long run. It's natural that you're having your doubts about his ability to marry and commit, having seen the previous marriage that he had. And it will take more time until you can be sure that he's only into you. And that his feelings for you will last longer.
For now, I think you both create unnecessary drama if you want to talk about a permanent future right away. Stop dreaming about creating the perfect family for a moment, just be young and find out if the two of you can live together. This relationship might have a value for the both of you and it's not for nothing, even if it turns out it won't last for ever.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (10 August 2013):
 well clearly you aren't his second choice, as he's only been married a year and he's already filing for a divorce and wanting to be with you instead. most married men NEVER leave their wife for someone else.
the feeling i'm getting out of all of this is that perhaps he has a tendency to rush things? you say you have only been together for 8 months, and 2 and a half of them were spent with him still going home to her. i'm no math genius, but according to my calculations, that only leaves 5 and a half months or less of actual real dating time between you two. that's nothing. talk of marriage and kids shouldn't really be in the equation at the moment anyway. but perhaps that's just me. everybody is different.
anyway, if i were you, i'd let it go. easier said than done because i am not in your shoes. but many, many people divorce and remarry. some multiple times. lets be honest, here in the united states, the sanctity of marriage has been completely distroyed. the vows he made to her were not real. he obviously made a mistake, or as his friends say, somehow he was forced into being with her. but overall, he clearly wants to be with you and not her. so take that for what it's worth.
but if it's not something you think you can learn to over come, and you really want marriage in your future, you clearly know now that you need to marry a man who's never been divorced. i strongly recommend ending this relationship before it gets any harder later on if you don't see yourself marrying him because of his past. if you can't see a future, no sense in staying together, in my opinion. good luck.
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