| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I have been having an affair with a married man for 3 years this June.He has told me he does not love me. But he loves having sex with me. The passion we share and the sex we have is out of this world. Even after 3 years, we continue to reach new heights. It never gets boring and we are always sexually desiring one another in a very big way. I fear at this point we are both addicted to each other. We have had various issues before where one decides they need to get out of the affair but neither of us has ever been able to pull the trigger. He has left me 3 times and each time I took him back. I have told him I am having trust issues (such issues always go with this type of relationship) and worry he will cheat/is cheating on me and have tried to leave him but he continues to pull me back in. Recently he has been on the brink of leaving me again. A mutual friend said some people in our circle have been suspicious of us and he is worried it will get to his wife. He keeps saying how I make his life difficult. How my presence disrupts his life. Has affected his business. Almost like I am a burden. When I get upset and then distance myself from him, he starts to sweet talk to me again. Tells me how much he cares. Buys me gifts. Acts nice to me and lavishes me with attention. Makes me feel special. I just do not get it. He has me up and down constantly. I just do not know which way is up most of the time. It is from one extreme to the next. Not sure if this is the way married guys in affairs typically behave as I have never done this before.We have a relationship at this point. Have gone away on several trips together. We see each other in day to day life. This isn't just a fling. I am finding it harder to stay with him the longer the affair continues. I guess it is because he says he is putting a wall up because he knows sooner or later it will end so he has shielded himself from falling in love with me. I, on the other hand, am not so good at putting up walls and have become emotionally attached to him. I know, typical female. Can't leave it at just sex. I guess I just don't know how. Stupid emotions. And believe it or not, this married man is the first and only man I have ever had sex with. He found me as a virgin. Sometimes I think I love him. But how could I? He would have to let me past his wall. I know there is no future for us. He has said he will never leave his wife. He teeter totters all the time. He says he cares about me and then says he is not emotionally invested. He is always back and forth. He contradicts himself all the time. One minute, he cares. The next he says he's not invested in me emotionally, only sexually. If I get upset at him and go cool, he hates it and chases after me. But if I get too close, he is the one who backs off. If I say I have no feelings for him, he is upset. If I say, I have feelings for him, he is upset. I just cannot win.Sometimes I notice scratches on his body or little bruises or cuts. He says they are from everyday occurances. But I worry. Today when having sex I noticed a small bruise inside his leg very close to his penis. Not sure how it could have gotten there. I am not that rough with him. Not usually. His wife is older than him. I am much younger. He seems to have a separate life from the wife. He has his own outside interests. She trusts him completely and he just does his own thing. I worry what lies he tells her when I am not with him if he is in fact going to see someone else. She would believe them all. He tells me I am the only one. He tells me this repeatedly. But I worry nonetheless. I just cannot seem to believe him. You see, I am not his wife. There have been times we were having sex and his wife called. Right in the middle of sex he picked up the phone and talked to her. I got off him or stopped going down on him long enough for him to talk to her. He was perfectly calm and fine like nothing was going on. Then when he said good bye to her, he turned to me and said, "so, where were we?"He has been on the phone with her in front of me. I think she said to him "I love you" because I heard him say "Me too." I worry about his expert ability to turn off his feelings and compartmentalize. I worry if he can turn them off with me, he can turn them off with the next woman. AND wife. He is not an emotional guy. This worries me. He is very much a loner. Equally worrisome.I worry if I leave him, he will just take up with someone else. Either the woman he is cheating on me with me (Note: he says his wife does not have sex with him anymore) or will start up