A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:my fiance and i have been together for almost three year now.. there is a 7 yr age difference between us..at the begining of our relationship (about 3-5 months into the realtionship) i caught him a couple of times looking a his ex's page (his first love) this created a big problem for us.. 14 mopnths into the relationsship i looked at the history at the computer at work and he had looked at her again.. I told him if i ever saw him looking again, it would be allover.. that it was all up to him!then about about 1 year ago she sent him a message and he deleted and did not reply(he did not tell me about it).. she sent message again and he did not reply ( i found out since i was right next to him and he had to tell me that she had sent him a prior email but that he deleted it as he did not want me to get mad)years have past and i still check to see if he still looks.I always check his phone, text messages, emails, myspace.. and it has not happened since the last time.. but i just cant get it off my head that he had looked before.. i do not want to be blind!!!( i was blind with my ex and got cheated on with my co-worker)he tells me that why am i so insecure, that if he did not want to be with me he wouldnt be with me.. i know the HE LOVES ME!! but he also told me that he loved her.. i trust him to a certain degree, i know that he wont cheat on me and that he loves me.. but i just cant stop checking...is this wrong of me?? he tells me that if i think he does it and im going to be doubting him.. why not do it anyways..i cant help my self to be so insecure.. please help is this normal?
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female
reader, tired82 +, writes (4 April 2009):
 I think it's normal for you to feel how you feel and do the things you do. You have been cheated on and don't want to go through it again. But it isn't fair to your boyfriend. You have been with him for 3 years now, if he didn't love you he wouldn't put up with you and your insecurities. When you feel the urge to check his phone, computer or what have you just think of the happy times you have spent with him and all the love he shows you and walk away from snooping. I'm insecure too but you know what. You can't prevent anything that is going to happen by controlling or wanting to control. This will only push the person away. Best of luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2009): i think its normal for him to look at his exs page only out of curiousity hes only looking thats all
he hasnt replied to her messages if he wanted anything to happen with them he would have replied
dont be worrying hes with YOU
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A
female
reader, ashleyriley +, writes (3 April 2009):
 you have been cheated on before...so of course it's going to effect every relationship you will ever be in. You will always have trust issues. But....if he wanted to be with his ex...then he would be with her. There is a reason she is his ex. something went wrong, and if they did get back together...most likely it still woudn't work out. He is probably just being curious. Plus he probably wants to make her jealous that he has you. He is trying to show her that he is happy without her. I did the same thing to my husband on myspace. I wanted to make all my ex boyfriends jealous. most of them were single and i wanted to rub how happy i am in their faces. my husband found out and almost left me. I understood why he was mad...but I never intended on cheating...but he just didn't understand. Try not to get too possessive...it may just push him away. Sit him down, and tell him that u love him and that the past is the past and tell him you are sorry for being insecure, and tell him that he is too good of a man to cheat. this will make him feel good, and guilty at the same time....and i bet he will never look her up again!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2009): I think you are feeling normally, at least the way most people do. This is a common worry after realizing the love of your life wrestles with being attracted, for any reason, to someone else. It hurts. And stop listening to the label of: "Insecure".
I think the first step is to have a completely open discussion, telling all, with him. Both of you say what your definition of loyalty and dedication is. You may find out a lot; it sounds like you've talked a bit already because he told you he loves her. Sounds like you want to be number one, and the only one. Well maybe he doesn't have that same value, and there is the disconnect. So talk about it.
Then approach the topic of rules you agree to: what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior with other people.
Third, it is imperative you forgive this. You won't be able to live with yourself or anyone until you do. Forgiveness means the other person owes you nothing anymore, they don't have to do anything to clean it up, you basically release him of all you blame him for.
Fourth, choose to give him all his privacy and space, and leave it alone. That does two things: respects him, and takes all that weight off you. Just choose to have no interest in how he acts without you. Just let it go. It really helps.
Five: Choose to accept the risk that he may cheat in some form, albeit email, looking, flirting, etc. Choose to accept that he will do that if he wants to, and choose to not try to control it. Choose it.
Last: Formulate a game plan. If he violates your trust at all, choose to accept that he does, and promise yourself the game plan of how you will respond to any other indiscretion, and let him know. For example, if you personally choose a game plan of separating from him immediately upon discovery of a violation of an agreement to be faithful, stick to it, and know you will, and let him know that is your plan. Having a game plan brings you peace.
Good luck!
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