with someone else. And in the end, what do I have after investing 3 years into this man? NOTHING. I do not want to be tossed aside like garbage. Like I meant nothing. And I fear if I walk away, he will go on and not truly be devastated at losing me. While my heart will be torn apart and broken and I will feel great pain and great loss without him. I hate the fact that he will be the one who wins in the end. He has it all. And I will be devastated. It isn't fair. I guess I am just a stupid idiot for getting involved in the first place but it was never about the sex. I had an emotional connection to him from day one. That is why I am with him today. Even after all this time.I just wonder if men who cheat start up with one, then start up with another and wait for the first one to dump them? And it is a vicious cycle. Or do they dump each one they are with for every new conquest? My married man says he is not like others. He is with me and wants me only. He is not like other men. Is it possible not all men who cheat are serial cheaters?I also don't get why he seemed to be on the verge of dumping me recently. Saying not to get too attached as he will hurt me. Then he went cold on me for a week. And then two weeks later, he did a total turnaround and became fully committed to staying with me??? I do not get that!!! Why from one extreme to the next? From seeming close to dumping me to being totally committed to staying with me???I just do not know what to do.I cannot live WITH or WITHOUT him.How do I make a tough decision? Either way, I am f^cked. If I stay, I will never be happy because I will always worry if he is cheating or will cheat and that I am only falling deeper while he just "likes" me or rather the sex we have. And he will always stay married while I am missing out on a man of my own who can love me the way I truly deserve. But on the other side, I do love him and want to stay with him and the pain associated with leaving him would be too brutal for me at this point in my life. This man is my happy place (most of the time) and has been for 3 years. I am afraid of being without him. He is like a crutch. I just do not think I am ready to suffer. No matter what I do, there will be consequences. I do not know what to do anymore. I stay because I feel it is less pain but sometimes the pain is unbearable. The worry. The anxiety. The paranoia. The lack of trust. Knowing he does not really love me. And knowing he will never love me the way I deserve to be loved. I just stick with this fantasy and fairytale ending in my head. It's like I am just too stubborn to see the truth. Or don't want to see it.I am sorry for the long post. I am just venting. I cannot talk to anyone about this. I would only be vilified and judged. It's a lonely place to be. :(I am hoping to read some words of wisdom. Sprinkled with a little compassion. Most people think of women like me as whores and homewreckers but we are human too. And we hurt just like you.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 May 2016):
 Ok, so let's say that he, the seducer, is the main culprit. Be that as it may - what difference does it make in the greater scheme of things ? He misbehaved more than his mistress, because he had more obligation than her to not disrespect his wife. And ?...
When two people come together to do the dirty on a third party, it's still a wrong, dirty business anyway, one does not take out the scales to weight how much wrong A did and how much B did.
Take a bank robbery: let's say that A masterminded the whole plan, got the weapons , went in to hold people at gun point etc. while B was only waiting outside at the wheel of the getaway car. The " real " bad guy perhaps is A- but we can't say that B has no fault, did not know what he was getting himself into, or had no bad intentions toward the bank's clients . One is a bit worse than the other, but, when all is said and done, the bank got robbed anyway and people got subtracted what was righfully theirs.
And yes, we can blame people for thinking with their heart ( and, more often, with their genitalia ).
The right organ to think with is our brain - that's what it was invented for, for thinking. If we choose to use other organs , we do it at our own risk and peril- including the " risk " of being blamed and criticized for acting brainless . Now I realize perfectly that at times it is very very hard to think with our brain rather than our heart ( or genitalia ). But when our " brain optional " actions may hurt not just ourselves but an innocent third party, it would be nice if we all had enough conscience to make the effort !
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2016): Instead of laying the blame at the feet of the "seductress" why don't we examine the behaviour of the "seducer" himself? Or by more modern terms... the "player?"A married man has no business wooing another woman. NONE. In reality, this is what he has been doing. Wooing her. All along. From the beginning in order to catch her and consistently for the duration of the relationship to keep her. Keeping a mistress is a lot of work. In some ways, more work than keeping a wife. He does not seek out just anyone. It is not so easy to woo any woman into an affair with a married man. Most emotionally healthy and strong minded women would steer clear and far, far away from such a bad investment. But not women like the OP. They are vulnerable in some way. They are not evil. They need the escape, the validation, are eager for acceptance. And the married man is very wise and cunning. He knows all of this. He is a player, after all. And he knows how to choose his victims. He already has his wife in his pocket and likely says and does all the right things in playing his role as husband. Because that is all he is doing. Playing a role. To BOTH women. He is also playing the role of BOYFRIEND. Make no mistake about that. He is playing different roles to each woman in order to justify his pathetic existence. Because deep down he is a weak little boy, a coward, a man who has it nailed down to an art form playing women so that he can feel important and in control. He is garbage. The OP is lowering herself to garbage. She is not garbage herself. NO she is not. The married man is. And yes, he probably would dump her if his wife found out. He probably would dump her if she told him she loves him. And how pathetic is this? He lures her in, has sex with her, does all he can to encourage her feelings for him and then when she falls for him, he punishes her? By dumping her? Pulling away? Playing with her heart? That is emotional abuse and torture. He was actively seeking out her love. He knows that there is no way she would open her legs for him unless he created the whole facade of a relationship for the other woman! Men create relationships just to HAVE SEX!!! Look at it from this woman's point of view. Do you really think she invented this whole story? Or do you think that maybe he has told her a few clever lines? Lies? Lots of stuff to keep her hanging on? Of course he has! But when she gets too close, he gets scared. He is a coward! He is afraid to loose his cushy life. His safe and predictable wife. No, he DOES NOT LOVE HIS WIFE. Everybody jumps on side with the wife saying he loves her. But there is NO WAY any man can love his wife when he has a whole other relationship with another woman for 3 whole years! And no, he does not love his mistress either. HE LOVES what he can get out of both of them. He LOVES the attention. He LOVES having two women doting on him. He loves the comfort of stability and the excitement of the affair. HE LOVES HIMSELF above all else. And he feels he deserves it ALL. Not caring one bit about how much he hurts BOTH women.These women are only thinking with their hearts. How can you condemn that?He on the other hand sounds like a sociopath or narcissist. Most people could not contain their emotions so expertly. This man is scary.No wonder the OP has anxiety and paranoia issues. He is responsible for them. Yes, she could leave. But I suspect she does not want to make it so easy for him. You see, when a woman falls in love, she hangs in. Til the end. The mistake married men make time and again is getting involved with women for far too long a time frame in an extramarital relationship. Once women catch emotions or fall in love, having a mistress is an absolute liability to the marriage. They are a threat. Don't think that the married man does not know this. He knows it alright. This is why he treads lightly around his mistress. He knows she likely has a shitload of evidence to present to his wife and to all the people in his world.So to married men having affairs or thinking about it... here is some advice. Make them brief and move from one to another. Make sure you pick women who are married and have as much to lose as you do. This man picked a woman who does not appear attached. That is a mistake. He also kept the affair going and ran back to her each time he tried to leave. Likely worried she would tell his wife. Now he is stuck. He has no way out. My theory is that if he decides to leave her in any way, for any reason, she is going to become very upset and expose him. This is the way the story ends a lot of the time. And I suspect he is deathly afraid of this. Part of him wants to leave because he is afraid and part of him wants to stay because the mistress is his happy place. It is hard for him to give up his addiction. He thinks he has both and one is not affecting the other. But his house of cards will certainly come crashing down. I think the mistress is a ticking time bomb. And he will get a rude awakening someday.And you blame the mistress? For sleeping with him? For loving him? For telling their secret? WHY don't you lay the blame where it belongs. WITH THE MARRIED MAN. Problem is as old as time. Men think with their dicks and they always end up paying a high price for this.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (25 May 2016):
 You want compassion from people because you are in a lonely situation, but the thing is you put yourself their, the moment you decided to open your legs for a married man you where destined to be lonely and judged.
You say that you are scared he will cheat on you and that it is more than a fling, but I think you are deluded, he is married for pity sake, he has a wife, a partner, a woman to spend his life with, you are someone he can go to for sex and that is about it, he takes you away for a weekend for sex. When you show feelings he thinks oh shit I better back off and when you don't he thinks thankfully she doesn't care so he tries to woo you back with sex. How can you have self respect? The victim here is not you, nor is it him, but it is his wife. If she ever finds out you will be throwing out with the garbage without a second thought, because he loves her not you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2016): Just suppose his wife doesn't know about your fling but finds out today (could happen) and see what kind if post this man's wife might write on DC:"I've just found out my husband has been having an affair. I am devastated. Apparently it's been going on for a few years. He's even taken her on trips and spent OUR money on her. I'm shocked as I didn't see it coming as nothing had changed. I thought we had a happy marriage and I've always given him space. He's as affectionate as he's always been and we have an active sex life but my friends say this is usually the way as some of their husbands have cheated too. No-one sees it coming.He's begged me for forgiveness and assures me she means nothing to him and that he loves ME not her. He says it was just lust. He pointed out that as our children are grown up and we are financially solvent he could have left me any time if he wanted to but he says he had no intention of ever leaving. He plans on spending the rest of his life with me and I believe him but it makes no difference to how upset and hurt I am.He swears he will do everything in his power to make it up to me. He's blocked and deleted her from everything and says he will never speak to her again. He assures me she is gone from his life forever."Like all mistresses you imagine his wife is a frigid, cold hearted b...h but she won't be. You write as though you're in some grand love affair but really it's just about the sex to him. He doesn't even pretend to love you. He rejects you and lures you back in because that's all part of the fun. He doesn't even try and keep you.It may seem like a small thing but the fact that he stopped mid way through having sex with you to answer a call from his wife speaks volumes. He's showing you she comes first, always, even when he's sharing the only thing with you he can - sex.You continually post on DC looking for support and compassion but as you chose to have a fling with a married man then you have to endure the lonely, miserable life that comes alongside it. Your choice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2016): I was in a very similar situation to you. As someone who has been 'affair free' for 5 years I can honestly say my life is so much better - to the point I cannot see what on earth I was doing it feels like another world that is alien to me. No more wondering and waiting and living two lives. No more settling for two 'half' relationships. I have one whole, decent relationship now that is built on honesty and I love that. I don't crave the chaos of an affair any more. The sex you have is like a drug that you can't give up but unless you remove yourself - really remove yourself - from this situation you will carry on. My esteem was bad during the affair and I reckon yours is too. Just a guess? Give it up. You won't regret it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2016): I will do my best to give you a mans perspective in a situation like this. You see the problem here is not this man you say you love. The problem is not him cheating, or how her treats you, or how you feel or how you cant live without him. The problem is your mind. You have built a complex reality within your head that only you can undo. You have gotten yourself to literally believe that this man is your “happy place” or your “crutch”.You see I have been in a similar place with a women who told me we could never “be”. We built a very intimate emotional relationship before ever having sex. The more she pushed me away the more I wanted her. She was cold and harsh with me although I expressed my passion for her. Sometimes she was outright disrespectful, but I have short fuse and when i went off on her she would apologize and tell me not to go.You see human nature is a way that we always want what we cant easily have. This same man who you cant be without, believe it or not, you would grow tired of if he left his wife and dedicated all his time to you. Ask yourself why you don't feel the same about your partner? Maybe he is too available?I realized after chasing this girl for a year that it was not going anywhere and like you i felt stupid because i spent a year of my life chasing a person who could never love me like I loved her no matter what I did. The breaking point came when she started ignoring my calls and texts for weeks before responding. So I cut her off cold turkey. Deleted her number, blocked her on social media etc.I even avoided places she regularly went like grocery stores, gym etc.To put things into perspective I was literally obsessed with this girl. I loved everything about her. Her smile, the way she talked, the way her eyes lit up when she talked about something she was passionate about. Even the look she gave me when she was upset with something I did. And in my book she could never do wrong. The problem with unrequited love is that because one person feels sooo much strongly for the other that they cant see the flaws of the one being loved.Cutting her out of my life was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. This girl literally haunted my dreams. I lived alone and the rainy stormy nights were the worst things I had to endure. I literally fell asleep thinking about her and the last thing i would say was her name asking why she did this to me before I closed my eyes. I would wake up thinking about her although I never shed one tear for her it was torture. I have literally had broken bones and I would take that psychical pain over the emotional pain I endure any day in a heart beat. I did not speak to one person about my problem but i was unstable and people noticed. The lack of sleep created dark spots around my eyes and i was real irritable. I was like this for a good month and then the emotional pain eased. Till this day I remember the perfume she wore and if i smell it, it takes me back. When I think of her I actually don’t have any resentment towards her because she was a good person at heart. Sure she could have treated me better but no one in this world owes any one that and she couldn't love me the way I deserved. Looking back I appreciate the experience because it showed me what I was made of in those lonely dark times. A mutual friend has recently told me that she has always wonder where I went. I genuinely smiled and told her I didn't go far but that I just needed to find myself.So move on with your life. The sooner you do it the sooner you can get this over with. It will be very hard but this is something that is inevitable. So do it now and do it on your terms not his.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (25 May 2016):
You want compassion but you do not show a lot of compassion for his wife. She is human too, and she is being hurt too. If she knows or suspect, she is hurt. And even if she hasn't got a clue at all, she is being hurt anyway. By the half amused "compassion" of people that know about your tryst and the different perception they have of her now. . By the time and attention that your husband is giving to you while it belongs to her. By the money for your gifts and trips that the old billygoat should reserve to his legitimate family and save for his grandchildren .
I know what you are going to say, and you are right : that's on her husband, not on you. He is the one that should have cared about not hurting her, not cheating on her, not repaying years and years of devotion with a selfish,porcine indulgence to his frivolous whims.
True.
Let's say that you are an " accessory after the fact ". You definitely share the moral responsibility for what you are doing to this woman, even if you weren't/ aren't the initiator.
You want compassion ?, show compassion first.
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A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (25 May 2016):
You yourself have voiced the very reasons why this relationship is toxic and will lead nowhere. You just can't win. Best case scenario, he leaves his wife for you (which really doesn't seem likely from what you've described) and then you worry for the rest of your life if he is cheating on you. Most likely, it will continue as it has been, with him blowing hot and then cold for you, and him likely leaving when it gets too difficult maintaining his cheating. And have you noticed his blowing hot and cold are in direct opposition to what you want? You get close, want validation and connection from him, he pulls away. You try to pull away and move forward, he runs back and woos you again. He has no respect for your needs and wants. Even if this wasn't a relationship based on cheating, it would be toxic.
I was in a relationship where I felt some of the same things you did. I loved him so much, that the thought of being without him was unbearable. Even though he left me several times, I took him back. He blew hot and cold, breaking up with me, then a month later telling me I'm the love of his life but we couldn't be together. I did everything I could to make it work. Finally, after him telling me to give him space (after a month of it), I couldn't take it any longer. The pain of being in the relationship was so bad, I knew I had to end it. I temporarily did feel worse, but almost every day brought improvement. It hurt like hell to lose him, but I knew the relationship couldn't go on as it was, and by ending it, it allowed me to move on and heal. If I kept with him, I don't know how long I would have suffered.
Because i knew how hard it would be to stick to it, since I knew he could probably talk me out of it, I actually broke up with him through text. (Horribly I know, but we were long distance at the time, Plus he didn't want to hear from me as he "needed time"). Funnily, he immediately called and called to try to talk me out of it. I ignored his calls. I knew i needed time to move forward and get a grip on myself or I would be sucked right in. My next boyfriend is now my husband. And he gives me everything I need. There is no walls and blowing hot and cold, I know he loves me and only me.
I know how amazing a passionate love is. But if it's making you miserable, you have to let go, for the sake of your peace of mind. You can love him with every fiber of your being, but you can't make him trustworthy, or let down his walls. You can't make him what you need. So the best thing is to break it off, cut all contact, and move on. There will be someone else who can give you everything. And you will look back and know that this relationship was unhealthy and never going to go anywhere.
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